37 years-old
Today, I received the bubble wrap that I'd ordered. When I opened the box, almost every single bubble had been popped. At the bottom of the box, there was a sticky note that said, "Sorry." FML
Today, I wondered why the cashiers at my local chip shop were being so unusually friendly and knocked money off my bill. Then when I got back to my boyfriend's house, I noticed my bright red bra shining through my black top like a light. I debuted my tits for some chips. FML
Today, after waking up in a panic since I slept through my alarm, I hurriedly got ready and started speeding to work. On the way, I texted my boss to apologize for running late. His response? "It's Saturday." FML
Today, I found out the hard way, that yes, a condom can break. Also, that sometimes when it does, your boyfriend won't say anything until you start having morning sickness. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML
Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML
Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML
Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. FML
Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML
Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML
Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML
Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML
Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML
Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML
Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML
Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML
Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML
Today, I was sitting on the porch of my apartment when my drunk upstairs neighbour decided to take a piss. I got my first golden shower. FML
Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML
Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML
Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to use his “grief” at the death of a coworker to get butt sex, even though I know for a fact he didn’t like the guy that much, and just last week wished for the guy to get hit by a bus. Pretty despicable way to try get back door access if you ask me. FML
Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML
Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML
Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML
Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML
Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML
Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML
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