1kj2

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

Mr Beard

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is "heavily pregnant." I'm just fat. FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Noise annoys

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

Caught

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after, he gave me the "let's just be friends" speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex-girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML