Mr A hard place, usa 36 years-old It's complicated
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML
Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML
Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML
Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML
Today, my roommate got completely wasted. He was so drunk he thought the fridge was talking. He decided to make it stop by unplugging it. Most of our food is basically ruined now. FML
Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register, only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML
Today, while playing a gig with my band, I tried pulling the classic "playing the guitar with one foot on the monitor" rock-star pose. However, I misjudged the height of the monitor, didn't notice the puddle of beer in front of it, slipped, and fell off the stage into the security guy. FML
Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML
Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML
Today, I had a bunch of friends over for a party. My mom came stumbling into my room, crying about how she was officially menopausal, and that I was going to "die an only child." FML
Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML
Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML
Today, after falling on my way out the door, hitting a bird with my car, and sitting in an hour and a half of traffic, I remembered I had the day off work. FML
Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML
Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML
Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML
Today, my dad met my fiancé's dad for the first time. My fiancé's dad is a cop. He had arrested my dad for indecent exposure in the past. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
Today, my husband used our last $2000 to buy himself a motorcycle. It's supposed to "save us a lot on gas money." FML
Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9-inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML
Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you'll be labeled as someone with a short temper. However, the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML
Today, I was working alone in the office with my brother. He's run out of work to do, so has been singing Disney songs loudly and badly, throwing stationery at me, and just now snuck up on me from behind and wrapped duct tape round my face. It's just us in the office next week. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML
Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML
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