Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML
Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML
Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML
Today, I was peeing when I sneezed. I looked down to see that my gum had flown out of my mouth and gotten caught in my pubes. On the upside, I got a new look. FML
Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML
Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML
Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, telling him how much I loved him. His answer? "Less lovin' more humpin'." This happens every single time. FML
Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML
Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to help me get over the fear of my upcoming rectal exam by surprising me with one of her own halfway through our lovemaking. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML
Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML
Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML
Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML
Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML
Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML
Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML
Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML
Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML
Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML
Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML
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