Health: Today, I went to the gym for the first time. I was nervous about... - FML

By Embarrassed - 14/09/2018 00:00 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I went to the gym for the first time. I was nervous about using the showers because I'm embarrassed about my dick, but I felt better when I heard that guys don't check each other out in the shower. I was fine until 3 different guys talked about my junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 243

Our house, in the middle of our street

Own it

Compromises

By froyo - 26/02/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 490

You deserved it 4 371

By cakefete2 - 04/07/2014 17:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 221

You deserved it 3 944

By Danny - 12/09/2018 20:30

Today, after being together for 8 months, I learned that not only was my boyfriend a liar, but that he is also married and has been for 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 029

You deserved it 257

Still got game

By Anonymous - 27/09/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 311

You deserved it 2 129

By Anonymous - 08/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 888

You deserved it 4 124

Ghost Shoes

By Fuckedupmom - 23/08/2018 13:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 718

You deserved it 205

Logic

By tampon of doom - 27/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, I found out from a cousin why my older aunts treated me so differently when we were growing up. Apparently, my mom told them that when I was 14, I wanted to use tampons instead of pads. According to their backward, archaic logic that meant I was sexually active. No wonder they hated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 60

By zero_minded12 - 21/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 782

You deserved it 70 993

Not. Helping.

By It's-only15-lbs-extra - 14/12/2017 15:00

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 373

You deserved it 431

Internet doctor

By ThatYourDoctor - 25/08/2021 00:01

Today, a patient came to the ER at 4 a.m., but left complaining I wasn't treating him properly. I treated his toothache with painkillers that would get him through the night so he could contact a dentist the next day. He showed me a TikTok video of the tooth surgery that he supposedly needed instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 49

By sausages - 17/01/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 004

You deserved it 8 380

By Anonwymous - 18/10/2009 10:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 5 503

By neverhavingkids - 21/01/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 477

You deserved it 5 044

By Anonymous - 10/09/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 965

You deserved it 385

By notanightowlanymore - 05/01/2016 17:44 - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 240

You deserved it 2 115

By tryingtostealmyheart - 19/12/2015 07:12

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 087

You deserved it 1 638

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 913

You deserved it 5 489

By Darla - 05/10/2012 08:14 - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 684

You deserved it 12 894

Domestic bliss

By Good_old_Grim - 15/10/2009 13:51 - Latvia

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 676

You deserved it 2 807

The world is your oyster

By Anonymous - 22/04/2021 21:30

Today, the guy I really love, and who apparently loves me too, told me he just can’t be with me because he’s moving away to buy an oyster farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 74

By gengiskarn69 - 12/03/2012 14:55 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 951

You deserved it 38 561

I'm not a monster, I'm a human being

By Casey - 18/03/2021 11:01

Today, on vacation my wife asked if I wanted her to take my picture. I realized it was the first time in our 10 years she had asked me that question. Moments later I realized it's the first time in my life that anyone's ever asked me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 91

By Anonymous - 15/07/2013 06:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 405

You deserved it 3 927

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 08:36 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 027

You deserved it 8 328

By Anonymous - 28/07/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 324

You deserved it 6 066

By asdfasdf - 03/03/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 799

You deserved it 22 485

By lily - 18/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 175

By Ouch - 14/07/2009 02:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 431

You deserved it 15 458

By xerrika - 03/06/2014 11:56 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 691

You deserved it 8 905

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 468

You deserved it 3 557

By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Spicy

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 702

You deserved it 2 404

By gayvsgay - 06/03/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 757

You deserved it 1 809

The Lovecats

By Anonymous - 19/10/2021 05:00 - United States

Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 92

How not to raise them

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 14:00

Today, my son claimed credit for a money-saving scheme at work that belonged to a colleague. He claimed this to someone in very upper management, but when they tried to ask follow-up questions, he obviously had no idea how to answer, admitted his lie and was sacked on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 361

By gringa_Peru - 18/04/2009 01:19 - Peru

Spicy

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169 824

You deserved it 9 826

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 1 077

Haters Gonna Hate

By apparentlyweird - 28/08/2018 22:00

Today, my dad's new girlfriend's daughter came over with them. She had a tantrum because my brand new computer, which I worked and saved for, was better than her notebook, which was bought for her. So what did she do? Oh, she threw it off my desk. For some reason I'm being yelled at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 910

You deserved it 211

By fet - 23/08/2012 14:30 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I had to shave my feet in order to wear ballet flats. I'm not a hobbit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 153

You deserved it 3 437

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 08:00 - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 4 515

When pranks go wrong

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 08:01

Spicy

Today, as punishment for a prank, my girlfriend has banned all forms of sex, kissing or touching for the foreseeable future. She’s also started stripping as soon as she gets home and walking around in just her thong, or sometimes even completely naked, just to make my suffering worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 2 194

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Top comments

almost_there44 26

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:36

Did the gym not have private showers and was it too hard for you to cover up your privates?

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:52

I feel so sorry for you. All of us guys with huge cocks have to withstand the jealous barbs from the smaller dudes.

Comments

statikman619 14

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:07

Nervous eh? You rocking 2 inches?

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:14

That's creepy. Who looks at a stranger's wang without their permission?

The_candyman 13

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Friday 14 September 2018 16:04

better question who ask for permission

Send a private message

Wednesday 19 September 2018 5:21

I hear girls talk about there's with each other all the time

T1A2Z3 34

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Thursday 11 October 2018 9:10

What person shows a stranger their "wang"?

almost_there44 26

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:36

Did the gym not have private showers and was it too hard for you to cover up your privates?

Callyn 47

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Friday 14 September 2018 10:53

It's a gym. I've never seen one with private showers, they're still built with really old sensibilities in mind. No one used to care about naked people of the same gender.

almost_there44 26

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Friday 14 September 2018 15:22

I've never been to a gym that didn't have private showers. Whether in high school, college, or a gym like Planet Fitness or 24 Hour, there were always private gyms and private toilets. Maybe OP was walking around naked.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 14 September 2018 16:22

I know 24 Hour has individual shower stalls but other clubs and schools have open shower rooms. They’re quite awkward at first, but you eventually get over it.

WHSKitty4ever 23

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Monday 17 September 2018 15:24

I have been to one with a private shower

wanted_2_want 40

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:47

They’re probably gays. I mean what straight guy talks about someone’s else’s dick??

ChibiChibi_fml 27

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Friday 14 September 2018 19:02

Near as I can tell, most of them. I've never been around a group of men that didn't crack jokes about the size of their dicks and such. This seems to be doubly true in situations where the men actually know, for whatever reason, how big or small the others are.

Send a private message

Monday 17 September 2018 2:16

either a jealous guy or a jerk who thinks they're all hot stuff, and they think that their wanker is big, but sadly, their ego is also big.... in fact, too big

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 14 September 2018 6:52

I feel so sorry for you. All of us guys with huge cocks have to withstand the jealous barbs from the smaller dudes.

Dave_Davington 33

Send a private message

Friday 14 September 2018 8:22

We certainly do resent your three legged kind.

pjsr 32

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Friday 14 September 2018 15:51

Your screen name betrays you

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 14 September 2018 16:14

Have you ever seen those giant novelty pencils they sell at amusement parks and souvenir stores, heh-heh-heh?

Send a private message

Friday 14 September 2018 7:47

Hey man, dont you know? They can feel your embarassement. Act confident and everyone will be scared. If anyone tries peeking at you - JUMP RIGHT AT HIM and wiggle your dick, that'll show 'em!

nubs 22

Friday 14 September 2018 8:11

Seems like you left some impression 😂 must be some special junk when they talk it ...

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 14 September 2018 10:34

But it could be “special” as in “Special Olympics.”

real life problems 26

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Friday 14 September 2018 11:17

Only time guys would talk about another guys dick is if it's either really small or really big. 50/50 you should either be embarrassed or walk with a picture frame around it

Send a private message

Friday 14 September 2018 11:46

But you chose to write about it on the internet so that even more people would talk about your dingdong...

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Friday 14 September 2018 13:49

anonymous people on the internet is different than looking someone in the face as they laugh and make fun of you.

Madison Gliosci 16

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Friday 14 September 2018 15:46

Is it insanely large? Insanely small? Or oddly shaped?

Send a private message

Saturday 15 September 2018 7:42

That's what those guys said!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 295