Miss London, United Kingdom 32 years-old Single
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML
Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML
Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML
Today, my 15-year-old son begged me to pre-order the next season of My Little Pony. FML
Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years-old. FML
Today, the man who tried to mug me sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML
Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML
Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML
Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML
Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML
Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML
Today, while at work, a Beatles song came on the radio. I jokingly said, "These guys are pretty good, are they new?" Everyone thought I was being serious, and now they're convinced I'm an idiot. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML
Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML
Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML
Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML
Today, I borrowed my boyfriend's laptop. Out of curiosity, I clicked through the bookmarks in his web browser. One of them took me to a site dedicated to sex stories featuring characters from My Little Pony. FML
Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML
Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML
Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML
Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML
Today, I bumped into my parents at the mall. They didn't tell me they were around. I live 5,000 miles away, in a different country from them. FML
Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
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