alpal264

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

Today, I started my day off with a relaxing cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sound of my mother informing me I will be going to hell for being not believing in God. FML

Today, a customer yelled at me because the cherry pie he bought had cherries in it, and he wanted a refund. FML

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

Close but no cigar

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

Today, my drug dealer was the only one who wished me a happy birthday. FML

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

Are you OK?

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

Today, I got grounded for having a boner when I woke up. FML

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

You what now?

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

That 20%

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

Kids will be kids

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

Today, I had to get the manager of a grocery store to explain to his employee how coupons work. The employee had refused to accept the coupons I was using, for fear that, "they will be deducted from my paycheck." FML

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML