Miscellaneous: Today, I went back to my friends place drunk. As we were walking... - FML

By ashlyrose45 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I went back to my friends place drunk. As we were walking in, she told me to be quiet, so as not to wake her parents and let them know we were drunk. I then walked in and looked at her parents, who were still awake watching TV, and said, "Shhh. Meg told me not to wake her parents." FML

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ashlyrose45 tells us more :

Didn't realize this got posted! But her parents knew we were out drinking so it wasn't a big deal :) it was just really late, like 3 or 4 in the morning, so she figured they'd be asleep. Felt pretty stupid when I woke up!

Out of it

Late term

Shark-infested offices

By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Not his SunShine anymore - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over something that happened 5 years ago. We've only been together for 2 years as of this July. FML

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By Broke Ass Hoe

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

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By Loverscry - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By WishIWasADogMinder - Australia

Today, while making less than minimum wage at McDonalds, I had to dispose of a grown man's soiled underwear that he left on the bathroom floor under a pile of toilet paper. It isn't even the grossest thing I've seen in my six months of employment. FML

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By fire starter - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By some_girl_19 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

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By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

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By pissedoffexgirlfriend

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

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By Clive81 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML

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By thathurt500x - 26/6/2020 20:08

You rang?

Today, my boyfriend's tooth got caught on my nipple ring and ripped it out. FML

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By unemployed - El Salvador - San Salvador

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get blood taken. The nurse mentioned how pronounced and easy to see my veins are. I guess that explains why she missed five times in a row. I'm surprised my arm doesn't look like a heroin addict's right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 13:59

Check these out, guys!

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

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By adults acting like children - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By Jlhfan90 - United States

Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML

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By LoveDrug - Ireland

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By Sarraahh - Canada

Mystery

Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

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By daenerys stromboli - Ireland - Navan

Today, my parents started fighting at a restaurant. Embarrassed, I went to the restroom to get away and stayed in there for about 15 minutes, knowing how long their fights can last. When I came back, they were gone. They'd ditched me, and left me to walk several miles back home. FML

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By PissOffPottermore - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

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By Getmeoutofhere - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 02:02

Best foot forward

Today, after a month of things going wrong in my life and finally getting better, I woke up refreshed and ready to face the day. Then, I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By Lara - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

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By BakedBat - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By konacoffee17 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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By movingbuddy - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of a year asked me to move in with him. I would have been touched at this gesture, had he not asked in the form of a text message, saying: "Got kicked out. Wanna get a flat or something?" FML

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By paulinapo - United States - Staten Island

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

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By lonelyandcold - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 14:02

Overbearing much?

Today, my mom caught me playing Mortal Kombat and had a fit about the violence, saying she read violent video games turn young people like me into mass murderers. I’m 29 years-old with my own flat and she still tries to treat me like a dumb impressionable teenager. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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Top comments

By chirstinap325 | 21

#7382609 - Monday 2 January 2017 1:04

Well, you didn't wake them so props to you for following instructions.

By KickAss73 | 12

#7383016 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 3:04

Funniest thing I've read all year. Lol

COMMENTS

By chirstinap325 | 21

#7382609 - Monday 2 January 2017 1:04

Well, you didn't wake them so props to you for following instructions.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#7382719 - Monday 2 January 2017 7:22

Yeah, that's what you really want in a great friend, one that can follow orders and have your six when in an altered state of reality.

By ilovesoccer1610 | 31

#7382617 - Monday 2 January 2017 1:24

The severity of this FML depends on how old you and your friend are

By karacakal2 | 30

#7382619 - Monday 2 January 2017 1:30

Hahaha. This made me laugh thank you. :D

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#7382630 - Monday 2 January 2017 1:51

So polite!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7382631 - Monday 2 January 2017 1:51

Shut up, Meg.

Reply

Jay18 | 22

#7382687 - Monday 2 January 2017 5:31

that's exactly what I thought

By Bazilzebub | 4

#7382639 - Monday 2 January 2017 2:14

Bravo

By NeonateNurse | 1

#7382644 - Monday 2 January 2017 2:29

on the bright side you didnt wake them up!

By xxDeeStar | 27

#7382645 - Monday 2 January 2017 2:34

Parents can usually figure it out, I mean they've used the same tricks in their times.

I hope they have a good sense of humour. Well... as long as you're not underage.

Reply

ashlyrose45 | 12

#7382656 - Monday 2 January 2017 3:17

Didn't realize this got posted! But her parents knew we were out drinking so it wasn't a big deal :) it was just really late, like 3 or 4 in the morning, so she figured they'd be asleep. Felt pretty stupid when I woke up!

Reply

xxDeeStar | 27

#7382717 - Monday 2 January 2017 7:17

Haha oh I see, then it definitely turned out well! XD
Don't feel stupid, it happens!
Happy New Year :)

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#7382720 - Monday 2 January 2017 7:24

That's a great story for the future, hopefully one you can look back on and laugh about.

By Jakuri | 12

#7382647 - Monday 2 January 2017 2:45

That is hilarious.

By thisguy22 | 33

#7382704 - Monday 2 January 2017 6:31

Shut up, Meg.

Reply

ashlyrose45 | 12

#7383844 - Thursday 5 January 2017 2:49

You have no idea how often i say this to her! She's the typical dumb blonde, for example one day we asked her what's on the Canadian flag (both of us born and raised in Canada I might add) her answer? "The pope?"