Today, at the one job interview I got after months of applying, I was rejected for what turned out to be a phone customer service role, because I "wasn't technical enough." Previously I worked as a website developer and I have a computer science degree. FML
Today, I found out my SO is cheating on me. He has been acting weird so I went through his phone and, sure enough, my gut was right. We have a baby and I've been raising his kids. He's wack as hell for that. FML
Today, I found out that the guy I’d been seeing for four months, with holidays, gifts, intimacy, meeting friends, the whole “building something” vibe, had secretly been on a dating app sleeping with another girl the whole time (she also still doesn't know). He lied, offered no apology, and justified his actions by saying, “We weren’t official.” FML
Today, after sex last night, I'd fallen asleep nude without bothering to put on underwear. What a mistake that was. My cat decided to wake me up by clawing and biting my naked morning wood like she was trying to rip the head off a mouse. FML
Today, I received a package at work. Thinking it was something I ordered, I opened it in front of my coworkers. It was a gift from my grandmother: a giant pink, “I Love My Grandson” T-shirt. The worst part? They insisted I put it on and take a picture to send to her. FML
Today, I was giving a presentation at work but accidentally spilled water all over my laptop. I tried to dry it off, but it wouldn't turn on. I had to give the presentation awkwardly using my phone and everyone took the piss out of me and my shoddy performance. FML
Today, I cooked pork chops on my wok that had been hanging on the pot hangers without rinsing it off. Just when I was about to eat, I saw a fried up spider. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for advice on the horrid diarrhea problem I have, because I go every thirty minutes. Luckily, I had two very big stool samples to give my doctor when I got there. Why? Due to slow drivers and hitting ALL the red lights, it took an hour to get to the doctor's. Life sure is good when it's easygoing, huh? FML
Today, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my crush how I feel about them. I poured my heart out, only for them to tell me that they're already seeing someone else. To make matters worse, they then asked me for advice on how to impress their new partner. FML
Today, I was trying out a new pizza recipe that I saw online. I made the dough, spread the sauce, and added my toppings. As I was about to put it in the oven, I realized I'd forgotten to preheat it. No big deal, or so I thought. I then knocked the entire fucking uncooked pizza face-first onto the kitchen floor. The dog ate better than I did tonight. FML
Today, my husband was supposed to have knee surgery but he wouldn't leave the house because he "got scared" no matter what I and even my mother-in-law tried to do. Now he can't have it for another six months and I took three weeks off work to help him that I can't cancel. FML
Today, the gums around my wisdom teeth are so badly swollen that I can't talk. I called a dentist to find out if I could see them for a removal. They told me to contact a surgeon, or go to the hospital emergency room. I have no insurance. FML
Today, it was my first day of junior year and a little freshman scumbag pushed me out of the way for no apparent reason. FML
Today, I'd finally gotten a great job working with kids who I totally loved and attached to super quickly, but the school district has told me they don't have space for me anymore because they caved to local pressure and hired back the anti-vaxxer, and now are overstaffed. FML
Today, I was walking to work when I noticed a cute guy ahead of me. He turned into every single street that I needed to take, and I started to worry he might think I was following him. Just as I was about to overtake him and prove I wasn't a creep, he turned into the building where I work. He's the new intern. Now I have to avoid eye contact for the rest of my life. FML
Today, I stopped at the coffee shop before work and confidently ordered "my usual." The barista looked confused but nodded. When my drink came, it was completely wrong. Turns out, I was in the wrong coffee shop. I was too embarrassed to correct them, so I drank a weird matcha-pumpkin spice sludge. FML
Today, like every other day, my mother, who I live with due to circumstances outside my control, harasses me every twenty minutes and generally treats me like her personal slave. When I dared complain, she had the audacity to tell me I’m lucky to “live a life of service.” Yeah, fuck you too. FML
Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to borrow some tools. Trying to be friendly, I asked how he was doing. He then spent the next 45 minutes describing his recent breakup in excruciating detail. I just wanted him to take the tools and leave. FML
Today, I wet my pants at the grocery store. I didn't feel like I had to go until I was inside. The embarrassing thing (besides me being 37)? I actually made it to the store's public bathroom and made it to the toilet, but my belt was on so tightly that I had to undo it and it doesn't work like an ordinary belt. FML
Today, as a graphic designer, I sent a “final” logo to a client after days of revisions. They replied that they loved it. Five minutes later I saw I'd left a hidden layer visible with a joke note that said “this version is the least ugly one.” I had to send a follow-up email claiming it was “an internal label that accidentally exported.” FML
Today, my mom's response to everything is now screaming. Two year-old brother playing quietly? Screaming. Computer freezes? Screaming. Mailman? Screaming. We tried to get her tested but no doctor can stand her for more than ten minutes. FML
Today, I woke up realizing my wife of less than a year of marriage wants a divorce. We have known each other for 15 years. FML
Today, the DA approval for my renovation finally went through. I'm getting my garage knocked down, rebuilt, and the bathroom extended by 1.2m. The bad news is that the only quote I've been able to get is for $300,000. Might as well rebuild the whole house for that amount. FML
Today, I'm due to be packing my hospital bag to give birth tomorrow before Easter weekend. Instead I'm answering client emails, and ignoring sarcastic colleague emails asking "Have you gone into labor yet?" as I haven't been fully responsive on text. FML
Today, there is a huge lump on my neck. I thought it was a boil, but it didn't seem to hurt at all, nor was it bothersome. It wasn't until my mom pointed out its existence and size one too many times that I started to feel uncomfortable, and now suddenly I can't sleep at all. FML
Today, I realized I've been using conditioner instead of shampoo for the last month. I was wondering why my hair never felt clean but always smelled great. Now I have to explain to my friends that my new "shampoo routine" was actually just expensive conditioner and ignorance. FML
Today, I borrowed a goat from a coworker to clear out an overgrown section of our yard. It worked great, except for the part where the goat butted me on my ass. Of course my wife was filming and laughing, and later put it on Instagram. FML
Today, I sent a WhatsApp message to my boss that was meant for my ex-boyfriend. The message was a picture of my middle finger. Note to self: always check which conversation window you're typing/sending pictures in. FML
Today, my ex-wife brought the kids to me angry that she had tried to pick up some guy but the kids ruined it just by being there, so she brought them to my house because she couldn’t be bothered this week. The judge giving her primary custody is a travesty of our legal system. FML
Today, I found out that not only do I have to move to fucking Miami for my dad's work, but my new school doesn't have a hockey team. My parents won't let me stay behind with my grandparents. FML
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