Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up... - FML

By dragonstooth257 - 21/6/2019 06:14

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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Dangling modifier

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Long story short

By g_unit - 10/12/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

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By fatgirl4 - 20/7/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By Mexican - 19/6/2016 03:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 15:15 - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By Blie - 4/9/2018 20:30

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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By heaventlyassbutt - 30/11/2016 12:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

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By caughttt - 10/2/2010 02:52 - United States

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

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By Ashleigh - 2/3/2012 22:53 - Australia

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

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By fishyrael - 30/10/2019 20:00

The Rainbow Bridge

Today, at my job at a pet store, my boss told me to go outside and hand out flyers. I saw a man sitting on a bench and walked up, saying, "Hi! Do you have a pet?" He teared up and said, "I just put her down this morning." FML

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By mycar - 20/8/2013 17:40 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

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By neversayhiagain - 10/2/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

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By dom - 8/9/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

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By whatgoesaround - 15/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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By SpikeStanley - 20/10/2011 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML

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By joolsie - 13/4/2012 13:11 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

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By HF44 - 29/7/2015 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

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By - 23/2/2020 01:00

Very good remedy

Today, after suffering with anxiety and insomnia for a nearly a year and exhausting every natural remedy, I could think of, I finally decided to go to a Dr. for help. Instead of writing me a prescription, he told me to drink more teas and think happy thoughts. I had to pay out of pocket for this. FML

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By figcurzyez - 23/5/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By Dan1021 - 4/2/2012 19:31 - France

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Alice - 30/8/2015 12:13 - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

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By budapesthungary - 21/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

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By Shocked - 28/1/2018 19:00

Why hello there...

Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML

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By ScarredDaughter - 29/3/2016 05:01 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

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By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2014 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2016 00:18 - Canada - Maple

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

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By crimsoncon - 25/11/2011 10:24

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By owwwwwe - 9/1/2012 21:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

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By NoValentine - 14/2/2009 22:49 - United States

Today, I realized the reason I was asked to babysit 3 weeks ago for Feb 14 was because the old married couple with kids safely assumed that I wouldn't have a Valentine. FML

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By Nothanks - 6/6/2016 02:43

Today, at the healthy age of 26, I broke my hip during sex. FML

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By ew - 12/4/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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By - 22/3/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By fuq - 22/5/2012 18:42 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 04:35 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By bubblensuds1 - 28/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 03:30

Today, I woke up to my disabled mother screaming for me. Fearing the worst, I hopped out of bed only to find that she was yelling because her cat had brought a field mouse inside as a gift. The problem? It was still alive. I had to get it from him and throw it outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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Top comments

By WeirdUS | 29

#7814229 - Saturday 22 June 2019 3:03

Seriously how socially awkward do you have to be to screw up with in a two minute phone call? It’s time to seriously reconsider things and looking into getting help

By RichardPencil | 28

#7813961 - Friday 21 June 2019 7:07

Sounds like a...shitty situation!

Don’t feel too bad — at least you didn’t weird me out enough to prevent me making a comment. Hope you liked that gem!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7813961 - Friday 21 June 2019 7:07

Sounds like a...shitty situation!

Don’t feel too bad — at least you didn’t weird me out enough to prevent me making a comment. Hope you liked that gem!

By NPDclusterBaware | 8

#7814023 - Friday 21 June 2019 10:49

Been there... Sucks

By WeirdUS | 29

#7814229 - Saturday 22 June 2019 3:03

Seriously how socially awkward do you have to be to screw up with in a two minute phone call? It’s time to seriously reconsider things and looking into getting help