alpal264

Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

Don't worry, IQ ain't real

Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

Today, my 18 year-old daughter comes home, telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had iCarly Happy Meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

Oh, hello there

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

Today, my mother got remarried. I am now officially older than my step-father. FML

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

Broke ass dad

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

Ouchies

Today, I got tased, with the same TASER I bought my girlfriend to use on people trying to rob her. FML

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

Don't stop me now

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML