Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present,...

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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Work

Family values

You can't win sometimes

Caught red-handed

By ehwat - 26/11/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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By Alwayshappens2me - 17/7/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

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By hatemylife - 19/7/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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By Spooderman - 4/2/2016 02:04 - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

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By Sh.H - 23/2/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, before a big formal banquet, I went tanning because I wanted to look good in my cocktail dress. I got out of the tanning bed only to realize that I had left my socks on. FML

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By me - 7/9/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

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By sarahfromthesouth - 8/6/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

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By KayEffEh - 17/9/2014 21:22 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 22:42 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By - 22/5/2019 02:04

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

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By inchetogb - 15/1/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

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By MikeA - 9/6/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By sadguyme - 22/10/2012 07:31 - United States - Turlock

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

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By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

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By clitty clitty bang bang - 13/4/2012 22:40 - United States - Brownsville

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

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By Tom_why - 23/5/2009 19:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping some mental health patients at work, I spent 20 mins to fail to connect the DVD player to the TV and went back to make them something to eat. I came back into the room after 5 mins and one of the patients had connected it for himself. He has a profound learning disability. FML

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By stinker - 22/2/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

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By FlorenceD - 12/8/2012 04:34 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was walking up some stairs and heard a noise as if someone was following me. The faster I went, the louder the noise got. I was too scared to realize that it was just my thighs causing my jeans to chafe. FML

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By oralMistake - 26/10/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

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By weave9z - 4/9/2012 02:08 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

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By MrDisgrace - 17/9/2017 13:00

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

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By grossedout - 22/5/2015 15:02 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

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By Username - 1/6/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

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By lifestinks - 5/4/2009 04:17 - Canada

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

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By jamienicole1993 - 5/2/2015 01:21 - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

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By cartrouble - 2/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By AlwaysAwkward - 3/3/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By disheshateme - 18/11/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, it was my turn to do the suite's dishes. I was in the process of drying my roommate's coffee mug when the handle suddenly snapped off and the sharp edge left on the mug scraped down my arm. I now have a 3-inch long gash in my arm. I was attacked by a cheap coffee mug. FML

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By kfenton - 29/9/2012 11:16 - United States

Today, I found out that guys will only flirt with me when they're drunk, and even then only when they realize that my best friend is out of their league. FML

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By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

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By socreepedouticanteven - 27/10/2014 00:05 - United States - Procious

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

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By Ophelia - 22/11/2012 05:44 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 23:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

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By justplaindumb - 4/8/2016 00:48 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

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By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By Welp - 3/7/2016 12:39 - Romania

Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML

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Top comments

By emilyjgraham | 34

#5490391 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:33

This doesn't go for all managerial positions, but I'm sure some managers like to assert their authority for no particular reason! He sounds like an ass!

By Zebediabolical | 37

#5490398 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:36

Did anyone else get him anything? Or was it just you? Around my place of business, office birthday parties are a card an cake event. No real presents.

But he still sounds like a dick to me.

Comments

By emilyjgraham | 34

#5490391 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:33

This doesn't go for all managerial positions, but I'm sure some managers like to assert their authority for no particular reason! He sounds like an ass!

evilscorpi | 29

#5490500 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 0:43

for being ungrateful I probably would have taken it back

tjv3 | 10

#5490534 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:16

I bet he is related to my boss. What an ass

Really_SIGH | 7

#5490541 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:18

I feel that ,in this case, the manager is either just an ass, or pissed op didn't make a special b-day drop off. Just my opinion.

By Zebediabolical | 37

#5490398 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:36

Did anyone else get him anything? Or was it just you? Around my place of business, office birthday parties are a card an cake event. No real presents.

But he still sounds like a dick to me.

By Tika876 | 18

#5490399 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:37

Seems no good deed goes unpunished.

By chocolateisyum | 12

#5490401 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:38

Well someone's a dick who likes to show their power around the office

By Razinbow | 8

#5490406 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:40

Or a simple thank you would have sufficed....what a buttmunch.

By Catkam623 | 27

#5490411 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:42

What's wrong with humanity can no one give a gift anymore... Unless you were trying to bribe him.

By narkill | 13

#5490412 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:43

Well... How much was the giftcard for?

By jackaced | 7

#5490416 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:44

The proper gift for a boss' birthday is NOT telling everyone he's a total prick behind his back

By ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5490418 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:45

Did you take it back?>.

By Gmoney12 | 18

#5490424 - Monday 13 May 2013 23:47

I hope you reassured him that it was a gift card for an "all inclusive go fuck yourself asshole" experience. Those are the best gifts for insecure bosses :)