Today, I invested in some menstrual underwear to save money on sanitary products and for environmental reasons. I got to wear them only once before they were accidentally washed too hot and completely ruined. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I are fighting because I refuse to buy a new car. Apparently, I should put myself balls-deep in debt instead of hunting for a bargain, because it's "embarrassing" for me to buy a used car. This coming from the woman who tries to reuse bath water. FML
Today, I wore new shoes to work, which turned out to be the loudest shoes on the planet when walking on the office lino. Every step echoed like a cartoon villain entering a room. My coworker asked if I needed some WD-40. I still had six hours left to walk around. FML
Today, I realized that my husband can call me a hoarder because I hide stuff for my son's lunch so it's his to eat. Not only is that what mothers do for their loved kids, he has been hoarding and hiding $100+ PlayStation store credits. Hoarding his own boy's prize for doing well, and now blames me if our son is slow. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of five months gave away all the jewelry his late grandmother left him to his daughter from an old relationship. I asked in shock what he plans to give my daughter, and he replied, "Uh, you know she's not my kid, right?" FML
Today, I noticed a random dark spot on my skin around my groin area. Fearing that it was possibly melanoma, even though I don't really go outside a lot, I made a mad dash to the doctor. Apparently it's just a fucked-up stretch mark, and is perfectly normal. Nice thing to have a panic attack over. Good job, brain. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about something that had happened “after you came to our school." He told me he'd gone to our school for every grade. I'd just never noticed him. FML
Today, my mom got mad at me. She told me that the neighbor was stupid for letting their kids play all over the street alone. I said it was fine, because the mom walked right next to the daughter as she played on her scooter. She argued, “Why do you always have to disagree with me?” FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years cheated on me with his ''sister-like friend." It's the girl I was always worried about, and half our arguments were about her. FML
Today, I took my dog to the vet. Wanting to seem like a responsible owner, I lifted him onto the exam table. My back then cracked loudly, I dropped him, and he ran straight into a trash can. The vet sighed and asked, “Rough day for both of you?” FML
Today, it's been a few months since I spent about three weeks in a relationship with a woman at work, who then left me to get back with her ex-husband. For some reason she reported us both to HR for our inappropriate relationship. My future at this company now rests on a meeting I have this afternoon with HR. FML
Today, I realized that after decades of crappy retail jobs, when I left my last one praying to God that I'd never have to work retail again, I got my wish. Brain surgery put me in a wheelchair for life and I can do very little with my limbs. Be careful what you wish for, perspective is everything. FML
Today, I got an email from a company that fired me over two weeks ago. It turns out they forgot to download all my work before deleting my account, and they want me to get it back off the cloud. FML
Today, just like every other night, I can't sleep. even after taking prescription sleep medication, all because my anxiety won't let me sleep. Why do I have anxiety? Because I don't sleep. FML
Today, after my at-the-time partner got in a car wreck with minimal injuries, I drove two hours and got a week off classes to take care of them on hand and foot, they are currently my platonic roommate and I nearly broke my foot… and they keep acting annoyed when I ask for something because I can't walk. FML
Today, after a week of persistent allergy symptoms, I finally went to the doctor. The cause of everything was an ear infection. After getting an ear cleaning, all of my symptoms - including a sore throat and head, and constantly feeling as though I was going to vomit - disappeared. My ears didn't feel weird at all. FML
Today, I emailed my resume to a recruiter but attached a ten-page stream-of-consciousness grocery list instead. The recruiter replied, “Interesting priorities.” Now I’m on a three-email chain where everyone is debating whether olives belong in banana bread and asking about my sandwich preferences. FML
Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend. I sat her down and gave her the speech. She broke down in tears and said, “Why does every guy always abandon me? Why am I never good enough?” I felt so bad for her that I took back the breakup and we’re still together now. FML
Today, I went to bed early, feeling responsible. At 2 a.m., I woke up in a panic because I forgot to set my alarm. While fixing it, I actually turned it off completely. I overslept, missed work, and proved once again that I should never trust myself. FML
Today, I got told I was too fat and needed to stop eating, because I need to lose weight. I was then given a full plate of food and had to eat it all. FML
Today, my girlfriend was too busy having sex with my roommate to notice our accommodation being burgled. So now I don’t have a girlfriend, a rent paying roommate, a television, a PS5 or, for some reason, half of the books from my bookshelf. FML
Today, my car was towed. After taking a cab all the way to the lot for $45 and paying the $250 fee to get my car back, my car broke down in the impound lot and needed to be towed to the nearest shop, where it took another $200 to fix, and $50 for the towing. I still have a 3-hour drive home. FML
Today, it was my uncle's funeral. As we were in the cars behind the hearse, I lost sight of it in traffic, ended up taking a wrong turn, and getting lost… As did half the cars behind me, who also didn’t know where the crematorium was, and just kept following me. We delayed the funeral quite a bit. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of three and a half years is talking to two other women. I’m four months postpartum. Not to mention, he took our child to go see one of his girl best friend's house, when I specifically asked him not to. FML
Today, while I was asleep, my three-year-old cousin wet the bed again. MY bed. FML
Today, my boss sent me this reel where a girl was talking about how girls call their crushes bro. He asked me if that was true and somehow I replied, “Yes bro.” FML
Today, I babysat my niece and thought a quick shower would be fine. I left her watching cartoons with a blanket and returned to find she’d used washable paints on the carpet and her hands, leaving tiny colorful footprints to the couch. Her proud smile made me forgive the mess, but I spent the evening scrubbing. FML
Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML
Today, I asked my mom if she had some good pictures of me for my resume. She gave me her phone to look through her gallery. I found a beautiful album of photos of me and my ex. FML
Today, a man with one eye and a severely disfigured face accosted me at the grocery store. What started as a question about my shirt became an explanation for why he looks the way he does: He took a shotgun blast to the face. I didn't ask about or even draw attention to his appearance. Sweet dreams for me tonight! FML
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