When you have to raise the bar...

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

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Backwards world

By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

22300

40181

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

By clecker - Australia

37528

12904

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

By kraussy - United States

53450

5302

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

By Anonymous

1844

149

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

By Anonymous - United States

13654

67790

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

By The_Waffle - United States - Cleveland

13479

898

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

By cockfist - United Kingdom - Glasgow

56055

6681

Today, I had the last wedding meeting with my fiancé at our church. Running extremely late from my friends house I failed to notice a small penis drawn on my forehead by my friends when I fell asleep after a party. The priest wasn't too happy and said numerous prayers for me. FML

By Good 2 have friends. - United States

14151

26729

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

647

2080

Today, I learned that if not for my grandfather gifting my dad $200, I would have been named Anthrax. FML

By cheeseburglar_9000 - United States - Saint Paul

36682

2844

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Breaux Bridge

28364

5969

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

By holliefall - United States

51406

22700

Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML

By hotdogbunz

5163

367

Today, I was playing beer pong at a party and managed to get the ball in a cup. I jumped a little bit in excitement and somehow managed to fracture my foot while doing so. FML

By Anonymous

1412

327

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

By TheEnglishOne - United States

66686

8636

Today, after applying for a job at a tanning salon, I was told they don't hire "naturally tan" people. I'm black. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

52215

4397

Today I was offered an opportunity on Instagram from a local lady to take photos of her home for her. I told my friends, because I was shocked. They were shocked too. But in the nicest terms possible, they were shocked because my Instagram "isn’t really professional enough to get such offers." Ouch. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 14:30 - United States - Alexandria

Thanks guys

715

132

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

By me - United States

33142

5174

Today, my wife and I decided to try out role playing. She ended up having an anxiety attack when I said she wasn't turning in her homework. FML

By jigglypluff - United States - Omaha

42103

4907

Today, my grandfather scolded me for not wanting to go to my 12-year-old cousin's basketball game. This is the same grandfather that refused to go to my high school graduation. FML

By emeraldapostle

2080

131

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

By ipopnlok - Australia

Romance is dead

56730

14828

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

By wrongplacewrongtime - United States - San Antonio

19851

58032

Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML

By Anonymous

6610

862

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

27859

1884

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

By funnymanjoe - United States

37647

5726

Today, I was walking home from the store when I saw my uncle. I went over and gave him a surprise hug. He grabbed my ass. He wasn't really my uncle. FML

By Anonymous - United States

45504

21084

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

By dorrisdoes - New Zealand

38242

10121

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

By ALO - United States - Bossier City

Married life

2947

201

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

By sleepylillion - United States - Eleele

14151

1506

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

By Eric Ngan - Singapore - Singapore

24153

2133

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

By Kenton

1505

146

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

By gottapee - United States

30606

5993

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

By hiii. - United States

11302

40734

Today, in an attempt to be frugal, I tried to repair my own sometimes-faulty toaster. Turns out I unplugged the wrong kitchen appliance, which I only discovered by electrocuting myself while pulling it apart. Now it's definitely broken, will need replacing, and I have a burn. FML

By Toasted

Shocking!

812

2363

Today, a soldier in my unit had unknowingly lost a GPS in the woods and my section was sent to go find it. After hours of wading through chest high swamps in 32 degree weather, the GPS was found, thanks to the soldier who lost it. It was in his vest. FML

By Anonymous - United States

32084

2302

Today, my teacher wore a bikini at the pool. She is 68. FML

By Owen - Canada - Edmonton

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4687

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

By Crash - United States

Beep beep

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61213

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

50430

3356

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

By Allie cat

9402

1550

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

By elliekilroy - United Kingdom

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