Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study... - FML

By SigSeg - 23/12/2013 04:13 - China - Huntington Beach

Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study and my Chinese girlfriend nicely offered me a pear after a long exam. I cut the fruit to share it with her. When I saw her burst in tears, I understood that it was a way to announce a breakup in China. FML

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Proactive

Social distancing gone wrong

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By sexybelly - 26/3/2015 08:35 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, I was asked when my baby is due. My baby was due 6 months ago. FML

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By Oops - 25/2/2017 00:00 - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

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By esb - 13/8/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

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By I hate children - 18/8/2014 12:10 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, two children decided it would be fun to try to ding-dong-ditch me. I never answered the door as I saw them running away. They did it a couple of times before getting bored. That's when they decided it would be fun to come into my house instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 20:28 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

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By UnluckyEMT - 27/12/2018 14:00

Today, someone I've been crushing on admitted they're attracted to me too. We hooked up, but now she says we can't date because she is already dating someone. I feel terrible for them, and now know she isn't the kinda person I thought she was ... FML

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By Brilliant... - 25/5/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

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By moodyreallyrocks - 1/11/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

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By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

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By that kind of girl - 2/4/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By tumbleshay - 21/3/2015 01:32 - United States - Veneta

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 14:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting picked up by my dad after I had been swimming. I saw his car, so I walked over to it, got in and started talking about how I'd seen my brother. It wasn't until after I had put my seat belt on that I realized I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By sobusy - 25/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By Kitten - 6/9/2018 03:30

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

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By GeorgiaBOYY - 4/1/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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By 0867142 - 27/2/2010 00:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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By Caroline1812 - 24/4/2015 23:58 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

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By SteamLass765 - 13/8/2015 09:58

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

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By ragingwaffles - 13/8/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By Mandy - 22/12/2014 21:36 - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By stellarshaun - 16/1/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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By Yippie - 2/5/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2016 16:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

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By sparky83000 - 29/10/2015 20:51 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

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By badass - 13/8/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML

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By me - 29/10/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh I had an itch..." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 05:02

Might never happen, love

Today, I was blocked by a girl I like. She said I was mean for not understanding why she hates when people tell her to smile. I worked as a waiter and hated when people told me to smile all the time. Yet I'm the one who doesn't understand, apparently. FML

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By La Guigne - 8/4/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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By FMAhole - 12/2/2019 12:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By Avomitmous - 9/2/2014 21:18 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, less than a week after moving in together, I decided to clean out my husband's messy room. In the process, I found a jar containing what appears to be a toenail collection. I don't think I'll ever regain my appetite. FML

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By benz1369 - 12/5/2016 22:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while stocking the green beans at work, I picked up a "leaf" which turned out to be a grasshopper. I screamed so loud, my coworkers now think I'm crazy. This is only my second week here. FML

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By Mouse - 17/10/2012 23:15

Today, my college class was talking about Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from the edge of space down to earth. A boy suddenly put his head up and said in a serious tone, "I thought he jumped from the moon?" Several girls concurred. This is my generation. FML

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By MGDS - 14/12/2013 05:52 - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

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By chinousmc - 6/12/2012 11:30 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

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Top comments

By Joshwarrior | 38

#6594846 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:24

My condolences op you were such a cute pear together. Look at the bright side you are learning other cultures customs which is awesome (:

By Pyronic | 11

#6594849 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:25

it was just a misunderstanding. I'm sure she will understand.

COMMENTS

By Joshwarrior | 38

#6594846 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:24

My condolences op you were such a cute pear together. Look at the bright side you are learning other cultures customs which is awesome (:

By Pyronic | 11

#6594849 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:25

it was just a misunderstanding. I'm sure she will understand.

By LennyComa | 39

#6594861 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:31

U reccomen explaining in your culture sharing is a sign of caring.

By spearcom | 13

#6594862 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:30

Hurry!!! Put it back together!!!

But seriously, hope she undrstands it was a cultural misunderstanding.

Good Luck

By Mathalamus | 24

#6594868 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:33

whoops. tell her that it was a mistake, and don't do that again. or at least figure out if its only the pear that announces the breakup.

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6594910 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:10

just explain your intentions

By RedCronos | 17

#6594913 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:13

At least you got something out of the breakup

Reply

R2Y2 | 22

#6594958 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:46

Yeah man, a pear. Whoo.

Reply

MoxleyCrue | 17

#6595345 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 2:19

I thought it was funny.

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 26

#6595468 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 4:40

well...half a pear

By sadistmonkey | 19

#6594945 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:37

Wait, is the cutting of the pear on the OP's part the equivalent to announcing a breakup or was the girlfriend announcing the breakup by offering him a pear?

Reply

FalloutScrolls | 25

#6594957 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:46

Inquiring minds want to know.

Reply

Kaamil_fml | 15

#6594963 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:49

Exactly my thoughts

Reply

Ging3rSnap | 9

#6594969 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:54

The cutting of the pear and offering to share it was a symbol for breaking up. If you are given a pear you are to eat it yourself; otherwise you are separating the "pair"

Reply

gracehi | 31

#6595048 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:45

Does the pun work in Chinese as well? Or do they use the pun from the English language? So many questions!

Reply

icefishbaby | 14

#6595084 - Monday 2 May 2016 21:23

"Fen Ii (to split a pear) also sounds like fen Ii (to depart). Therefore, it is unlucky to cut a pair in half for your lover, as it may result in your splitting up."

Reply

muarif | 19

#6595131 - Monday 2 May 2016 22:18

Thanks Captain! :D

Reply

band_geek | 18

#6595171 - Monday 2 May 2016 23:04

It's a play on word in their own language. It's like how when in Korea, if you're trying to apologize, but don't really want to say it, they give an apple as a form of apology due to apple in Korean (pronoucned sah-gwa) sounds like "sorry".

By Limeila | 10

#6595012 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:24

This was on VDM (the French FML) first and I know the guy who wrote it. Yes it's a guy, not a girl like the website says ;)

By naviajack626 | 16

#6595029 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:33

She'll understand. How could she expect you to know?