Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because... - FML

By anonymous - 25/11/2015 02:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 175

You deserved it 1 509

Stop talking!

Sorry…

Vulture

By ivyleaguebabe - 03/06/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 731

You deserved it 59 876

By ShittyWalls - 09/03/2013 13:35 - United States - Moorestown

Spicy

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 692

You deserved it 16 920

By Anonymous - 17/03/2013 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 792

You deserved it 2 932

By stabbed with kindness - 02/03/2013 21:44 - Russian Federation - Elektrostal

Today, on the way home, a guy yelled "Hey, YOU!" from behind me, so I walked faster. He ran up to me, shouting, "I said stop, asshole!" I almost pissed myself in fear, thinking I was being mugged. Turns out I'd left my wallet at the grocery store, and he was just trying to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 482

You deserved it 45 112

Comeback

By Pinsky - 20/09/2021 01:00 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, I walked in on the guy I called a cuck in high school going down on my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 1 620

Young love

By loser - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, "Great. Don't ruin it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 005

You deserved it 3 352

By JoannaG25 - 17/08/2010 11:43 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 581

You deserved it 3 970

Sucker

By Brenden - 25/01/2021 13:59

Spicy

Today, my ex-girlfriend called me say she needed her car repaired. I fixed it as fast as I could so she could get back on her way, only to find out she’s on her way to my friend's place to have her guts rearranged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 622

By thanksbabe - 12/01/2013 06:32 - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 014

You deserved it 8 558

By waterdog - 18/04/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 525

You deserved it 4 336

By Oops - 25/02/2017 00:00 - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 665

You deserved it 1 445

Seasons greetings to you too

By leanne - 16/12/2020 17:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I said hi to my coworker and she immediately yelled, "Get your gross unwashed hands out of my face!" I wash my hands compulsively and they were nowhere near her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 69

By krt - 03/10/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 034

You deserved it 7 771

By Paicked - 25/01/2012 12:33 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 315

You deserved it 17 632

By TiredMommy - 20/04/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 502

You deserved it 425

By 2ndplacechamp - 01/06/2011 05:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 487

You deserved it 9 433

By crazyautio - 16/07/2012 04:08 - United States

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 743

You deserved it 2 925

By notsobig - 29/01/2013 22:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 605

You deserved it 40 821

By nosleep - 30/06/2017 16:46

Today, like every other day since I moved into this apartment a year ago, the construction crew started their noisy work at 5:30 in the morning. When I moved in I was promised it was a quiet neighborhood; only offices. What have they been building in the meantime? Three nightclubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 506

You deserved it 257

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 30/07/2020 17:01

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 130

Unfair

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 11:01

Today, I refused to manually count $64 in pennies from a customer, because I would hold up the line and I was one of three registers open. In fact, I advised her to use the Coinstar machine in the lobby. She refused, threw a fit and demanded my manager for being “incompetent”. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 308

By brokebihhhh - 02/01/2017 09:22 - United States

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 877

You deserved it 628

By Bobsaget00 - 04/08/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 829

You deserved it 50 481

By KD - 04/01/2015 21:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 576

You deserved it 3 956

By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 689

You deserved it 8 636

By Xandriajoy10 - 08/03/2016 11:56 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 557

You deserved it 1 558

By anon - 30/08/2016 18:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long, heartfelt message this morning. Her response? "What do you need? Or is this even really you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 891

You deserved it 2 309

By Anonymous - 05/09/2014 21:37 - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 942

You deserved it 41 484

By ehxtraordinarily pissed - 13/12/2014 18:36 - United States - Coweta

Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 913

You deserved it 3 374

By quadropheniac - 09/06/2009 16:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128 271

You deserved it 8 076

By ooops - 04/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 576

You deserved it 7 257

By bewitched and bothered - 02/02/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 424

You deserved it 2 596

By horsefuck - 07/08/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 438

You deserved it 6 831

By adsfkerfmpo - 30/07/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I made a date to try to save our relationship. I sat in his room for hours while he watched YouTube videos of World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 533

You deserved it 7 891

By cuntsmom - 24/09/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 471

You deserved it 3 438

By Anonymous - 10/09/2011 06:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 293

You deserved it 274 844

Nerves of steel

By EdibleCape - 28/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broken up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 292

By musicman2005 - 30/03/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 896

You deserved it 64 371

By Anonymous - 14/07/2015 17:00 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 745

You deserved it 1 730

Check your head

By Anonymous - 21/03/2020 21:00

Today, while watching a movie on my iPad, a really cute girl sat next to me. Suddenly, everyone on the bus started clapping. I started to clap very loudly as well, asking the girl why we were clapping. She gave me a strange look. I then realized the applause was coming from my headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 2 105

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:07

Be more considerate. You don't need to eat, just live off the air you breathe. YDI.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:16

Unless you're baking at 2 am with chainsaws and a nail gun, that's unwarranted.

Comments

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:06

Just bang back. That's what I do

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 16:10

And bang louder and longer. She'll stop.

oiler 21

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 21:35

should make a cool rythm of it

MariaGiovanni 25

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 23:07

She might call the cops and cause OP a huge problem. It sound slide they live in apartments to she could report it to the apartment manager and if that doesn't work record it and call the cops to have it documented then complain again to management. First rule of any adult conflict is document everything.

NoOrdinaryNZer 28

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:07

Damn seems like a great time to move elsewhere. Although I'm assuming you or her are new to the place. Sorry to hear op.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 12:47

I'm assuming OP would much rather just resolve this issue than have to move and alter their lives due to a silly problem.

NoOrdinaryNZer 28

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Thursday 26 November 2015 1:59

Well if op has the problem with one person, it'll be the same with any new neighbors

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Thursday 26 November 2015 4:04

#60 most people understand that others must cook and clean, and don't make a fuss about it. So, I disagree.

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Thursday 26 November 2015 5:29

Why did this get so much dislikes? sure it's a little extreme but it was a idea or a suggestion

fifi125 21

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:07

Be more considerate. You don't need to eat, just live off the air you breathe. YDI.

Lalala579121 27

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 13:24

Yeah I agree. OP should just stop being a brat and learn photosynthesis. It's not that difficult.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 14:35

Osmosis: also very quiet.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 19:44

You can just filter feed! *starts taking deep breaths*

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 21:19

Next thing you know, the neighbor will be banging for "breathing too loud"

Rawrshi 25

Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:08

Just blast music. Then she won't hear you cooking or cleaning. I recommend heavy death metal just to be sure. c:

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 20:02

That's better than mine, telling her to go around, and that there's no door on this side. or shout in response "Come in!"

NYGiants1925 22

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Thursday 26 November 2015 20:44

That sounds like something I'd do lol

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:10

Sounds like you need to give your neighbor an early Christmas gift so you don't starve. Earplugs with a note saying you have a matching pair so you don't have to listen to her banging on the wall all the time.

restinpepperonis 13

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:10

You should randomly bang the wall and tell them to shut up continuously

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 18:00

Bang on the door like Sheldon cooper, and if no one answers just keep doing it. Hahahaha

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:16

Unless you're baking at 2 am with chainsaws and a nail gun, that's unwarranted.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:55

I don't know how you bake, but chainsaws are kind of needed.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:58

I've used an electric saw and drill before while baking--and it wasn't to build a cake stand.

OysterPearls 33

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:21

She deserves to get Chopped for turning your house into Hell's Kitchen.

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 12:58

I see what you did there...

MonstreBelle 28

Wednesday 25 November 2015 14:35

I hope this Kitchen Nightmare ends soon for OP

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:28

Go have a talk with her. If that doesn't work, go to the manager/landlord. Then if she is relentless, just turn up some music to drown her out and take care of yourself. Eventually she'll get the point.

Mpii 11

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 11:30

YDI OP. People need to be able to live in absolute silence. You should be ashamed of your self for making so much noise! You should maybe eat your filth. That way you neither have to cook nor cleat.

AgentSkyeBarnes 16

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Wednesday 25 November 2015 17:27

#36 says the person who failed to recognize sarcasm

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 36

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 25