When you have to raise the bar...

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

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Rock, hard place

White line fever

This is us

By Hue - 7/7/2015 20:43 - United States

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Today, I came home from three months off the continent. My parents drove me home, and when we drove past our house, I assumed we were going for a welcome home supper. Instead, we drove to a dilapidated trailer and my parents said, "Welcome home." We used to live in a large, beautiful two-story house. FML

By HardTimes - 2/6/2019 20:00

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Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

By jelrid - 13/7/2016 04:38 - United States - Holt

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Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

By Username - 1/7/2011 21:47 - United States

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Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

By oldandmarriedapparently - 2/3/2010 05:15 - United States

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Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

By Jillian Drute - 16/8/2011 04:54 - United States

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Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

By Aaron - 26/8/2010 05:33 - United States

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Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 17:18 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

By void bowels() { cry(); } - 26/11/2014 20:45 - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

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Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML

By DrawingWaves - 27/9/2016 22:36 - United States - Woodland Hills

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Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

By paidback - 25/12/2009 01:10 - United States

Rejection erection

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Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

By NotInMiddleSchool - 20/11/2009 17:24 - United States

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Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the nearby marina. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind a lighthouse. FML

By izazbouletz - 7/7/2019 22:00

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Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

By ripdivine - 24/2/2009 17:47 - United States

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Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

By HannaMD - 26/1/2015 15:21 - Canada

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Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

By Fml37 - 20/12/2009 05:13 - Canada

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Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

By Catherine - 23/5/2011 19:33 - United States

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Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML

By FlyingCoffeeMonster - 8/8/2016 19:12 - United States - Oreland

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Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

By prian - 8/3/2010 12:08 - Canada

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Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

By natattack - 11/9/2013 21:35 - United States - Temple

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Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML

By xXxXxTOBIxX - 22/7/2013 11:49 - United States - Raleigh

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Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 01:47 - United States

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Today, I made an attempt to be nicer to customers at my job as instructed, which resulted in me listening to a handful of elderly people's incontinence issues, and a meth-addict's multiple abortions in detail. FML

By -_- - 15/3/2016 01:46 - United States - Inverness

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Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

By anonymouss - 21/9/2009 04:02 - United States

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Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

By cigarettes - 11/12/2014 18:33 - United States

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Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

By Scarlett - 26/4/2011 17:28 - United States

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Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 19:12 - United Kingdom

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Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

By bob - 3/7/2012 17:33 - United States - Fairborn

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

By Single - 7/8/2010 11:01 - France

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Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

By dumbAssCollegeStudent - 4/3/2016 00:22 - United States - Milwaukee

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Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 12:35 - Australia

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Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 11:43 - Australia

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Today, I saw an old homeless man who had just fallen down due to his drinking. Everyone laughed at him, but I felt bad, so I went to help him up. My reward? A quick punch in the face, landing me in the hospital. FML

By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 11:13 - India

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Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

By surfergal91 - 14/2/2011 20:12 - United States

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Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

By its dark - 7/1/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

By man down! man down... - 1/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

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Today, while driving on the highway, I got stuck in a traffic jam. Upon glancing over at the car in the next lane, I saw it was my ex as of a week ago. We sat in barely moving traffic right next to each other for half an hour. FML

By Awkward - 25/4/2011 18:38 - United States

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Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

By walkingonsunshine - 22/1/2010 00:14 - France

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Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 22:22 - United States

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Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

By Haggis300 - 28/3/2015 23:44 - Australia

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