Miss
Today, my fiancé's mother tried to arrange a marriage for him to a nice Indian girl, again. We've been engaged for a year, and the wedding is in a month. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML
Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML
Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML
Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML
Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML
Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML
Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML
Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML
Today, I found out that my lovely, amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles, and out of my window. FML
Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML
Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML
Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML
Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML
Today, I saw a picture of a dude on a Harley on my friend's wall. I asked her if it was Dog the bounty hunter. It wasn't, it was her aunt. FML
Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML
Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML
Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML
Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML
Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML
Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML
Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML
Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML
Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML
Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML
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