Love and Intimacy: Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked... - FML

By dereksboo44 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your ass hairs were so long before." FML

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Taking stock

Our house, in the middle of our street

I don't wanna

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

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By mikey - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

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By onebadwave - United States

Today, I thought it would be a smart idea to walk out on the pier while the waves were 6 feet tall. I was having fun getting "splashed" by the waves crashing over until one wave knocked me over and dragged me 20 feet across the hard concrete pier. FML

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By LD - United States - Nampa

Today, I witnessed my husband in the shower singing Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" to his penis while manscaping. I guess that's a bond we'll never have. FML

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By SquishFish

Big nope

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

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By Anon - United States - Middletown

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

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By anx133 - China

Today, a couple of mates and me have a reservation on this fancy restaurant to celebrate Chinese New Year. I found out that 80% of our money goes to the wine tasting event that they have, a free flow of gorgeous, decent wine all around. I'm allergic to fruit. I'll stick to my 20RMB water bottle. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

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By sadspinster

Single life

Today, I found out that both my younger sisters are bringing their boyfriends home for Christmas. The youngest is 25, and he's actually her fiancé. The other is 30, and she and her boyfriend have been living together for over a year. I'll be the 36-year-old spinster in the twin bed upstairs. FML

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By lolo - Israel - Ofaqim

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

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By mildlyconcussed - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canton

Today, I'm now able to put my acne cream on my face without having to look in the mirror, because I've memorized the crater and trench-filled war zone that is my acne-riddled face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was easter and I thought it might be fun to look for eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note saying 'maybe when you lose weight'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairview

Today, my kitten made it snow inside my house using a 12-pack of toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By erianne

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 05:01

Late bloomer

Today, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML

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By givingup - United States

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

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By Joanne - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By Lars - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML

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By SkottLong - United States - Logan

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

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By *sigh* - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

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By dearme - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valencia

It's not what you think!

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

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By TheStudentNurse

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

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By Embarresedguy - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

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By ConfusedGirl - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

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By shyshy96679 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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By brokeasscollegelife - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I biked to the store to buy a new lock, since biking is my only form of transportation. I left my bike unattended for the last time, only to come back with a new chain, but no bike. FML

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By tigger2013 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, my wife of 12 years informed me that the only sexual activity she is interested in is foreplay, and she absolutely doesn't want to go any further than that anymore. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Charlton

Today, for the third day in a row, I have been volunteered to kill and dispose of the bugs entering my apartment. I live with two "manly" men who can't use a flyswatter. FML

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By catbum - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By nekoneko - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7627393 - Thursday 26 April 2018 6:35

This is NOT an FML. This is how comfortable most people wish to be with their SO.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7627438 - Thursday 26 April 2018 10:43

Guess OP hasn't had it doggy-style for quite a while....

COMMENTS

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7627393 - Thursday 26 April 2018 6:35

This is NOT an FML. This is how comfortable most people wish to be with their SO.

Reply

loliloveoniichan | 12

#7628033 - Friday 27 April 2018 19:23

I wouldn't want, this is just too disgusting.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7627400 - Thursday 26 April 2018 7:23

Sounds like something my wife and I would say you each other. Entirely natural, even the long ass hair.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7627404 - Thursday 26 April 2018 7:53

Are you sure it’s not a spider caught in there?

By azouwa | 26

#7627405 - Thursday 26 April 2018 7:57

You should hand him some trimmers and say, "If you trim mine I'll trim yours."

By aruden | 25

#7627427 - Thursday 26 April 2018 9:45

Is he wrong though?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7627438 - Thursday 26 April 2018 10:43

Guess OP hasn't had it doggy-style for quite a while....

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7627488 - Thursday 26 April 2018 13:41

"Holy ass hairs, Batman!"

By Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7627497 - Thursday 26 April 2018 13:57

What a crack up!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7627539 - Thursday 26 April 2018 15:25

FYI ass hairs are there to reduce friction when you rub up against somebody else. Keep them, you wouldn't want chapped ass cheeks.

By Zekfen | 17

#7627565 - Thursday 26 April 2018 16:33

Was this before or after he tried to fart in the bathtub?