Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, it was raining heavily. I saw a large puddle by the edge of the road near with a passing lady. Thinking it would be funny to splash her, I swerved to hit the puddle. The puddle was deeper than I thought. I lost control of the car, spun out, and hit two parked cars. FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML
Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML
Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML
Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML
Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML
Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML
Today, I was playing at a bingo hall, when I got a bingo for $50. I got so excited that I accidentally yelled, "Holy fuck!" They kicked me out. I didn't get the money. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML
Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML
Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML
Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML
Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML
Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML
Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with, "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML
Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML
Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML
Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML
Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML
Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML
Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML
Today, my 15 year-old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, while babysitting a five year-old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML
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