Taking Turns

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

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By sarah - 14/7/2010 04:32 - United States

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Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

By coughandcold - 27/3/2009 01:45 - United States

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Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

By loving grandaughter - 27/11/2010 11:28 - United States

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Today, I was having lunch with my mom before an important job interview. She commented than my lips looked dry and crackly and gave me her chapstick with aloe to put on. Apparently I'm allergic to aloe and my lips got so swollen I could hardly talk. It was too late to reschedule the interview. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 09:28 - United States

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Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

By EyeSeeYou - 2/5/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

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Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 10:29 - France - Paris

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Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 23:44 - United States - Saint Paul

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Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

By mew - 25/10/2011 18:04 - Canada

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Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 22:02 - United States

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Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 22:25 - United States - Statham

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Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 01:52 - United States

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Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2014 23:06 - United States - Horseheads

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Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

By sleepless - 20/6/2009 05:28 - United States

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Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

By theuglyfriend - 17/7/2012 06:09 - United States - Riverbank

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Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding". This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

By -__- - 28/10/2011 11:50 - Australia

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Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

By khaoslife - 18/4/2015 03:15 - United States - Louisville

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Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 16:42 - United States - Flushing

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Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML

By LocallyBrewed - 27/2/2015 04:11 - United States

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Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

By Zinfandel - 7/8/2010 06:04 - United States

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Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

By useless pos - 1/3/2013 00:48 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I was talking to my parents, when all of a sudden my dad starts freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is, he was dead serious the whole time. FML

By allergyface - 16/12/2009 03:34 - Canada

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Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

By ForeverAlone - 20/5/2013 04:47 - United States

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Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 01:22 - United States

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Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

By . - 5/8/2016 16:57 - Germany - Neuwied

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Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

By Anonymous - 30/6/2016 20:42 - United States - Milwaukee

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Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

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Today, I found out my friend swapped my girlfriend and probation officer's numbers in my phone. My girlfriend is wondering why I asked her permission to leave the country, and my probation officer said she can't wait to see me again. FML

By Anonymous - 2/9/2012 17:34 - United States - Reston

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Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 14:21 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

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Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

By howprofessional - 6/9/2013 21:23 - United States - Dearborn

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Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

By lopsided - 14/12/2014 07:56 - United States - Gainesville

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Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

By hastobeajoke - 31/1/2012 18:45 - United States

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Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

By ChocoMilkManG - 3/7/2009 01:37 - United States

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Today, I found the iPod touch that my mother claimed was stolen at the mall a few years ago, lying on her bed, still logged in to her Facebook. Thanks, mom. FML

By d4rkxf0x - 22/7/2014 15:54 - United States - Lindale

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Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

By onwardsandupwards - 21/1/2020 14:00

Need help

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Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

By thats what my ipod is for - 26/4/2013 17:34 - United States

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Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

By humiliated - 26/2/2010 10:21 - United States

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Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I wanted to surprise him, so I went up behind him and started kissing his neck. He seemed to love it, and so did I, until I noticed it wasn't my husband. FML

By vhtdgjj - 29/11/2010 18:26 - United States

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Today, I was notified I'm being discharged after 2 weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in 6 years. FML

By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 18:29 - United States - Newark

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Today, my boyfriend found some noise-canceling headphones that he forgot he had. Once he adjusted them and put them on, he sat down and asked me to tell him about my day. FML

By Tree - 2/2/2018 19:00

So clever. Wow.

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