Love and Health: Today, I got married and it was wonderful. I had a beautiful... - FML

By kotolokacja - Poland - Plock

Today, I got married and it was wonderful. I had a beautiful mermaid-style tight dress, had fun with my husband, and drunk like there was no tomorrow. Then my bridesmaid forcefully took me to the bathroom to show a big, red stain on my butt. My period came two weeks early. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Assumptions

Woodland mystery

By justsingle - Philippines

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

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By gabbykinz13 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By nottananny - United States

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

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By Leauge - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By butterbody - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML

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By melikeyturtles - United States

Today, I went to work as a home health-aid, and found out that my client turns his hearing aid off on purpose because he can't stand my voice. FML

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Don't worry dad

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By xCZ75x - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my best friend on Snapchat is my mum. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

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By dramaqueen - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Takarazuka

Today, as I walked out the door to head to class, my neighbour's kid threw a balloon at me, filled with some kind of foul-smelling liquid that he calls "liquid ass". I had a presentation 20 minutes later and couldn't get the smell off myself in time. FML

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By grossed the f out

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By Tori Pearson - Canada

Today, I went camping. My tent is flooded, a raccoon ate all my food, I lost the anchor to my boat which as a result is now across the lake. Three more days. FML

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By awkward O_o - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By alltimelove

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By Higgs - United States

Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML

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By seriously? - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

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By Gage

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

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By weswithaute - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied. Without missing a beat, she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She is 16. FML

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By mathgenius - Norway - Kolltveit

Today, I passed my math test with flying colors. My dad thought I had cheated, so he emailed the school and told them that I had. They lowered my grade. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By Tang - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he wasn't on Facebook for the last two days. It turned out his father found out we were talking, and banned him from logging on. He's 19. FML

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By dinosaurman - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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By phishy - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By lurna301 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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Today, I spent 4 hours making a cheesecake for my brother's girlfriend, which she begged me for a week to make. After my oven breaking and having to buy a new hand mixer, she tells me she's not going to eat it because this morning she decided to try being a vegan because, "it sounds interesting." FML

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By ohwell - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

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By Tams - Canada

Cheers, Henry

Today, my grandma and I went to visit one of her friends. The elderly gentleman told me I'd grown into a very beautiful young woman, to which my grandma replied, "Have you started in on the sherry early this evening, Henry?" FML

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By leeceetaylor99 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2021 18:30 - United States - Johnstown

Cars and cards

Today, I took my car through the automated wash. I was too close to swipe my card, so the attendant reached for it and somewhere between our hands, the card fell into the grate and down a small crack 10ft into nasty water. The whole car wash was shut down to pull the massive grate up. It took about 2 hours. FML

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By kill me - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

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By supersmashpika - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7681713 - Friday 24 August 2018 6:45

When you sent out the wedding invitations, you never leave out Aunt Flo — she might just barge in uninvited.

By snowdrift | 6

#7681710 - Friday 24 August 2018 6:04

Bloody hell.

COMMENTS

By snowdrift | 6

#7681710 - Friday 24 August 2018 6:04

Bloody hell.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7681713 - Friday 24 August 2018 6:45

When you sent out the wedding invitations, you never leave out Aunt Flo — she might just barge in uninvited.

By real life problems | 26

#7681720 - Friday 24 August 2018 7:22

Did you finish the wedding in sweatpants?

By zuckerburg | 21

#7681766 - Friday 24 August 2018 8:37

It was a wine stain... right.... glad you enjoyed your wedding regardless

By hellphone_fml | 37

#7682040 - Friday 24 August 2018 16:50

Stress does that to you I'm sorry op

By AzrielB | 8

#7682078 - Friday 24 August 2018 18:48

at least you didn't have the poop body suit fml

By acmariner99 | 24

#7682221 - Saturday 25 August 2018 1:16

Would it be better if it were two weeks late?

By I'veRunOuttaPatience | 11

#7682592 - Saturday 25 August 2018 21:09

At least your bridesmaid did her duty and got you out of there as soon as she noticed.

By Cat's Paw | 15

#7687046 - Monday 3 September 2018 4:24

If your family and friends care about you, they will photoshop out any big, red stains out of any pictures and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.