Miscellaneous: Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When...

By Anonymous - 29/04/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 482

You deserved it 18 467

Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Dementia or hate? You decide

Bum note

By friend - 29/06/2012 20:48 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 614

You deserved it 3 663

Nearly Halloween

By boo - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 748

You deserved it 6 350

By Aaron - 14/05/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 960

You deserved it 3 712

By Renesmeekuhnell - 28/02/2010 16:00 - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 136

You deserved it 2 968

By worldsmosthonestdad - 12/05/2017 14:00

Today, I got a call from my 8-year-old's 3rd grade teacher. Apparently a question went around class asking, "Why do you think you were put on this Earth?", and my son answered, "My dad says it's because I swam the fastest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 986

You deserved it 534

By geewhy - 26/12/2012 21:20 - United States - South Park

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he flicks my clitoris just right, my legs both twitch spastically regardless of arousal level. He thinks it's hilarious and can no longer take sex seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 587

You deserved it 5 409

By Anonymous - 28/07/2013 04:59 - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 902

You deserved it 29 928

Zoom this, bitches!

By badmom - 02/08/2020 02:02

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 244

Fake News

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 23:01

Today, I’m not sure what to call it, but I think I just got COVID-SWATted when a bunch of police turned up to my house after someone told them I was partying with over 50 people, breaking social distancing. In a one-bed flat, with barely enough room for 3 people to sit down at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 80

Let's go girls!

By Anonymous - 09/08/2020 23:01

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 134

Dogfished

By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 07:49 - United States

Today, I took my 13 year-old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 594

You deserved it 4 318

By anon mom - 12/05/2016 00:06 - United States - Manassas

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 658

You deserved it 953

By samsterling - 13/03/2016 22:30 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 298

You deserved it 4 160

By sadstorylifee - 26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 972

You deserved it 4 689

By Anonymous - 24/08/2016 12:16

Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 452

You deserved it 965

By hwood - 09/09/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 413

You deserved it 8 179

By HellisLikeTheDMV - 13/07/2012 15:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 657

You deserved it 27 193

By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 168

You deserved it 4 118

Kick the tragedy

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 18:01

Today, my boyfriend is pushing for sex even though I’ve just had spinal surgery, his reasoning being I only have to lie there, so it’s not like he’s asking me to move or actively participate. He basically wants me to ignore my pain and become a masturbation toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 122

By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 613

You deserved it 41 141

Womens' pockets liberation now!

By Anonymous - 06/06/2021 21:03 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I had to give in and order men's jeans, just so I could have functional pockets. Ordinarily not a problem, except I have wide hips and a suitable size doesn't seem to exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 99

By Anonymous - 17/06/2009 12:27 - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 200

You deserved it 7 238

By Hopeless - 12/07/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 463

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 01:39 - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 760

You deserved it 4 792

By birthday blues - 08/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 539

You deserved it 904

By anon - 05/09/2016 08:17 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 779

You deserved it 11 489

By Anonymous - 07/10/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 434

You deserved it 3 342

By mokki - 31/03/2015 12:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 206

You deserved it 3 505

By Ralph - 04/04/2012 03:02 - United States - Candler

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 163

You deserved it 13 272

By lilrudegirl - 22/06/2010 02:12 - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 242

You deserved it 3 300

By shroooms - 28/07/2011 20:37 - Slovenia

Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 653

You deserved it 3 061

By Anonymous - 02/12/2012 08:19 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my son turned 8. We watched as he unwrapped a $55 Nerf gun, extra 'bullets', new shoes and a school bag with his favorite TV character on the front and a action figure inside. As he finished he looked me straight in the eyes and says, "That's great ma, but seriously what'd you get me?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 697

You deserved it 12 043

By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 08:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 442

You deserved it 2 414

By NotSoAnon - 13/08/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 294

You deserved it 5 036

By Mark - 20/03/2017 08:00 - United States - Sparks

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 641

You deserved it 544

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 076

You deserved it 3 865

Thanks for your help, dude

By Anonymous - 27/04/2017 00:00 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, on a train to the airport, the ticket inspector pointed out that my girlfriend and I hadn't activated our tickets. He suggested one of us get off and activate them at the next station. Now I'm on the moving train with all our luggage, and she's waving from the platform with our tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 795

You deserved it 481

By Wrongtoilet - 12/07/2010 08:28 - Singapore

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 781

You deserved it 5 441

By smellsgood - 13/03/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 327

You deserved it 11 327

By Alice - 30/08/2015 12:13 - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 500

You deserved it 3 261

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Top comments

optimusprime0069 8

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:28

oh thats gotta "sting"!

largefoofighter 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:04

I hate bees I'd rather listen to Rebecca black..... nah I'll take the bees

xchica365x 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:26

ooo bummer

whitesox365 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:12

its not too much of a bummer at least op's room service is prompt and on time

06tc 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:38

atleast you didn't get robbed! or worse had a homeless man take over your house

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Friday 29 April 2011 10:10

that would "bee" terrible....

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Friday 29 April 2011 10:20

Lmao^^

ImThePope 2

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Friday 29 April 2011 11:12

Oh lord, the bee puns are to much to handle. I can't think of anything D: I'm so dumb.

atthegates 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 19:23

jes sip on de rum mon...no worries

Tabz68 0

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Saturday 30 April 2011 23:15

WU-TANG KILLA BEEZ! WE ON A SWARM!

optimusprime0069 8

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:28

oh thats gotta "sting"!

chadcat 1

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:33

^Lolol.

sterlingarcher 1

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:36

hahaha win

alex1432 9

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:54

11 your hair color is crazy! I like it

largefoofighter 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:04

I hate bees I'd rather listen to Rebecca black..... nah I'll take the bees

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:19

11 - I like your hair. I'm surprised your parents let you get all those piercings since you're 14 though....

Kawboy 1

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:46

#2 It only stings when gotten stung

Sirin_fml 46

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Friday 29 April 2011 20:31

Nice hair dye, QI. The neon pink is rockin'.

bunbun1116 2

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Friday 29 April 2011 22:42

lol nice pun

Uncle_Moe_Lester 3

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Friday 29 April 2011 22:43

lol one moderator says not to do something then another does it I'm confused

Sirin_fml 46

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Friday 29 April 2011 22:48

No, he's right. If anyone wants to chat or get an internet girlfriend, they should do it via PMs and not here, or else we'll ship them to Siberia.

YacL 15

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:28

I hate bees! FYL

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Friday 29 April 2011 10:17

Eeeeee!!!! A beeeee!!!!

LoonyKev 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:28

free honey at ur doorknob ?? (looking at the bright side)

diabian 9

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:30

exactly Mr. cup half full :)

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:27

oh my god...your pic...D:!!

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Friday 29 April 2011 10:14

39: I know right?! It's absolutely horrific and strange... Plus I HATE feet.

LoonyKev 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 22:27

wahaha

foxyrambo 3

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:29

bet you'll never forget to check the windows next time.

massivepoopies87 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:30

Free honey?

borkchop1992 15

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:30

uh oh bed intruder

MakeAScene 4

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Friday 29 April 2011 10:54

I'm laughing at this more than I should.

DarkHelmet 10

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Friday 29 April 2011 21:11

hide ya kids hide ya wife

PurpleMonkeysFor 0

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Saturday 30 April 2011 1:44

and hide yo' husband, 'cause he's raping err'body out there.

yohooooooo 5

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Saturday 30 April 2011 3:41

you don't to come and confess we lookin fo' you. We gone find youuu

doom2 8

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:32

sad day, Op! well, at least you (hopefully) had fun on your trip before the incident!

yohooooooo 5

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:46

he must have had fun cause he was Hedonism Rippin and Tearin.

yohooooooo 5

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:52

was at*

Qandol 26

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:57

That's a winner right there.

kag_eAkuma 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:15

I bet he would like to go back on that vacation again. lol

monzach 5

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:32

sounds like you'll be one busy bee getting that problem fixed

nate_msm 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:34

fail

stroudie94 9

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Friday 29 April 2011 8:34

Welcome back and be careful.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 148

You deserved it 65

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 42

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