Today, all I heard in B&Q was my daughter laughing hysterically in the next aisle and sure enough, when I ran around, my husband was completely engrossed in some discount item on a shelf, completely ignoring our daughter who had opened a bottle of some sort of oil and painted her whole head in it. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover and a pounding headache and tried to take an ibuprofen with a glass of water. I missed my mouth and threw the pill directly into my eye. FML
Today, I was reminded that I'd submitted a short story to a writing competition months ago when I got an email saying I'd won second place. I excitedly forwarded it to friends and family. A few minutes later, another email arrived, explaining they'd contacted the wrong person. My celebration lasted exactly eleven minutes. FML
What happens next to the poor fisherman dude? Check out the video find out.
Today, my mother went on another long rant, detailing 20 years of bad things that we all already knew about a relative. The slightest recollection in a conversation never fails to turn into unending monologues. I can't change the past, nor the subject of conversation apparently. FML
Today, my friend told me, "Just think positive!" to lift my mood. I unconvincingly replied, "Sure thing." An hour later, something positive did happen. When I took a Covid test. Maybe positivity just isn’t my thing. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 16 months has had an "internet-only" girlfriend since before we got together, but she wasn't ever "real" to him, so he didn't think it would get in the way. FML
Today, in the middle of what I thought was an empty park, I told my dog he’s the “goodest, bestest boy” while out on a walk. A stranger appeared out of nowhere, gave me a thumbs-up, and said, “You too, champ.” FML
Today, as part of a group project, we are spending a week with the guys who design Formula 1 cars. The role was I assigned was marketing and merchandise, so while the rest of my team get to talk to engineers and work on real engines, I’m sat designing T-shirts and writing fake magazine articles. FML
Today, after I'd spent two weeks planning the perfect proposal at the aquarium, right as I got down on one knee, a little kid pointed at me and yelled, "Mom! That man dropped something!" Half the people around us started looking around for whatever I'd "lost" instead of watching the proposal. FML
Today, I spilled water on the front of my pants right before a meeting so I tried drying them with the hand dryer in the bathroom. A coworker walked in just as I was awkwardly squatting in front of the machine. FML
Today, I had my first poop at home after having my baby, and it was a total mess. I still have no strength in my legs so while trying to clean myself I fell and couldn’t get up. The only one in the house was my father-in-law, so he had to pick me up naked with poop down my legs. FML
Today, my new job e-mailed to tell me the role was no longer available, leaving me to start my job search all over again. My notice at my current job ends this week. But it's OK, because as compensation for my 'distress', the company sent £100 worth of vouchers... to the wrong address. FML
Today, I found out why my boyfriend always has sex with me like he hates me. Turns out, he actually hates me. FML
Today, I hit off with a guy I met on Tumblr, and we moved to Discord to chat. We're just friends, but have things in common. Then I accidentally called him while he was driving by clicking the wrong button, because I forgot how to search things up. Now he thinks I'm a creep. Time to build my walls back up again. FML
Today, my son is so naive that he didn’t notice that a company he interviewed for basically used him as free labour during a 3 day “skills assessment period”, after which he didn’t even get the job. Even after I explained to him they'd used him for 3 days free grunt work, he still didn’t understand. FML
Today, I tried to be helpful at a family dinner and offered to carve the roast. The knife slipped, the serving tray tipped. My uncle caught it with his bare hand like a movie hero. Everyone praised him for dinner-saving reflexes while I quietly sat down. FML
Today, It’s almost been a year since my husband dumped me which was on… Christmas. FML
Today, my bank, being overly paranoid about fraud, declined my Christmas purchase on Amazon because I usually don't spend that much all at once. Instead of Amazon simply asking to try the card again, they instead switched to a different card in the wallet. Which would be fine, except it's a shared family account. FML
Today, my dad thought it would be appropriate to get drunk at my wedding and include in his father of the bride speech all the very bad things I did as a child, before I got the psychiatric help I needed. My in-laws were giving me death glares, and his nana yelled, “Shame on you!” at me. FML
Today, I began my first solo holiday at my family's' lakeside cabin. After an hour of tanning in my fave bikini on the lake beach, I saw that I was alone, got brave enough to take a risk, and took off my bikini so my body could get a full tan. Guess when a family from a nearby cabin chose to also come to the lake for fun… FML
Today, for some unknown reason, I called my boss "Mum" at the end of a meeting. She paused, smiled, and said, "Aww, love you too, kiddo." The rest of the team in the room lost it. FML
Today, my boyfriend of four years told me that I have a potty mouth and that I should clean it with Harpic. FML
Today, I hosted a New Year’s Eve party, but everyone left at 11:45 PM to go to another party because "it sounded more fun." I rang in the new year alone. FML
Today, I shelled out the big bucks to stay at a luxurious glamping site in the mountains for some much-needed R&R. It was great… or would have been, were it not for the party animals in the other unit. Despite being fifty yards away, I could make out every word of the shit rap they blasted for 12 hours straight. FML
Today, while getting a followup to my MRI, my doctor joked that he "had bad news, and more bad news." Apparently my bulging discs were pressing on my spinal column, which was causing my back pain. The other bad news was my hip pain, it's caused by torn cartilage in there. I need to see two different specialists. FML
Today, it’s my first full official day with my adoptive dad. To celebrate, he took me out to a fancy restaurant for lunch. Lunch was great. The ride home less so. Let’s just say spicy lunch plus upset stomach equals diarrhea, which makes for a smelly NOT fun ride home. FML
Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achilles heel problem. I was dreaming I was running down stairs, then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML
Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML
Today, I was happily messing around with my girlfriend's toddler niece. I suddenly sneezed, coughing out a tonsil stone as big as a raisin. Before I could even react, she horrifyingly said, "Oh no! Your brains came out!" My girlfriend started to laugh, saying, "That's just about right!" FML
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