Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked... - FML

By dereksboo44 - 25/4/2018 23:00 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your ass hairs were so long before." FML

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Family values

KoBabe

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

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By O-|---<=~ - 18/10/2013 23:01 - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

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By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, my friends and I were hanging out when we thought it would be cool to set off a few fireworks. Nothing burns quite like the hair on the left side of your head. FML

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By Noname - 9/3/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By LetItRip - 12/7/2012 20:35 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

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By Lotje13 - 1/1/2012 00:19 - Hungary

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

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By both are dimwitted - 23/12/2014 18:32 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

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By Jesusman - 8/12/2018 14:00

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By Ashley - 14/10/2019 22:00

Fire…?

Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was looking at the skeleton of a human male that we have in out biology classroom. I picked up the hand to examine the bones in the finger, and had the sudden realization that this is the only time that I have held hands with a boy. I'm a junior in college. FML

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By Liah12 - 5/3/2016 13:52 - United States - Holt

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 12:30 - United States - Redding

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

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By gonesofast - 9/10/2014 17:53 - United States - Quincy

Today, as I was about to leave home for my first sweet taste of freedom at my new apartment, my car died. I'm stuck here for at least the weekend and can look forward to my mom driving me to work. Freedom. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting for my food at McDonald's. I watched the most obese, sweaty man sneeze into the chips, wipe his nose on his hand and use his hand to shovel chips into a bag. They were my chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 21:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

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By embarrassed2 - 24/1/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

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By jend - 23/5/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By 12345678910 - 18/8/2013 18:22 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

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By monster1109 - 10/8/2015 15:51 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I got into the shower with my glasses on by mistake. I spent 5 minutes convinced that the fog in my vision was me going blind. FML

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By mobster - 26/7/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

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By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By Tomtom - 17/11/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2018 13:30

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

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By TheDrugsAreStrongWithThisOne - 20/7/2015 08:21 - United States

Today, a customer wanted corporate's number because we aren't allowed to sell pies after midnight. After a drug-fuelled cuss-storm, she punched me in the face through the open window and peeled out of drive-thru like a bat out of hell. FML

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By - 6/12/2018 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

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By LucyLollipop - 3/1/2018 15:00

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 13:30

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

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By Sinnersinner - 21/9/2014 11:27 - United States - Ontario

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

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By Halloween Fail - 1/11/2014 03:59 - United States - Braidwood

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML

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By sadsadboy - 7/9/2015 21:20 - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By unlucky - 5/8/2009 16:29 - South Africa

Today, I was talking with a close friend (who is a virgin) about why he did not want to have sex with a prostitute. He told me that "It's not nice to know that the girl you are having sex with has slept with half the country", he then added "That is exactly why I would not have sex with you". FML

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By WolfsScar - 8/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Lincoln

Be careful, please!

Today, while I was telling a friend she needs to be more careful about getting hurt, I dislocated and sprained my thumb. She then laughed at me and said, "Yes, I will." FML

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By howtobesingle - 7/4/2016 02:45 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 07:57 - United States - Helena

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 05:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

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By neoteck - 8/1/2009 07:55 - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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Top comments

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7627393 - Thursday 26 April 2018 6:35

This is NOT an FML. This is how comfortable most people wish to be with their SO.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7627438 - Thursday 26 April 2018 10:43

Guess OP hasn't had it doggy-style for quite a while....

COMMENTS

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7627393 - Thursday 26 April 2018 6:35

This is NOT an FML. This is how comfortable most people wish to be with their SO.

Reply

loliloveoniichan | 12

#7628033 - Friday 27 April 2018 19:23

I wouldn't want, this is just too disgusting.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7627400 - Thursday 26 April 2018 7:23

Sounds like something my wife and I would say you each other. Entirely natural, even the long ass hair.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7627404 - Thursday 26 April 2018 7:53

Are you sure it’s not a spider caught in there?

By azouwa | 26

#7627405 - Thursday 26 April 2018 7:57

You should hand him some trimmers and say, "If you trim mine I'll trim yours."

By aruden | 25

#7627427 - Thursday 26 April 2018 9:45

Is he wrong though?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7627438 - Thursday 26 April 2018 10:43

Guess OP hasn't had it doggy-style for quite a while....

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7627488 - Thursday 26 April 2018 13:41

"Holy ass hairs, Batman!"

By Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7627497 - Thursday 26 April 2018 13:57

What a crack up!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7627539 - Thursday 26 April 2018 15:25

FYI ass hairs are there to reduce friction when you rub up against somebody else. Keep them, you wouldn't want chapped ass cheeks.

By Zekfen | 17

#7627565 - Thursday 26 April 2018 16:33

Was this before or after he tried to fart in the bathtub?