Today, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My ex-girlfriend, who...

By hotride - 15/12/2010 16:34

Today, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My ex-girlfriend, who I had broken up with the day before, had set my car on fire. I had just finished restoring it. I was going to insure it today. FML

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jd7546 tells us more :

I had just started restoring it when I got it, and nobody would insure it when I got it. it looked like a junkyard heap of shit, I just got it back the day before I broke up with her. still have the burnt up shell in my drive way that I have to dispose of :(

Transportation

Family values

Billy no-mates

Lockdown is driving us down

By Rojo - 14/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML

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2314

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By izzy46111 - 11/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

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38838

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By ugh - 5/3/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that we need a code word for when I'm being annoying. FML

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23038

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 06:00

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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1933

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By Jess-zee - 10/5/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close to $300 on her Mother's Day present. Later, my little brother drew her a card with crayons on pink construction paper. She cried. He is 20 years old. FML

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65545

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By Trey Deluna - 3/12/2010 17:12 - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By isuckatlyfe - 20/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

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By stupid!!! - 2/9/2020 19:58

Light bulb moment

Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML

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489

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By BookBabe - 25/3/2012 15:34 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 16:00

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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2281

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137

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By generic_name123 - 9/3/2015 13:55 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams' phone number. After texting her "Hey, is this Stephanie?" I got response saying "Sorry bro, I know how you feel, she did the same thing to me." FML

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By KeysToHappiness - 16/8/2015 12:39 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

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By ameliaruth09 - 22/1/2015 22:36 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By Kjer - 24/3/2013 00:38 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my family and I were visiting an aunt. While helping my aunt to set the table, my sister remarked that from behind I look exactly like her. I reflexively blurted out "well fuck you too". Very awkward silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By hes - 15/10/2013 10:10 - United States

Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML

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By ObviousBooty - 17/7/2016 07:31 - United States - Kankakee

Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

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26261

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By Awkward - 1/12/2012 22:11 - Bahrain

Today, while lighting a cigarette, I learned the hard way that the amount of styling mousse I used to get my curly hair to become manageable, is the roughly same amount that causes it to become highly flammable. FML

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By Giraafe - 9/5/2016 17:53 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I got grounded because I didn't send my aunt a Mother's Day present. Not only is she not married she doesn't have kids. FML

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15036

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By liz - 3/10/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

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30533

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By dwood08 - 7/11/2014 01:55 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML

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29949

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5074

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By Ahsan - 16/8/2019 01:02 - Pakistan - Multan

Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

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1357

You deserved it

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By messyfamily - 19/9/2010 07:31 - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

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31610

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By older - 10/6/2009 08:18 - United States

Today, I was walking downtown. I'm 57 years old, and I'm pretty well along in terms of hair loss. On top of that, I recently hurt my left leg and am walking with a crutch. I passed two teenagers, who were looking at me, and I overheard "Yeah, I agree. I'm much more scared of aging than death." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

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By KCHS - 11/12/2014 18:20 - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

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29948

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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By fruitoftheloom - 9/3/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

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37783

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 03:29 - Australia

Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

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By neverakid - 14/4/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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27959

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By WhyIHateTeachers - 25/6/2015 03:49 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

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By I hate my job - 8/6/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in and ordered a "Butterbeer Frappuccino." When I said we serve no such thing, she yelled at me for "lying" to her, saying she knew about our "secret menu." She ended up complaining to my manager and demanded that he fire me. FML

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56784

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By lauz - 3/10/2009 12:20 - Australia

Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always imagined it to be a romantic moment. It turned out that 'Saw 5' was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML

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21722

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By leftout - 13/5/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

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By really - 21/6/2012 05:30 - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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33648

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By hawkwardd - 12/9/2013 07:42 - Australia

Today, my workplace was having a "prices are down" promotion. I had to wear a badge that said, "Down and staying down" all day, opening myself up to a lot of weirdos winking at me or saying, "Oh yeah, I bet you are". FML

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By A. Person - 7/4/2010 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

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Top comments

By Hump_Zilla | 0

#1848557 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:05

prosecute her...sue...for value of car...if you just finished restoring it I'm sure you van het receipts to help fight your case

By dougierocks | 11

#1848516 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:59

Can you prove it? will you prosecute her? it'll keep her outta your hair for a while..

COMMENTS

By zinoxity | 23

#1848491 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:56

What the fuck??! Go burn her house down! :D What a furry night.

fakeaccountX | 6

#1848682 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:20

First your CAR, next is your HOUSE!
Move out of town before the bitch makes her next move!
Or better yet, just go torch her ass.

coderedz | 0

#1848899 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:25

bitch would die

green_eyes124 | 0

#1848931 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:32

Hmmm, wouldn't the day before 'today' be yesterday? Yeah, random I know, but hey, I'm tired *yawn*

Marvin_Android | 0

#1849129 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:26

Sounds frustrating.

All of your effort, for nothing. But that's just how all endeavors by all organisms are; you wind up dead and everything you've accomplished is destroyed. It's just so depressing, the pointlessness of it all.

I'm not bringing you down, am I? You've had a rough enough day.

Life. Don't talk to me about life.

mikemik22 | 0

#1849178 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:50

So how's life?

Selena_is_back | 7

#1849193 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 22:00

Life's such a bitch!

theannonymousone | 0

#1849262 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 22:23

LAWSUIT! Now!

Marvin_Android | 0

#1849387 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:04

58, it's dreadful. Wasn't I clear enough for your primitive Earth-monkey brain earlier?

59, yes. Awful, isn't it.

sparta98 | 4

#1849857 - Thursday 16 December 2010 0:41

"What happened?" "I explained my views of life to the ship" "And?" "She committed suicide..."

iliketurdles | 7

#1849878 - Thursday 16 December 2010 0:43

Is it me or does anyone think this Android needs to get laid?

Go call E.T to see if he wants to hook up or something?! Just a thought.

DocBastard | 38

#1850007 - Thursday 16 December 2010 1:22

It's just you, Turdles. Marvin is a character from a Douglas Adams series, and Marvin_Android plays the part perfectly.

mrsflinstone | 0

#1851004 - Thursday 16 December 2010 2:11

haha the crazy ex girlfriend.

alex1502 | 0

#1855901 - Friday 17 December 2010 6:08

#59, a bitch it is...

By DahkLohd | 4

#1848497 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:57

Wee-woo!

AchillesWing | 0

#1852359 - Thursday 16 December 2010 8:40

So is your mums, that's why she only gets anal.

Anaxes | 5

#1853448 - Thursday 16 December 2010 14:25

Sauron > Voldemort

evry1luvspuns | 0

#3148597 - Saturday 20 August 2011 22:55

-sigh
crazy bitches these days

gators1995 | 30

#5572252 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 16:13

Bee-do Bee-do Bee-do

By BlackOpsFan | 3

#1848502 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:57

DAMN SON!!!

funktown | 2

#1849619 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:52

bitches..

angela3222 | 0

#1851707 - Thursday 16 December 2010 4:41

I love your picture!

By banana_buddy | 6

#1848508 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:58

Dawm that's one flaming pussy.

notagoodayforme | 0

#1852307 - Thursday 16 December 2010 8:18

fire crotch?

By dougierocks | 11

#1848516 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:59

Can you prove it? will you prosecute her? it'll keep her outta your hair for a while..

By Trace01m | 11

#1848522 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:00

Oh, hell, I would go ballistic!

It's straight up ass kicking time...

By BellaGoBoom | 6

#1848529 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:01

Ahahahaha
'Bitches be trippin'
Watch Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats' and look at the dude's truck at the end!

nancyfantastic | 3

#1848603 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:11

He broke up with her, doesn't mean he cheated. She could just be crazy.

v1kt4r | 13

#1848650 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:14

BITCHES BE LOCO!!!!

By EpicOrange | 0

#1848552 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:03

You deserve it for dating a crazy bitch.

By Hump_Zilla | 0

#1848557 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:05

prosecute her...sue...for value of car...if you just finished restoring it I'm sure you van het receipts to help fight your case

By lucywho26 | 0

#1848565 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 19:06

what kind of girl u were dating? gees

Zmeilerr | 22

#1848977 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:38

Obviously one with anger issues.