Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

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Mixed signals

A beautiful truck decoration

Not a cheating!

By zinka - 25/7/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By epicgamer - 13/9/2016 02:55 - United States - Fremont

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

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By Unfortunate - 8/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

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By kel - 10/2/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

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By Clueless - 14/5/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By definatelynotamurderer - 3/3/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML

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By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 05:32 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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By fml - 5/2/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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By thwack - 24/5/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By katwingz - 19/2/2013 22:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

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By ronz - 8/2/2012 13:26

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

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By Sl3vin - 19/1/2010 14:17 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

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By Samuel - 21/5/2010 19:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By insensitive prick - 19/8/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

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By emisara93 - 23/12/2017 19:00

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2010 22:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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By scatter00x - 8/2/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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By noexceptions - 11/11/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, at school, I got stuck in the elevator and was about to panic before I remembered I had my phone. I called my mother and she called the school to tell them that I was stuck. They got me out in a few minutes and then confiscated my phone and gave me two detentions for using it in school. FML

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By ER1C - 16/5/2016 12:35 - Canada

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2019 18:00

It is free

Today, I've decided to pay for sex. Stopped at a hooker and asked how much would it cost for a blowjob. Apparently she was a boy and told me: "If you suck my penis first, it is free". FML

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By ThatsIncentive - 15/12/2016 01:59 - United States - Granite Bay

Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML

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By anon - 11/11/2015 03:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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By franky - 25/3/2013 21:45 - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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By traitor - 23/4/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2010 01:47 - Ireland

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

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By a - 10/4/2013 19:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By Cameraman - 1/6/2017 01:00 - Israel

Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML

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By Reggie - 12/5/2017 12:00

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By noneedtostress - 17/3/2012 15:52 - Australia

Today, I realised my period was two weeks late and panicked about being pregnant due to missing a pill a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I haven't had sex in almost a year. FML

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By hrs220 - 21/5/2016 21:55 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2018 10:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - 6/8/2015 08:33 - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By AlexSnower - 12/4/2020 02:00

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By omfgnooo - 9/9/2011 23:22 - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By nicole - 22/9/2011 10:31 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By ProudMamma - 14/9/2016 01:50 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

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By LFE - 16/10/2013 04:40 - United States - Liberty Hill

Today, after applying at over 30 businesses over the past 6 months, I have had not one single call. I later find out that I was using my old phone number on the applications, and my secondary phone was my mom's. She thought they were telemarketers. FML

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Top comments

By KaySL | 24

#551354 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:07

1) It's not filed under intimacy
2) Your spelling is truly dire. Work on that

Think before you say something fucking stupid.

By SKYblue_fml | 1

#551347 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:05

It's under "health" not "intimacy"

COMMENTS

By mmsshadow | 0

#551335 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:03

that has nothing to do with intamacy retard

Reply

Lisimal | 7

#551341 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:04

What?

Reply

KaySL | 24

#551354 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:07

1) It's not filed under intimacy
2) Your spelling is truly dire. Work on that

Think before you say something fucking stupid.

Reply

rslov3r43v3r | 0

#551521 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 21:43

she's got cock on her mind

Reply

mmsshadow | 0

#552025 - Thursday 10 September 2009 0:49

on mine it showed up under intimacy

Reply

shelbtron | 0

#552659 - Thursday 10 September 2009 5:21

1) lose weight
2) take a fuckin step back or take your own GD passport photo. it's allowed.

Reply

MimiKnox | 0

#552698 - Thursday 10 September 2009 5:54

I'm not really sure whether to laugh or feel sorry for you....

By Fop | 6

#551342 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:05

This made my day :D

By cuterthanuthink | 0

#551343 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:05

ok...

By plexico | 3

#551345 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:05

You should have shrunk down a picture of a catcher's mitt and sent it in, fatty.

Reply

feari_princess | 0

#551993 - Thursday 10 September 2009 0:39

win! your coments always make me laugh plexico! why were you downvoted?!

By SKYblue_fml | 1

#551347 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:05

It's under "health" not "intimacy"

By cefarix | 5

#551349 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:06

ZING!

By Egotistical | 0

#551352 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:06

LOL.
Where's ireplywithlyrics/plexico when you need them?

Reply

CraziOne | 0

#551379 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:20

Plexico did comment on this just so you know. Look at comment number 5.

Reply

ireply_w_lyrics | 0

#552009 - Thursday 10 September 2009 0:44

Here i am!

"...His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today ..."

You wanna know why she saw God today? Because of the near death experience through a heart attack after last time she ate McDicks

By blueem2 | 0

#551362 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:12

FAT FUCK

By cuteguyoO | 0

#551365 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:13

sounds fake

By PaulieeBooMN | 0

#551370 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 20:15

Then lose weight?