Miss In a relationship
Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML
Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML
Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML
Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML
Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML
Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law sent me another romantic text that was meant for her husband. Not only can't she spell for shit, the clichés she uses are horrifyingly embarrassing. The fact this keeps happening makes me want to slam her head in the oven. FML
Today, we had a sprint race in gym class that I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML
Today, my mom went through my textbook and sharpied everything that could be "pornographic." It's a high-school biology textbook. FML
Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML
Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML
Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML
Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML
Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML
Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML
Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML
Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML
Today, I gave an old owl lamp away because I had no need for it. The new owner informed me shortly after that it was worth $400. FML
Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML
Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML
Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML
Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to piss in the shower while I was standing next to him. I did not mind, until I realised the water flows away incredibly slowly. I had to stand in his piss while the shower filled itself with the sweet odor of fresh urine. FML
Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML
Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML
Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML
Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML
Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML
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