Animals: Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead...

By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

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Animals

Understandable

And today, on Dr Phil…

Admit you're shit

By what - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By Britney - United States

Today, I discovered I have a cyst on my backside. I can't get it removed until Friday. I have to sit through four midterms this week. FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By bad surprise - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By Liv - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By frogface_fml - 20/5/2020 05:00

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta - Santa Venera

Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML

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By Squashed - United States

Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

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By i see fat people - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML

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By TotallyDeservedIt - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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By howler - United States

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By movingout - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

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By satega - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Inverness

Today, after months of helping my mother with bills because she claimed she had no money, I found out she makes way more than what I do. She just wanted my money for alcohol and drugs. FML

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By CEO - United States - Bristow

Dating is hell

Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

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By daughter in law - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

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By PLU - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

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By - France

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

OCD

Today, the room I am renting from an old lady is stuffed with porcelain figures, etc. I carefully put them into the drawers to create some space for the books I need for college. While I was gone, she used her key and put all the porcelain figures back on the shelves. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By Reeen - United States - Pittsboro

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

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By sarahpft - United States

Today, my parents told me they wouldn't be able to afford my senior portraits. That was fine with me, until I found some expensive professional photos in the mail. Of our dog. FML

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By Ropebunnbon

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By gettinganF - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By helloimkylieee - United States - Tracy

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

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By LostAlice - 28/3/2021 17:01

You tried

Today, I requested a deadline extension at work. The extension was granted, but it didn't apply to me. FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

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By _Emilyy - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

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By S. Fancyson - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By John S. - 25/4/2021 16:59

Seize the day

Today, I finally decided to try to get a date with the girl I like at work. While I was looking for her around the office, her supervisor approached me. She's in the hospital due to Covid-19. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was telling my boyfriend about how self conscious I am and how I obsess about my weight. He said, "Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to lose that much weight." FML

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By Anonymous

Gentrification strikes !

Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML

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Top comments

By acmariner99 | 24

#7822950 - Saturday 20 July 2019 20:10

Just doing what cats do

By RichardPencil | 30

#7822913 - Saturday 20 July 2019 17:10

This makes no sense. Wouldn’t the gift of a dead mouse worsen your insomnia?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7822913 - Saturday 20 July 2019 17:10

This makes no sense. Wouldn’t the gift of a dead mouse worsen your insomnia?

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7822923 - Saturday 20 July 2019 18:01

what do you mean you have no idea where he got it? he obviously caught it in your house. you have mice. not that unusual.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7822950 - Saturday 20 July 2019 20:10

Just doing what cats do