Love: Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study... - FML

By SigSeg - China - Huntington Beach

Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study and my Chinese girlfriend nicely offered me a pear after a long exam. I cut the fruit to share it with her. When I saw her burst in tears, I understood that it was a way to announce a breakup in China. FML

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Out of it

Season finale

Mr Commitment

By failhusband - United States

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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By PinkTornado - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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By ElizaWy

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

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By 16590 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

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By Curly - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

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By MdT - South Africa

Today, my family returned from a holiday in Egypt. A holiday that I really wanted to spend with them. As if leaving me behind wasn't bad enough, they then made me watch a 200 picture slideshow of how much fun they had. FML

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By megs

Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

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By insomnia - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going through my mom's old yearbook. There was a page long note from her friend talking about my mother's crazy drunk sex stories and describing multiple sexual encounters she had while on a pool table. I am deeply scarred forever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

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By CorCelesti - United States

Today, I got married. My father saw this as a good time to give some solemn, heartfelt advice to my new husband: "That ring gets real heavy fast." I was standing right there. So was my mother. FML

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By Miami6and3 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I asked my mom if I was ugly. She said, "Ask your girlfriend." I said I don't have one. She said "Exactly." FML

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By mapollis - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time, and all I could say was: "Can I have my parking permit back?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

ACAB

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

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By oops - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By DogStew

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

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By Mary Anne - 3/9/2020 09:04 - United States - Denver

Rack go thwack

Today, while at work, I walked head first into the edge of a clothing rack. I was looking right at it. People saw. FML

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By florisvanlent - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

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By she won't see a therapist - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

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By jessybear777 - United States - Branson

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

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By Hannah - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

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By fisted - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was out for a walk, wearing a T-shirt with a fist on it and the words "Bump it." A guy came up to me, looked at my shirt, shrugged, and punched me in the stomach. FML

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By texasrose921 - United States - Springfield

Today, as a student reporter for our college newspaper, I interviewed the president of my university. I was surprised to get an interview with him, and because of my nerves, as soon as I walked into his office I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the ground. FML

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By xoothc08 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By pray for me

Today, I'm so broke after my recent divorce that I stole toilet paper from my church. I'm the pastor. FML

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By shmelly - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Indoraptor - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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Top comments

By Joshwarrior | 39

#6594846 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:24

My condolences op you were such a cute pear together. Look at the bright side you are learning other cultures customs which is awesome (:

By Pyronic | 11

#6594849 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:25

it was just a misunderstanding. I'm sure she will understand.

COMMENTS

By Joshwarrior | 39

#6594846 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:24

My condolences op you were such a cute pear together. Look at the bright side you are learning other cultures customs which is awesome (:

By Pyronic | 11

#6594849 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:25

it was just a misunderstanding. I'm sure she will understand.

By LennyComa | 39

#6594861 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:31

U reccomen explaining in your culture sharing is a sign of caring.

By spearcom | 13

#6594862 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:30

Hurry!!! Put it back together!!!

But seriously, hope she undrstands it was a cultural misunderstanding.

Good Luck

By Mathalamus | 24

#6594868 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:33

whoops. tell her that it was a mistake, and don't do that again. or at least figure out if its only the pear that announces the breakup.

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6594910 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:10

just explain your intentions

By RedCronos | 17

#6594913 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:13

At least you got something out of the breakup

Reply

R2Y2 | 22

#6594958 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:46

Yeah man, a pear. Whoo.

Reply

MoxleyCrue | 17

#6595345 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 2:19

I thought it was funny.

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 28

#6595468 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 4:40

well...half a pear

By sadistmonkey | 19

#6594945 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:37

Wait, is the cutting of the pear on the OP's part the equivalent to announcing a breakup or was the girlfriend announcing the breakup by offering him a pear?

Reply

FalloutScrolls | 25

#6594957 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:46

Inquiring minds want to know.

Reply

Kaamil_fml | 15

#6594963 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:49

Exactly my thoughts

Reply

Ging3rSnap | 9

#6594969 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:54

The cutting of the pear and offering to share it was a symbol for breaking up. If you are given a pear you are to eat it yourself; otherwise you are separating the "pair"

Reply

gracehi | 31

#6595048 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:45

Does the pun work in Chinese as well? Or do they use the pun from the English language? So many questions!

Reply

icefishbaby | 14

#6595084 - Monday 2 May 2016 21:23

"Fen Ii (to split a pear) also sounds like fen Ii (to depart). Therefore, it is unlucky to cut a pair in half for your lover, as it may result in your splitting up."

Reply

muarif | 19

#6595131 - Monday 2 May 2016 22:18

Thanks Captain! :D

Reply

band_geek | 18

#6595171 - Monday 2 May 2016 23:04

It's a play on word in their own language. It's like how when in Korea, if you're trying to apologize, but don't really want to say it, they give an apple as a form of apology due to apple in Korean (pronoucned sah-gwa) sounds like "sorry".

By Limeila | 10

#6595012 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:24

This was on VDM (the French FML) first and I know the guy who wrote it. Yes it's a guy, not a girl like the website says ;)

By naviajack626 | 16

#6595029 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:33

She'll understand. How could she expect you to know?