Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

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Family values

Big baby man

Oh, hai!

By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 22:33 - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

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By eggs - 28/2/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

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By bunintheoven - 23/10/2012 04:21 - United States - Seligman

Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2011 10:40 - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 16:06

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML

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By Host grandfather - 21/9/2018 06:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By jzappe - 11/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

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By dontrapeme - 26/9/2012 10:30 - United States

Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By XoxoChula - 22/3/2013 05:41 - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

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By ke - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

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By Drai Gray - 24/6/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By MynameisntToby - 10/12/2009 03:26 - United States

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

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By Pauline - 9/2/2016 21:35 - United States

Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

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By Mandy - 22/12/2014 21:36 - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By The gay child - 9/5/2018 19:00

Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML

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By PityKitty - 24/12/2013 16:53

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By bent & broken - 24/8/2018 16:30 - United States - Hot Springs Village

Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML

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By mjbx - 1/1/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

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By fucking_worthless_loser - 8/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

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By Oops - 13/9/2016 18:28 - United States - Portland

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 00:50 - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By disappointment son - 19/5/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 06:10 - Australia

Today, I was getting ready for a date, so to avoid stinky pits, I went to put some deodorant on. However, when I raised my arm to apply it, I almost sliced my hand off when I raised it right into the ceiling fan. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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By fuckit - 31/1/2013 20:27 - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was at the library studying. There was a really cute guy across the room. I decided to play it cool and walk his way and grab some water. Right as I walked by, my body decided to let out the loudest fart. He laughed. I kept walking and asked my friend to grab my books. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By Zanna - 23/3/2017 12:00

Today, a job candidate I was interviewing took a drink of water, and let it dribble down her chin and shirt while making fixed eye contact with me. FML

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By nevaagain - 19/8/2016 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By damngotkik - 20/12/2017 19:00

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to use an electric sander on my arm during our construction class. FML

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By Dooh - 17/1/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

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By Anon - 27/6/2018 20:30

Not the nuggets!

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

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By michael - 14/2/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By mike oxsmall - 16/6/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 19:13 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

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By Alyssa - 21/3/2012 01:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

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By lowlife123 - 1/5/2012 03:01 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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Top comments

By mich23 | 10

#85390 - Monday 6 April 2009 0:58

oh damn thats just wrong, your boss shoulda went and got if back

By SpunkT | 0

#85415 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:02

#2 ... a six year old? What the hell is wrong with you.

Poor kid.

Comments

By mich23 | 10

#85390 - Monday 6 April 2009 0:58

oh damn thats just wrong, your boss shoulda went and got if back

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1483206 - Friday 1 October 2010 23:52

haha I would feel terrible. I'd probably buy the kid some balloons myself

Reply

fooch | 0

#2565613 - Thursday 26 May 2011 4:47

this made me cry a little 

Reply

Spyingcheeseman | 8

#5867381 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:49

just deliver the real package, and come back to that room with your own gift

By MukyDaCookie | 0

#85403 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:01

If your a girl, just lift your shirt. He won't mind - assuming the patient is a he.

Reply

VolleyballSMASH | 1

#1224188 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 20:10

A six year old?

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1420755 - Saturday 18 September 2010 1:49

Moobs do tend to have hypnotic abilities that can compete with the ring of Sauron.

Reply

linddezzy | 0

#3148227 - Saturday 20 August 2011 21:31

Wtf, why would you do that to a 6 year old!? Not only is that morally wrong, but gross! 6 year olds believe in cooties, not boobies...

Reply

minichamp116 | 8

#3226258 - Saturday 3 September 2011 5:47

If YOU were smart, then you would have notice the Male symbol next to "Anonymous."
-__-

Reply

veggiebag | 3

#4713737 - Friday 20 July 2012 21:53

The patient was six........

Reply

skibutter | 1

#4929705 - Friday 14 September 2012 4:02

WTF HE IS 6!!!

Reply

seacadet | 18

#5251645 - Sunday 16 December 2012 6:45

*you're

Reply

zarosian | 17

#6020294 - Sunday 27 July 2014 3:05

Dumb ass

By mercedeslove | 0

#85413 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

darknut79 | 17

#1004721 - Monday 24 May 2010 2:22

But he's a hospital patient. There's another time for being cold and callous.

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1278096 - Saturday 21 August 2010 1:50

Yeah, I'd make the boss order more flowers, or buy more myself

Reply

linddezzy | 0

#3148243 - Saturday 20 August 2011 21:33

Oh yeah, its always great to take flowers and toys away from 6 year olds IN THE HOSPITAL!! your an ass...

Reply

ammerhammer | 3

#5480144 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:29

That's horrible!! I can only imagine what their i n the hospital for its bad enough for them already!!

Reply

Dawminator | 16

#6017158 - Thursday 24 July 2014 6:37

*in

Reply

fhfdd | 9

#6718495 - Friday 2 December 2016 14:45

He's 6 years old... he's probably learning his alphabets you think he's gonna know how the world works?

By SpunkT | 0

#85415 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:02

#2 ... a six year old? What the hell is wrong with you.

Poor kid.

Reply

StevoKing666 | 18

#6186546 - Thursday 29 January 2015 5:04

The OP got the wrong room number, they had no choice

Reply

DatBlueDerp | 13

#6584977 - Thursday 21 April 2016 4:57

They were speaking to someone who deleted their comment #171

By funplex | 0

#85417 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:03

Aww, who said they deserved it? Poor guy, it wasn't his fault.

By Serial | 2

#85418 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:03

bring her a real animal

By 14nickel | 0

#85421 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:03

2, wtf? fyl, fyl, fyl.

By MukyDaCookie | 0

#85428 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:05

#4, hes gotta learn sometime!
Didn't you see the FML about the swimming instructor who was felt up by a 6-year old?

By goodnesssss | 0

#85429 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:05

#3. the kid was in the hospital. i think it's okay if he/she doesn't learn a lesson from this. The kid has probably been through enough.

By jpelavin2626 | 0

#85449 - Monday 6 April 2009 1:11

aw, poor kid!