Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got...

By Anonymous - 6/7/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Yappy neighborhood

Headache

By Anonymous - 28/5/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

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By prostitutes boyfriend - 21/10/2011 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

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By Nose bleed - 16/4/2014 02:48 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By hjgjh - 27/4/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

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By notadoorman - 25/7/2014 18:16 - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - 21/5/2011 21:16 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By FuckingDone - 20/5/2016 23:08 - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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By KBBL - 12/3/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By soonaked - 30/1/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 18:20 - United States - Fresno

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

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By car trouble - 14/10/2016 08:12 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my dad refused to pick me up because he didn't want to get off the couch, so I had to walk for an hour and a half to get home. When I finally got home, my dad had gone out to pick my sister up from her friend's house. Her friend lives a 3-minute walk away. FML

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By xOdaatx - 26/9/2011 13:01 - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

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By hannieannie - 12/7/2020 02:02

His type

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

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By Justin - 25/7/2020 20:00

Awwww, how sweet!

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

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By failuretolaunch2 - 26/2/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I am dating a puppy. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - 26/9/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By Ruby Lore - 20/7/2017 00:31

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2017 16:00

Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 19:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents don't like the fact that I go to a prestigious university. However, they're completely accepting of the drunken slob who's dating their daughter. FML

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By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By porkers gonna pork :\ - 12/3/2016 15:09 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

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By overreacting - 3/4/2015 06:08 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 22:15 - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

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By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By crash - 22/5/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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By aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss - 26/8/2015 13:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

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By Neutered - 27/11/2012 19:52 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

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By Randy - 13/9/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

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By Fml37 - 20/12/2009 05:13 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By funny? - 6/9/2016 04:43 - United States - Cupertino

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home I realized I'd put it in my other binder. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2011 02:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

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By outagrand - 1/8/2009 14:08 - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By quarterback - 23/1/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

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By epiiphany - 16/12/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By I'm so sorry... - 1/3/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

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By great idea - 11/4/2013 00:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

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By screwedhousemate - 28/3/2011 11:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7480436 - Thursday 6 July 2017 3:36

Did you say yes to the mess?

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7479875 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 21:55

Great proposal story though

COMMENTS

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7479875 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 21:55

Great proposal story though

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7480424 - Thursday 6 July 2017 2:15

Well at least this is a proposal story to remember and laugh about.
He should have found a safer spot to propose to you out of the waiters' and waitresses' line of sight though.

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7480882 - Thursday 6 July 2017 21:39

GlowWorm56: No, you WANT to be in the "line of sight" (being seen), but out of the way.... :-)

By RichardPencil | 28

#7480436 - Thursday 6 July 2017 3:36

Did you say yes to the mess?

IdrcxD | 8

#7480812 - Thursday 6 July 2017 20:03

I hope she did

By stephh_1 | 11

#7480439 - Thursday 6 July 2017 4:27

Congrats, at least you now have a memorable proposal?

By Etweens96 | 24

#7480457 - Thursday 6 July 2017 5:59

At least it's a funny story to tell your family and future generations! Otherwise congratulations!!!

By ed_1505 | 6

#7480485 - Thursday 6 July 2017 7:48

More like fuck his life. Can you imagine planning everything and then it getting ruined like that? I definitely feel more sorry for him

Cali | 54

#7480528 - Thursday 6 July 2017 10:49

Did you say yes? Did you stay to eat? Was the waiter ok? Is anyone suing / getting sued? So many questions... Must have a follow up!

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7480706 - Thursday 6 July 2017 17:23

Have a nice trip, see you next fall!

By Swedish_Eagle | 21

#7480817 - Thursday 6 July 2017 20:07

Oh my god! hope u did not make it worse for him by saying no!

By Paul Laurent | 15

#7480844 - Thursday 6 July 2017 20:46

not to mention the waiter...come to work, and probably during the busy dinner rush, some guy trips him and gets him written up. not bashing anyone, just wouldn't be surprised to see the waiters post on here, Lol.

By Chad D. Nelson | 8

#7480851 - Thursday 6 July 2017 21:05

WHAT DID YOU SAY?????