Taking Turns

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

Social distancing gone wrong

Bad guy (duh)

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 19:16

48261

3666

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

By OweLotsaMoney - 5/9/2013 15:49 - United States

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Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

By Bree - 22/10/2011 23:16 - United States

40270

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Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

By veethebee - 8/5/2019 01:00

1843

109

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

By lovingpsychosis - 26/5/2011 07:53 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

By xRyu - 9/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

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Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 20:48 - United States - Charlotte

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Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

27655

2401

Today, I had been planning a family trip for months. My father had all his bags packed, ready to go in the car. He had my grandmother's ashes in his suitcase, and planned to spread them on a mountain. This morning our car was broken into and everything was stolen. The thief stole my grandma. FML

By noyodel - 4/7/2009 04:04 - Italy

63312

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from her study abroad a week ago. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 02:09 - United States

37841

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Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2013 18:15 - Norway - Ytre Arna

41093

2983

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

By thewrittenrebel - 28/10/2014 07:40 - South Africa - Bellville

36272

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Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 16:36 - Finland - Vammala

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Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

By bouda - 15/5/2011 18:19 - France

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Today, my AP government teacher moved our seats and of course, I was seated next to my ex who has harassed me ever since our breakup. When I asked the teacher after class if I could please have a seat change, she told me I would have to write a 3-page essay on why I made the request. FML

By maxthomkell - 25/5/2016 03:51 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

By Kwalker3 - 6/5/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

36245

4111

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

By Jen - 26/11/2018 07:30 - United States - Philadelphia

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251

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

By disaster... - 20/5/2009 23:44 - United States

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Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

By me - 14/6/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

49815

4620

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

By Hooty - 2/9/2015 21:52 - United States - Groveton

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Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

By notcool - 15/9/2009 19:45 - United States

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Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

By David Wicker - 9/9/2020 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

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204

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

By youdontknowmewhy - 29/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Keller

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Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML

By jfranklin - 18/10/2010 01:39 - United States

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50111

Today, my little sister got into my anime DVDs, probably thinking they were cartoons. She watched High School DXD, which isn't the best anime for a 6-year-old. Now she wants to be the Breast Dragon Emperor for Halloween and Dad is threatening to set fire to my entire collection. FML

By Juggernaut Drive - 31/10/2018 05:00

2537

1338

Today, I had a 10-hour shift that started at 5 a.m. We can't leave until relief comes and we don't get paid for overtime if our relief is late. The good news is my relief came early. The bad news is he went on a smoke break and never came back. They want me to stay until we close and I'm the only cashier. FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2016 14:47

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Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

By gl0b3suck0r - 8/5/2012 16:41 - Ireland - Dublin

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Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

By zain - 4/6/2011 06:15 - United States

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Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:28

88850

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Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

By LosTits - 3/9/2009 17:38 - United States

53650

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Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

By - 2/1/2009 04:34 - France

7057

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Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

By fluent in two, unlike you - 25/3/2014 18:42 - Mexico

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Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

By kiwi2323 - 26/9/2012 01:48 - United States

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Today, and for months now, the meds that stop me from killing myself have killed my sex drive. My boyfriend, being stressed at work, initially assured me that his was also non existent and not to worry. I found out he's been wanking every day and hiding it from me so I don't feel bad. Now I know, I feel fucking awful. FML

By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 16:00

Drives

2138

504

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

By insomnitude - 5/3/2011 06:55 - United States

41690

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Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

By TeddyBearKiller - 7/10/2013 01:11 - United States

47550

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Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML

By - 18/1/2017 20:00

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Today, I was going shopping with a friend. I got up to get off the train and landed on my ass. Not only had I walked into the metal bar, I'd broken my $800 glasses, and the train doors had closed, with my friend on the other side of the doors. FML

By b. - 24/9/2009 10:06 - Australia

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Today, I finished a dance competition. With competitions, it requires you to wear a lot of makeup like false eyelashes and red lipstick. I went into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a boy around 18 asked me, in all seriousness, what my rate is for one night. FML

By dancer, not a hooker... - 5/5/2013 05:01 - Canada - Penticton

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Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

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