Kids: Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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BO Central

Stop talking!

Things can only get better

By Noname - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By SapphireRaven - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By lynxstorm - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I love dearly because he doesn't share his feelings and won't commit. Yesterday, he wrote me a long love letter telling me he wanted to marry me. One of my kids had shoved it under my printer and I didn't find it until after he had moved out. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML

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By mags - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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By shuffling man

YDI Fosho

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to try anal, praise the lord hallelujah. As we were getting into position, she let out a rancid fart she'd been saving for my face. Apparently it was revenge for me seeing Mamma Mia 2 without her while she was at work yesterday. FML

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By Lolzords - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

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By Prae - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

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By James - United States

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after sweeping up a spill, I managed to break the cupboard door. With my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

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By ViviMage

Today, while working in a blood drawing clinic, a mom sat in the chair holding her 4-year-old child, who kicked me square in the groin. Being a heavyset lady, I shrugged it off and collected the sample, while the child screamed, "Kicking worked on the last man that did this!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 11:01

Sounds fishy

Today, I told my wife I wasn’t comfortable with her going out with an old guy friend. Petty, sure, but our sex life is non-existent. I found out that she's been seeing him behind my back for months, spent the night with him last week and claims there’s nothing going on. Trying to decide whether I should stay or go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By weneedthatmoneytoliveon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I overheard my mother Skyping with her new "boyfriend" about the $1,000 she just sent him. She barely knew what internet dating was three weeks ago. FML

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By anon - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling sick but went into my waitressing job because I'd already missed 3 days this week. I was dizzy and managed to spill a tray of drinks all over the customers. Then, when their food was done, I tripped and spilled hot chili all over the man's lap. FML

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By new dog - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

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By Electric Eddy

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

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By hail science!

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom. Apparently, my seeking medicinal treatments for my cancer is blasphemous. According to her, I should just pray my cancer away. FML

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By arose - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML

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By iailwkrb - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

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By Jlipka - United States

Today, while house sitting, I went to take my pizza out of the oven, not realizing that the oven mitt had a hole in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 08:01

Self-own

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

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By Finding Kemo - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By BluBaller - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

Business savvy

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

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By Clementine - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By Idk - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

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By emancipate me - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

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By Girl - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

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By post valentines depression

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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By NoRespect - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

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Top comments

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#127317 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:05

The last sentence just ruined this one for me. Quit crying. And it's "than" not "then".

By mobius8 | 0

#127306 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:03

Weren't you calling her? She was just probably wanting you to save your money for the trip.

COMMENTS

By Southbark | 1

#127291 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:00

Ouch =(

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#899892 - Sunday 28 February 2010 9:05

*than, OP, than.

Reply

Dmars444 | 4

#2398337 - Sunday 24 April 2011 16:28

Aussie Aussie Aussie!

Reply

bigfoot89 | 4

#2642159 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 14:11

which university were u at!!!!??

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3091204 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:18

Is OP, is

By Chubtubdaplaya | 0

#127294 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:01

Are you under 18? If not, two months shouldn't be a big deal to be away from your parents. I'd hang up too. Email anyone?

By jasminenoelle | 0

#127303 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:02

msn eachother.

Reply

CLoUDiiiE | 0

#4385112 - Thursday 3 May 2012 3:02

People still use msn?

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4425835 - Saturday 12 May 2012 20:43

People still use phones? They weren't Facebook chatting, or video chatting?

Reply

marulicko | 19

#5808670 - Sunday 29 December 2013 8:45

Well, this was posted in 2009, so probably

By mobius8 | 0

#127306 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:03

Weren't you calling her? She was just probably wanting you to save your money for the trip.

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#127317 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:05

The last sentence just ruined this one for me. Quit crying. And it's "than" not "then".

Reply

ProctorKProducti | 5

#5946701 - Friday 16 May 2014 5:45

Amen

By Snow_White_fml | 3

#127336 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:08

What's the problem? You could use the internet to talk if you need to talk to her that badly.

By bad_times | 0

#127339 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:09

why is this an fmylife? honestly NO ONE CARES!

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#127359 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:15

To be honest, its nice that you missed your mom, but if you can't live without her for the pass 2 months to know she's still alive, that's jus plain sad. & I wouldn't blame her either, since this economic crises might be taking her with it soon she's jus trying to not waste money lolx

Reply

TheDarkCynder | 2

#3668916 - Thursday 1 December 2011 13:15

I travel abroad extremely often and talk to my mom each time. Yes, I can easily live without her for large amounts of time, but that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to her.

By AwesomeCakePie | 0

#127371 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:16

In her defense, long distance calls are pretty expensive.

By thequeenofscots | 0

#127374 - Monday 20 April 2009 20:16

Why God invented the holy concept of Instant Messenger.