By Jules - 9/12/2020 08:02 - Germany - Norden

Uncomfortable

Today, while many women have a wardrobe full of nothing-to-wear, my mom has a fridge full of nothing-to-eat and a living room full of nowhere-to-sit. FML

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Commando

Family values

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By pinkjade - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By - United States - Arcade

Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary is closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now everytime I pee, It not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom... FML

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By justme - France

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

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By CrescentSelene - Canada - Edmonton

Without me

Today, I saw my mom's Facebook profile picture for the first time. It had all of my family members in it. I was cropped out. FML

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By Ava

Today, a jobless person felt sympathy for me because I work retail. FML

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By Samprib - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

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By TheNotSoGoodDay - United States - Charlestown

Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML

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By howinthenameofholyfuck?! - 16/7/2020 17:01

Thanks for the miracle

Today, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, enduring months of tortuous chemo, having painful radiation treatments and having had my tubes tied, I realized I’ve become the butt of an incredibly cruel cosmic joke. I got pregnant from the one-night stand I had to celebrate beating cancer. FML

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By well, now what - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

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By Jim

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By jakestorm

Blockages

Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

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By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

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By dany - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

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By BERNDTOAST - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

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By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

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By Paramedic - United Kingdom

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

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By LtlCheeseburger - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

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By AchievementUnlocked? - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about celebrities he finds attractive. All of these beautiful, talented, glamorous women were starting to make me feel very plain, so he attempted to console me by saying, "But I love you. You're attainable!" FML

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling up my girlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said "What are you doing?" I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, "Thats not my nipple, its a pimple." I felt up a pimple. FML

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By sari14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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By stunned - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me when he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. We gave our stuff back, he was joking and happy the whole time until I told him I was taking back my cat. At that point he burst into tears. FML

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By AudraRose - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

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By ouch

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By puppylove - United States

Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By wow - United States - Gilbert

Today, my boyfriend got angry and threatened to dump me, all because I wouldn't give in to his demands not to go to a birthday sleepover with my friends. He seriously thinks it's going to turn into some kind of lesbian orgy and that I'll cheat on him. Thanks, PornHub. FML

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By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

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By CH - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7956984 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 15:10

And you're full of not-having-a-job and not-having-your-own-damn-money-to-spend!

By Warp1978 | 11

#7956934 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 11:38

Time to tidy while she's not looking then leave it and see if she notices

COMMENTS

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7956911 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 9:16

Haha, sounds like my mom's place. Would be funny if I'm your actual sister!

By Warp1978 | 11

#7956934 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 11:38

Time to tidy while she's not looking then leave it and see if she notices

By chyiochan | 31

#7956977 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 14:36

Is she my children?!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7956984 - Wednesday 9 December 2020 15:10

And you're full of not-having-a-job and not-having-your-own-damn-money-to-spend!