Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try... - FML

By smallpaycheck - 16/8/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240. FML

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By WolfsScar - 8/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Lincoln

Be careful, please!

Today, while I was telling a friend she needs to be more careful about getting hurt, I dislocated and sprained my thumb. She then laughed at me and said, "Yes, I will." FML

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By difference between birds and mammals. - 3/9/2012 00:10 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 05:41 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By Asterisk1009 - 29/6/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents that I'm gay. My mom said "Yeah, we know." When I asked how they knew, my dad, without looking up from the tv, said, "We've been monitoring your Internet history." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

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By jackson - 6/9/2010 17:02 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 06:31 - United States - Kokomo

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

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By blacklove - 12/2/2010 20:19 - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By lifesmells - 27/6/2009 00:29 - Canada

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By Mika_Ookami - 21/2/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

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By diamondsareforever - 18/7/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

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By cunting cuntface of a boss - 25/2/2014 20:42 - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

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By soundbox - 27/1/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

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By HousekeeperNoMore - 19/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, after being a stay-at-home mom and picking up after my kids for the past 15 years, I got a job rejection letter saying I wasn't qualified. It was a housekeeping position. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Yellow Springs

Today, my friend explained that his internship was clearly worse than mine because he got yelled at by clients. One of my clients ripped out my hair. FML

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By dumpedchick - 25/6/2009 02:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me. I was really depressed so a couple of my friends came over to take me out to a club to cheer me up. My ex was there, partying with his friends. He came up to me and my friends and asked my friend if she wanted to hang out sometime. She said yes. FML

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By A - 9/2/2012 06:37 - United States

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

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By no more mr nice guy - 27/12/2016 07:32

Today, my friend invited me, his girlfriend, and the girl I like over to his house to hang out. We hoped it would get me closer to my crush. The day ended with them having a threesome and me locked out. FML

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By failed_catgirl - 19/10/2010 23:24 - Canada

Meow meow

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 20:00

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

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By nacho - 24/1/2012 06:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML

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By sadsongstress - 12/8/2009 11:18 - Belgium

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

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By sasha625 - 22/12/2018 14:00

Today, I was running late for work. My windshield had completely frozen over. I didn’t have anything to dissolve the ice..except some coffee I had made 30 minutes earlier. I decided to dump my coffee on my windshield. Instead of dissolving the ice, the creamer froze on entire windshield. FML

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By 2classicNot2 - 9/4/2011 07:52 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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By John Doe - 7/1/2020 05:00

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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By wrongplacewrongtime - 22/2/2013 06:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

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By lalalohan - 17/4/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

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By emergency - 25/1/2010 13:32 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

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By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - 3/1/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By Interrupted - 27/11/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML

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By fuck em all - 27/9/2018 14:00

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 13:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

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By epicvixen - 15/3/2015 21:12 - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

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By bookworm - 19/11/2014 20:56 - United States - Victoria

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

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By Appelflap - 29/3/2013 22:18 - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

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By dork - 16/7/2009 20:32 - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

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By Pants-Girl - 24/11/2019 08:00 - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

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Top comments

By season4reason | 0

#490695 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:41

there's no way he can deduct the cost of the shoes from your salary.....there is no way you can be held accountable for theft unless you were letting him try the shoes on right next to the exit of the store or w/e but even then, theft of store items should be reported and should be covered by the stores insurance policy.....next time, dont wither so easily under your boss and stand up for yourself......

By nodbor | 11

#490656 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:18

when you are not at work,
get a friend to have the boss wait on him.
get the most expensive pair of shoes and run off with them on.

COMMENTS

By Decem_fml | 0

#490628 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

wbrycem | 0

#491532 - Sunday 16 August 2009 20:54

The ability to spell and the ability to type are two different things. I just thought you should know that, LaceyPatrickson.

Reply

fckinbowdown | 0

#1100641 - Saturday 17 July 2010 7:15

Fuck that man it's not your fault he stole it shouldn't be deducted from your pay. take it up with managment or higher ups if they don't help

By youreanidiot | 0

#490629 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:05

fake. why wouldn't the shoes have all the protective crap on them?

Reply

sailingtheseas | 0

#490632 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:07

He could've ran out with the protective stuff on it.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#490672 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:27

I've tried on shoes, even expensive ones that didn't have all the protective stuff on it. It all depends on where you shop really.

Reply

El_patron | 0

#1471941 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 5:39

haha looked like trouble? I guess he was black lol

Reply

CEiiLEiiGH | 7

#4369142 - Sunday 29 April 2012 14:23

How racist, rude, and stereotypical.^^

By Forever2204 | 0

#490630 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:05

well that sucks!

By iilovehaters | 0

#490631 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:06

its 3:06 am....fml

By teffyweffy | 6

#490639 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:09

suckksss

By nodbor | 11

#490656 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:18

when you are not at work,
get a friend to have the boss wait on him.
get the most expensive pair of shoes and run off with them on.

By lphchld | 0

#490669 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:26

Fake... it's against the law to do that.

Reply

Luckster | 0

#490699 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:42

It depends on where you work. Some states don't have laws about this, I'm sure. If someone stole an XBox 360 where I work, I can kiss my paycheck good bye until the following week.

Reply

jen11989 | 0

#490701 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:43

its also illegal to kill people.. but does that stop people from doing it?

didnt think so

By season4reason | 0

#490695 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:41

there's no way he can deduct the cost of the shoes from your salary.....there is no way you can be held accountable for theft unless you were letting him try the shoes on right next to the exit of the store or w/e but even then, theft of store items should be reported and should be covered by the stores insurance policy.....next time, dont wither so easily under your boss and stand up for yourself......

Reply

Weisenheimer | 0

#505944 - Saturday 22 August 2009 0:17

its 100% illegal to deduct money from you for this under federal and state law. call the department of labor and they will straighten it out.

By caancoha | 0

#490698 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:42

Oh, damn. I wouldn't have stolen them if I knew it would be taken from YOUR paycheck. Besides, the soles are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. Not worth 240. Hence why I was planning on returning them or buying them, but since it would have been a rip-off, I'm not. (;

By MadeOfAwesome | 1

#490722 - Sunday 16 August 2009 9:54

I second what nodbor said =D