Mr Hanford, US 29 years-old Single
Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML
Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML
Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years-old and pop like an arthritic 50 year-old. FML
Today, I got stuck driving behind a rather large motorcyclist on a one way road for 30 miles. For those 30 miles, I had a full view of his back fat rolls and butt crack. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML
Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML
Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML
Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML
Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML
Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML
Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML
Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML
Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML
Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML
Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML
Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML
Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML
Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML
Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML
Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML
Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML
Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML
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