Work: Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about...

By ouch. - 25/09/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 3 380

Work

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Classic switcheroo

Are you experienced?

By traveling - 09/07/2013 11:18

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 904

You deserved it 6 391

By moe - 19/10/2010 19:15 - United States

Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 553

You deserved it 2 849

By Anonymous - 20/03/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 206

You deserved it 4 564

By caaarl - 19/04/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 948

You deserved it 6 516

By Anonymous - 09/03/2010 07:47 - United States

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 262

You deserved it 4 578

Let it out

By Anonymous - 05/10/2020 14:02

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 1 447

By drucle - 18/03/2016 12:49 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Drunkle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 894

You deserved it 16 140

By CircleBruise - 08/06/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 355

You deserved it 5 861

By fmlforreal - 15/10/2010 08:33 - Singapore

Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 109

You deserved it 9 588

By Catcrap! - 18/11/2013 23:47 - United States - Rialto

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 243

You deserved it 6 359

By "sanza666" - 26/04/2019 00:00

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 828

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 30/09/2017 13:00

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 520

You deserved it 200

By littlemisstiny - 29/08/2009 08:48 - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 728

You deserved it 3 954

By Anonymous - 02/09/2009 09:39 - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 529

You deserved it 50 827

By sm702 - 12/07/2011 16:45 - United States

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 433

You deserved it 52 243

By mouseart - 03/11/2016 14:51

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 297

You deserved it 1 314

By mommydearist - 19/10/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, my car broke down in the middle of the street. Lucky for me, two guys helped me push my car to the side of the road. Right when I was about to thank them, they stole my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 681

You deserved it 2 880

By Anonymous - 02/06/2013 04:36 - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 899

You deserved it 15 798

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 00:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 093

You deserved it 2 987

By YouAssholes - 09/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 571

You deserved it 3 765

By Sting - 26/04/2016 20:49 - United States - Manassas

Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew upwards and got hit by the rotating fan. It then immediately decided to take it's revenge by stinging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 385

You deserved it 1 003

Pain in the neck

By Anonymous - 14/02/2020 05:00

Today, my mom drove my car and ran had to make a u turn on a narrow street. Instead of slowing down, she speeds to turn running off the road and denting my car. Make it worse, she blamed me for not giving her good directions. Then follows up with it is not that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 318

By anonymous - 15/07/2013 01:07 - United States - La Pine

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 789

You deserved it 5 134

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 17:32 - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 078

You deserved it 4 196

By hockusa3 - 11/09/2014 15:44 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 427

You deserved it 52 619

By sleepwalker - 14/09/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my math class. Turns out I sleep walk. I woke up at the front of the room with chalk in my hand, scribbles on the board behind me, and the whole class laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 552

You deserved it 8 359

By AwesomePGnarles - 13/02/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 673

You deserved it 44 413

By criminal tit offender - 31/08/2013 16:25 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 934

You deserved it 72 549

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 028

You deserved it 56 333

By Juicy12Jham - 09/09/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 044

You deserved it 4 448

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 959

You deserved it 44 426

By theoriginalkydd - 11/12/2018 07:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I met up with my ex girlfriend for coffee. It’s been months, and I was planning on flexing on her with my new car. Turns out, she also got a new car, and it’s newer, cleaner, faster, and better on gas... FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 080

You deserved it 3 513

By Anonymous - 12/03/2016 11:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 973

You deserved it 2 071

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 10:01

Today, I broke a heel and fell. A real handsome guy helped me up, so being single I said I didn’t know how I might repay him, hoping he might ask me out. He asked me if I’d be willing to go to the public toilets round the corner and suck him off. Why do I even bother trying to find a nice guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 249

You deserved it 222

By sickdisney - 21/05/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 096

You deserved it 35 864

By best breast - 06/04/2018 00:00

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 108

You deserved it 647

By mysterygurll1234567 - 20/01/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 641

You deserved it 3 696

The Candidate

By Anonymous - 20/04/2020 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced she would like me to be her surrogate, so that her body doesn't look like a stretched wobbly mess after childbirth. Apparently, I'm a perfect candidate, as "we won't see a difference." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 179

You deserved it 158

By morg2000 - 17/02/2009 23:23 - Mexico

Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 526

You deserved it 3 156

By danesy - 10/03/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. It was around 6:30am and I was listening to music and catching up on homework. When I took my headphones off to readjust them, I heard some grunting. I looked over at the man across from me to see he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 091

You deserved it 3 765

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Top comments

takeapieandrun 9

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:33

Tell him you need to make your face look as different from his as possible

Bunnehs 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:34

Plastic surgery is a very expensive treatment, thats really nice of him to offer! You should be grateful.

ILoveMyXbox 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:31

Thumbs me down.

newzealand 28

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:39

Thumb me sideways.

LadyClarik 8

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:10

mrahhhhh 21

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:10

Ok #1 we will, you asked for it... BTW, I know the mods changed his post so it would say that. That makes it funnier, though.

PutItIn 8

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:33

Finger Me Out

takeapieandrun 9

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:33

Tell him you need to make your face look as different from his as possible

PutItIn 8

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:36

Thumbs me up

rawrkittyrawr 6

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Sunday 25 September 2011 14:19

Well if it's at a discount....

RawrNom 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 14:21

that was quick :) good comment :) hey atleast when you grow old and want some... cheap surgery! although he'll be old too... I'd rather pay the extra tbh aha!

deaper 15

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Sunday 25 September 2011 16:10

I actually DID ? cause you're obviously a troll trying to see just how many ?'s you can get so I refuse to help you in your task! Go back under the bridge you sorry troll!

zombicidal 11

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Sunday 25 September 2011 16:12

OP could always go up a cup size. thanks to her father.......

theaws0m3guy 4

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Sunday 25 September 2011 21:35

OP's family must be rich!

changesinme 0

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Monday 26 September 2011 18:04

Jokes on him, you got his genes

Bunnehs 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:34

Plastic surgery is a very expensive treatment, thats really nice of him to offer! You should be grateful.

lincolntwo 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:53

Do not know if sarcastic or just blatant silliness.

deaper 15

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Sunday 25 September 2011 16:12

I wouldn't SAY silliness even if that's shat it was! I'd say blatant jack-assery!

Melisso 4

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Monday 26 September 2011 0:32

I want some!

Daralea 21

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Monday 26 September 2011 20:48

I really don't get what's so bad about this. Your dad is in a profession where people are realistic about their physical flaws and want to change it. He deals with these people everyday and knows how what someone looks like can have drastic effects on their self esteem and how they are perceived by the world around them. He is merely offering the OP the chance to change parts of her that may be affecting her negatively in a safe environment that he can control. He didn't flat out say "So how about that nose and second chin?".

plizz3 2

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:38

I guess it's true what they say some only have a face a mother can love....I agree FYL

Joshoa123 16

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Sunday 25 September 2011 14:50

Good ol' dad humor!

hairguitarhero 5

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:39

Well, did you ask him how much of a discount it was?

olpally 32

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Sunday 25 September 2011 23:56

Half off would be my guess...

ReaPete 0

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:40

What's this week's special?

mrahhhhh 21

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Sunday 25 September 2011 13:14

Today we have the "Total Recall" special: three boobs for the price of two!

fthislyfe 22

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:41

He's your father and he wants the best for you. So you probably need a plastic surgery!

Dontstealmyname 11

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Sunday 25 September 2011 17:03

If a father wants the best for his daughter, he would offer plastic surgery. Ignorance at it's best.

Sgt_Minty 0

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Monday 26 September 2011 0:07

how much of a discount did your dad give you? looks like he did a pretty good job

every1luvsboners 11

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Sunday 25 September 2011 12:42

Look at a picture of Joan Rivers before you decide to get plastic surgery. But upgrading your bewbz is never a bad thing.

Cheesecakee 11

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Sunday 25 September 2011 15:22

Except that they usually end up hard as rocks..oh and it could make you lose feeling in your nipples..

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Sunday 25 September 2011 17:40

Have you seen sagging implants? They're still spherical, but now they're all the way down to your belly button. I understand the desire to have this procedure done for example because of a mastectomy, but messing with what are usually perfectly fine breasts has a very high chance of giving you more problems than you bargained for.