Love: Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study... - FML

By SigSeg - China - Huntington Beach

Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study and my Chinese girlfriend nicely offered me a pear after a long exam. I cut the fruit to share it with her. When I saw her burst in tears, I understood that it was a way to announce a breakup in China. FML

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Empathy lives

Sewer monster

F*** my overweight life

By rapper in training - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

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By younggrammy - United States

Today, my 14 year old daughter told me she's pregnant. I work as a public speaker for promoting celibacy and safe sex. FML

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By -_- - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my hair straightener broke. My husband suggested putting electrical tape on it because it was heat proof. I did and started straightening my hair. The supposed heat proof tape melted and got stuck in my hair. FML

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By Neversleepingthereagain - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Middlewich

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

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By Anthony - France

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

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By bakergirl - Australia

Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

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By wormsick - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By clublulu - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

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By ELLI

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

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By Goki - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a god damn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

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By ghostyyy - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I'm so lazy, I dread getting up early on days that haven't arrived yet. For stuff I actually like doing, too. FML

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By drastech99 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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By John LegoHair

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a wig. It's my real hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I found out that if I say "make a sandwich", it doesn't matter what context it's in, or whether it's a command or just me describing my day; I'll be yelled at anyway by my hipster roommate for being a "sexist cunt", then end up apologizing just to get her to shut up. FML

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By heshay - United States

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Sharing is caring

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shreveport

Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML

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By roomatewoes - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

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By CARnage - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By Chubs - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

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By Professional

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, after spending time with my daughter and painting her nails she gives me a hug and says, "Mommy I love you, but I love daddy much better!" FML

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By nosrepamai82 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

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By soulaar - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By Master's_degree_in_failure - 17/10/2020 22:30

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Today, I "answered" an email instead of "forwarding" it. As a result, there is a chance that my Master's thesis supervisor gets a message from me starting by the F-word, and complaining about my bad work and inability to understand a deadline. FML

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By Thanksmom - United States - Riverside

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

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By sausages - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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By fuck - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML

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By brokebihhhh - United States

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

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By SmileAndSayHi - United States - Hialeah

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

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Top comments

By Joshwarrior | 39

#6594846 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:24

My condolences op you were such a cute pear together. Look at the bright side you are learning other cultures customs which is awesome (:

By Pyronic | 11

#6594849 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:25

it was just a misunderstanding. I'm sure she will understand.

COMMENTS

By Joshwarrior | 39

#6594846 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:24

My condolences op you were such a cute pear together. Look at the bright side you are learning other cultures customs which is awesome (:

By Pyronic | 11

#6594849 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:25

it was just a misunderstanding. I'm sure she will understand.

By LennyComa | 39

#6594861 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:31

U reccomen explaining in your culture sharing is a sign of caring.

By spearcom | 13

#6594862 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:30

Hurry!!! Put it back together!!!

But seriously, hope she undrstands it was a cultural misunderstanding.

Good Luck

By Mathalamus | 24

#6594868 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:33

whoops. tell her that it was a mistake, and don't do that again. or at least figure out if its only the pear that announces the breakup.

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6594910 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:10

just explain your intentions

By RedCronos | 17

#6594913 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:13

At least you got something out of the breakup

Reply

R2Y2 | 22

#6594958 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:46

Yeah man, a pear. Whoo.

Reply

MoxleyCrue | 17

#6595345 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 2:19

I thought it was funny.

Reply

kfchicken | 31

#6595468 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 4:40

well...half a pear

By sadistmonkey | 19

#6594945 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:37

Wait, is the cutting of the pear on the OP's part the equivalent to announcing a breakup or was the girlfriend announcing the breakup by offering him a pear?

Reply

FalloutScrolls | 25

#6594957 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:46

Inquiring minds want to know.

Reply

Kaamil_fml | 15

#6594963 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:49

Exactly my thoughts

Reply

Ging3rSnap | 9

#6594969 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:54

The cutting of the pear and offering to share it was a symbol for breaking up. If you are given a pear you are to eat it yourself; otherwise you are separating the "pair"

Reply

gracehi | 31

#6595048 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:45

Does the pun work in Chinese as well? Or do they use the pun from the English language? So many questions!

Reply

icefishbaby | 14

#6595084 - Monday 2 May 2016 21:23

"Fen Ii (to split a pear) also sounds like fen Ii (to depart). Therefore, it is unlucky to cut a pair in half for your lover, as it may result in your splitting up."

Reply

muarif | 19

#6595131 - Monday 2 May 2016 22:18

Thanks Captain! :D

Reply

band_geek | 18

#6595171 - Monday 2 May 2016 23:04

It's a play on word in their own language. It's like how when in Korea, if you're trying to apologize, but don't really want to say it, they give an apple as a form of apology due to apple in Korean (pronoucned sah-gwa) sounds like "sorry".

By Limeila | 10

#6595012 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:24

This was on VDM (the French FML) first and I know the guy who wrote it. Yes it's a guy, not a girl like the website says ;)

By naviajack626 | 16

#6595029 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:33

She'll understand. How could she expect you to know?