Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was secretly snacking on my roommate’s chips. I heard her coming, so I shoved the chips under my bed and pretended to read. She came in, sniffed the air, and said, "I know you stole my chips. The evidence is on your face." I had orange cheese dust all over my mouth. FML
Today, I walked into what I thought was my friend's apartment, dropped my backpack on the couch, and started complaining about work. A complete stranger then walked out of the kitchen holding a sandwich, saw me, then yelled "HELP!" I apologized, grabbed my bag, and somehow took his TV remote with me. FML
Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, so I made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informed me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
Today, I came home to to find my roommate spinning on a computer chair, shitting everywhere. He'd taken Peyote. Now the whole place smells of poop. FML
Today, tired of my roommate’s constant stealing of my food, I decided to get back at him by hiding a small amount of hot sauce in his sandwich, thinking it would be a funny prank. When he took a huge bite, he immediately started choking and running to the bathroom. I later found out he's allergic to spicy food. FML
Today, I sat down on my couch with a nice cool beer after a tough day at work. I tried opening a bag of chips. The bag exploded, covering me in chips and crumbs, turning me into a sticky human nacho. Well, my dog certainly saw me as a snack, and I had to shower and change clothes. So much for relaxing. FML
Today, my dog ate an entire bag of my boyfriend’s shrooms. She got incredibly sick and had to be admitted to doggie hospital. My entire family was worried that we would lose her. All except my boyfriend, who was more upset that his shrooms were gone. FML
Today, I was feeling down and decided to eat one of my roommate's chocolate Pop-Tarts to cheer myself up. I took a big bite and thought it tasted "off". It was full of live maggots. FML
Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML
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Top comments
Pleonasm 36
He sounds like a fungi to be around! Don't be so sporing OP, have a laugh!
Renesaga 8
That's prettt much how I spend everyday, even without shrooms.
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Comments (122)
CorpsmanUp88 21
I say you need a new room mate
yourmurderscenex 13
why? that one seems very entertaining. I mean until he thinks you're some mutant coming to kill you..
kaoszombie 6
Well I say he needs a new vacuum. Poor fella.
jw90 18
How do you mistake shrooms for peanut butter?
Maxus1221 11
The housemate was probably high as a kite when he made the sandwich.
NotoriousLES 14
You don't. You just don't. As for the "he was already high" suggestions, one would die of an overdose before they ever got high enough to "mistake" shrooms for Peanut butter. I lived my youth to the fullest (and stupidest) degree so trust me, I would know.
mFUNdo21 17
just because you did drugs once upon a time it doesn't make you an expert on the matter. so no. you wouldn't know
ChibiChibi_fml 28
I'm with #42 on this. You would have to be near overdose levels to mistake mushrooms for peanut butter. That being said, I have been told repeatedly, that the best way to hide the taste of mushrooms is to put them on a peanut butter sandwich and then eat them. I'm guessing that's what the roommate actually did and was too embarrassed or assumed that the OP would be pissed if he admitted it.
NotoriousLES 14
I would know it isn't possible to mistake peanut butter and mushrooms. You should know that too ... Not exactly rocket science
NotoriousLES 14
All other reasons aside, the OP put the word "mistake" in quotes so it seams safe to totally rule out eating the shrooms was an accident.
BobbieH 19
At least he wasn't naked?! I guess you can be thankful for small favors. FYL OP!
jayceejaco 15
Sounds like a great trip
WhiteCrimson 23
Lol we'll then, scares for life!
Jared900DUmpling 30
Poor guy. At least he was innocent, "he didn't know, and did it by mistake."
Obey_StudBoii 23
How could you not know??
Jared900DUmpling 30
Yea, that was the point. That's why I put it in quotes.
jtfrisch 22
Mushroom mushroom mushroom
ShittyBikes 6
Badger badger badger...
thrAsHeRr9081 16
SNAKE
ozpunker 20
The automatic vacuum makes the story.
carina_47 16
Well that escalated quickly.
skyeyez9 25
I remember my older brother waking me up one saturday morning waving a sandwich bag with out 8-10 shriveled looking things inside.. I later learned they were the same type of shrooms OP's roommate apparently ate. They looked nasty