Transportation: Today, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My ex-girlfriend, who...

By hotride

Today, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My ex-girlfriend, who I had broken up with the day before, had set my car on fire. I had just finished restoring it. I was going to insure it today. FML

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jd7546 tells us more :

I had just started restoring it when I got it, and nobody would insure it when I got it. it looked like a junkyard heap of shit, I just got it back the day before I broke up with her. still have the burnt up shell in my drive way that I have to dispose of :(

Transportation

Dangling modifier

Bad news

Race against the clock

By kumcat - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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31873

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By Desperate_measures - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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30009

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, after several long years, a lot of debt, and two great degrees from a top university, I had to move back in with my parents, because no matter where I look, I can't find a job. FML

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38722

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By Mintilou - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

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20006

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I called my mom to make sure she could attend on the wedding day my fiancé and I had discussed. She started off with criticizing the venue we considered, then went on to criticize my fiancé, and then stated she would under no circumstances help out, but demanded to pick my wedding dress. FML

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23378

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By rolypoly - United Kingdom

Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML

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71344

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By Jill - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

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49459

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By crosscountryfatigue

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

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2513

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By bagadigi - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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11737

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By lalala - Philippines

Today, my best friend told me I lost weight. I was happy because I've worked hard to shed off those pounds. I asked her what changes were evident, she told me that I now have a neck. FML

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31000

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By jentea - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML

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By Puppylove - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By NoComparison - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

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By grossed out mom - Canada - Scarborough

Today, when I visited my daughter's apartment that she moved into about 3 months ago, I found out that she buys new underwear every time she runs out instead of washing her dirty ones. Her dirty ones have their own special hamper. FML

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26036

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By Fcuked - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

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25524

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By ohemgee - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, a car hit me while I was in a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML

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44078

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By bitchyskier - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her "Get the f*ck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

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By Joshua Diamond - 14/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Ed Sheeran-lite

Today, I phoned my ex, who I only broke up with a week ago. I then told her about the song I'd written about her. I have written a song, but it is shite and I would die of embarrassment if I ever had to play it to her. I’ll have to play it to her and confess my simpy, wet ways. FML

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166

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By Anonymous - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

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By heartbroken - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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51917

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By storyteller - United States - Elkhart

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

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11388

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By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By tooembarassed - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

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26454

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By Anonymous - United States

The straights are at it again

Today, I went on a Grindr date with a really cute guy. I thought things went really well. When he dropped me off at home, he told me not to text him anymore because his wife might get mad. FML

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1870

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By ajwwfc - 19/10/2020 23:03 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Bored of you

Today, I realised that whenever I make eye contact with a stranger, I yawn. I work at a McDonald's FML

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791

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By ew - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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22036

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 08:01 - Germany - Teningen

In vain

Today, I found out that I chose a wrong class and my 30-page paper worth 10 credit points that I wrote for that class is basically worthless now, and my graduation might be postponed another semester just because of that. FML

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557

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By MexicanMe - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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31500

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By Ringo McDingo - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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22160

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By depressed - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

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10759

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

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62922

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By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

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8857

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By madzlovesgee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML

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68668

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By E

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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9347

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By Anonymous

Make it easy on yourself

Today, I had depressive feelings, so I decided to write about it to find out what was bothering me, and let go of the negative thoughts. While doing so, I had a panic attack. FML

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By 0h_Boy - 4/3/2020 18:00

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

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1703

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Top comments

By Hump_Zilla | 0

#1848557 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:05

prosecute her...sue...for value of car...if you just finished restoring it I'm sure you van het receipts to help fight your case

By dougierocks | 11

#1848516 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:59

Can you prove it? will you prosecute her? it'll keep her outta your hair for a while..

COMMENTS

By zinoxity | 23

#1848491 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:56

What the fuck??! Go burn her house down! :D What a furry night.

fakeaccountX | 6

#1848682 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:20

First your CAR, next is your HOUSE!
Move out of town before the bitch makes her next move!
Or better yet, just go torch her ass.

coderedz | 0

#1848899 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:25

bitch would die

green_eyes124 | 0

#1848931 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:32

Hmmm, wouldn't the day before 'today' be yesterday? Yeah, random I know, but hey, I'm tired *yawn*

Marvin_Android | 0

#1849129 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:26

Sounds frustrating.

All of your effort, for nothing. But that's just how all endeavors by all organisms are; you wind up dead and everything you've accomplished is destroyed. It's just so depressing, the pointlessness of it all.

I'm not bringing you down, am I? You've had a rough enough day.

Life. Don't talk to me about life.

mikemik22 | 0

#1849178 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:50

So how's life?

Selena_is_back | 7

#1849193 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 22:00

Life's such a bitch!

theannonymousone | 0

#1849262 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 22:23

LAWSUIT! Now!

Marvin_Android | 0

#1849387 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:04

58, it's dreadful. Wasn't I clear enough for your primitive Earth-monkey brain earlier?

59, yes. Awful, isn't it.

sparta98 | 4

#1849857 - Thursday 16 December 2010 0:41

"What happened?" "I explained my views of life to the ship" "And?" "She committed suicide..."

iliketurdles | 7

#1849878 - Thursday 16 December 2010 0:43

Is it me or does anyone think this Android needs to get laid?

Go call E.T to see if he wants to hook up or something?! Just a thought.

DocBastard | 38

#1850007 - Thursday 16 December 2010 1:22

It's just you, Turdles. Marvin is a character from a Douglas Adams series, and Marvin_Android plays the part perfectly.

mrsflinstone | 0

#1851004 - Thursday 16 December 2010 2:11

haha the crazy ex girlfriend.

alex1502 | 0

#1855901 - Friday 17 December 2010 6:08

#59, a bitch it is...

By DahkLohd | 4

#1848497 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:57

Wee-woo!

AchillesWing | 0

#1852359 - Thursday 16 December 2010 8:40

So is your mums, that's why she only gets anal.

Anaxes | 5

#1853448 - Thursday 16 December 2010 14:25

Sauron > Voldemort

evry1luvspuns | 0

#3148597 - Saturday 20 August 2011 22:55

-sigh
crazy bitches these days

gators1995 | 30

#5572252 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 16:13

Bee-do Bee-do Bee-do

By BlackOpsFan | 3

#1848502 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:57

DAMN SON!!!

funktown | 2

#1849619 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:52

bitches..

angela3222 | 0

#1851707 - Thursday 16 December 2010 4:41

I love your picture!

By banana_buddy | 6

#1848508 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:58

Dawm that's one flaming pussy.

notagoodayforme | 0

#1852307 - Thursday 16 December 2010 8:18

fire crotch?

By dougierocks | 11

#1848516 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:59

Can you prove it? will you prosecute her? it'll keep her outta your hair for a while..

By Trace01m | 11

#1848522 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:00

Oh, hell, I would go ballistic!

It's straight up ass kicking time...

By BellaGoBoom | 6

#1848529 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:01

Ahahahaha
'Bitches be trippin'
Watch Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats' and look at the dude's truck at the end!

nancyfantastic | 3

#1848603 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:11

He broke up with her, doesn't mean he cheated. She could just be crazy.

v1kt4r | 13

#1848650 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:14

BITCHES BE LOCO!!!!

By EpicOrange | 0

#1848552 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:03

You deserve it for dating a crazy bitch.

By Hump_Zilla | 0

#1848557 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:05

prosecute her...sue...for value of car...if you just finished restoring it I'm sure you van het receipts to help fight your case

By lucywho26 | 0

#1848565 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:06

what kind of girl u were dating? gees

Zmeilerr | 22

#1848977 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:38

Obviously one with anger issues.