Today, I was at the orthodontist. As the lady was clipping my... - FML

By BracesSuck - 9/4/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I was at the orthodontist. As the lady was clipping my brackets, she missed and clipped my gums instead. She looked at me and said, "Oh sorry, you're bleeding really badly. See, I got these fake nails put on and I guess I'm just not used to them. Let me try again." She missed. FML

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Tense

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Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 04:00

Parked, indefinitely

Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

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By tryena - 28/2/2009 10:59 - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

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By poorbastard - 30/8/2014 08:35 - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

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By bodyelectric - 13/4/2009 12:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

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By Kimberlie - 15/3/2011 09:23 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

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By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML

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By Argh - 24/11/2018 03:00 - United States - Longview

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

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By Alfie4 - 5/3/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By ThanksMom - 8/7/2016 07:54 - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

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By anonymous - 6/9/2016 03:05 - United States - Monroe

Today, my girlfriend told me that she didn't know we were actually dating. FML

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By Musicfan - 12/8/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

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By vikingunicorn - 23/5/2010 05:47 - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

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By No Action Fighter - 22/8/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 20:00

After shower

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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By Screw My Parents - 22/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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By coffee_princess - 22/7/2010 23:14 - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By RebekahBrooke - 17/9/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I started my first day as a waitress. After getting my ass slapped, drinks and food spilled over me, and being tripped by a bratty kid, my tips were stolen. FML

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By scarredforlife - 16/8/2012 04:05 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By ozzy - 6/11/2016 09:18 - United States - Campbell

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

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By AudreyUs - 10/12/2008 19:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML

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By Sarsippius - 18/5/2013 05:22

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

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By firstdate - 24/1/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

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By catlover - 13/12/2012 11:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By Tp - 30/6/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - 10/12/2014 14:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By Susan - 23/8/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By Shelbs - 5/11/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2015 14:04 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

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By mick - 29/4/2018 19:00

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 18:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he may have an STD. When I asked who he was with before me, and where it might have come from, he listed off almost every single one of my friends. FML

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By vanorav - 18/3/2012 02:41 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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Top comments

By Uconnrunner | 0

#97097 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:24

You should probably sue that bitch

By babble | 0

#97098 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:25

I hate being "worked on" (dentist, physical therapist, etc.) by people who are incompetent or not careful.

COMMENTS

By f_this_noise | 0

#97093 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:24

OWWWW! FYL

Reply

nopeace4me | 0

#504174 - Friday 21 August 2009 7:37

That is what I fear most when going to the orthodontist for my braces. Now I feel a whole lot worse

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#981566 - Monday 19 April 2010 0:50

oh well get ovr it

By Uconnrunner | 0

#97097 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:24

You should probably sue that bitch

Reply

nopeace4me | 0

#504180 - Friday 21 August 2009 7:40

Omg! What did you do to her? That's what I fear most when it comes to someone working on my braces. I wouldn't her try again without taking those nails off!!

By babble | 0

#97098 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:25

I hate being "worked on" (dentist, physical therapist, etc.) by people who are incompetent or not careful.

Reply

yessiee123 | 0

#1005123 - Monday 24 May 2010 9:08

mee too

By mtlxpimp | 0

#97103 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:26

i would of slaped her right in the face

Reply

Infamous_Hawk | 6

#2980447 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 16:47

slapped*

Reply

mbusey | 20

#4747281 - Sunday 29 July 2012 13:14

Would have*

By AlexC_fml | 0

#97104 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:26

why the fuck did you let her try again?

By lnm701 | 0

#97115 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:30

My mouth hurts just reading this. I hope after the second time you wised up and asked for a different person to work on you.

By hockeygirrl18 | 0

#97120 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:31

ouch.
id hit her.
and she should get fired + she should have taken those damn nails off after the first time she effed up.

By McLaughlane | 0

#97125 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:32

I'd have told her to get her hands the fuck out of my mouth if I were you.

By resawins | 0

#97144 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:36

OWWWWWWWWWWIE!!!! i'd be fucking pissed! i hope you yelled at her and got someone else to finish. sorry dude!

By Adamantoise | 0

#97151 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:38

Bite her finger when she inspects your teeth? Or cough/spit in her face 'on accident'?

Even better, start drooling uncontrollably and make her clean it up.
That'll teach that bitch a lesson or two.