By pabj208 - United Kingdom - Cardiff
Today, during a meal out with my team and bosses, I wasn't drinking. The waiter complained, "If you're not ordering alcohol, how am I supposed to take advantage of you later?" I'm not sure what's worse, the rapey pre-dinner joke or the awkward silence as my colleagues looked on. FML
pabj208 tells us more :
OP here. Thanks for the comments everyone, you'll be pleased to hear that today I did phone up the restaurant posing as 'a member of the girl's team' (which is technically true), as I didn't want to identify myself. I can take a bit of banter as much as the next person, and although I'm sure it was meant as a joke, it certainly crossed a line. I thought I'd say something to his manager in case he repeated his actions to someone less capable of standing up for themselves than me! You never know who he might try it with again... The (female) owner was horrified and said she was furious with the waiter, who had apparently worked there for 20 years. She'll be having a chat with him later on and offered me and 'the girl' (also me!) a free pizza each. I don't think I'll be taking them up on the offer! Oh, and my team were lovely about it- after the shocked silence they all agreed that he crossed a line and were very supportive :)
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By  khoov19  |  20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

  khoov19  |  20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

  Just_A_Tree  |  20

Small, cute flirting = okay
Small hints at rape = not okay

One time I had a waiter tell me that we should go out and get a beer... She seemed to be in her 40's, I'm 17... The awkwardness was so heavy, you could sink a ship with it.


Since when does "take advantage of" = rape?! Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and a lot of people find themselves more amenable to having fun with someone after a few drinks. As I read it, I don't think he was making reference to forcing himself on her at all. Perhaps it's my Irish sensibilities, but I've been in exactly the same situation and was flattered that the girl was coming on to me.

Of course, I wasn't there, and perhaps the tone of the comment as coming from the server was more sinister, whether intended or not. But I don't think the remark was, in and of itself, offensive.

  Aimeejasmine  |  15

Oh my god no.. If OP had gotten drunk she wouldn't have been able to consent to sex, if they'd gotten very drunk they probably wouldn't have been aware they were having sex. The waiter acknowledged this and not only suggested to having sex without consent with OP but talked so lightly of rape (I hope you're aware now that they're referring to rape as the definition of rape is non- consented sex) to a literal stranger as if it was a commonplace thing.. Completely out of order, they should've been fired.

  ChibiChibi_fml  |  27

Am I the only one that didn't jump to rape but immediately thought drunk people tip better? As a server who works in a place where people may consume alcohol I find that the more alcohol people consume the more likely they are to over tip due to forgetting how to do math. All it takes is a couple extra smiles at bad jokes and suddenly you've earned a twenty dollar tip on a thirty dollar meal.

By  lex1459  |  38

That kind of behaviour is unacceptable. I hope you told his manager, and I hope that you ordered took whatever you were drinking and threw it in his face.

By  xivoricbutterfly  |  25

I love when the waiters make witty jokes, I hope you checked for drugs in your drink

  xivoricbutterfly  |  25

I was hoping people understood that I was joking


I agree that there's a double standard, but the real problem is saying any of that at all. Unless you thoroughly know the person you're talking to and they know your sense of humor and your intentions, this is a pretty inappropiate thing to say.

  ChibiChibi_fml  |  27

"The problem is the double standard.

Man says that to woman, woman thinks the man is a creep.

Woman says that to man, "hey, I might get lucky!" "

That's not a double standard. A double standard would be a man getting in trouble for saying that because a woman complained to management but a woman not getting in trouble for saying that when a man complained about them saying it.
What you described is just a difference in what men and women consider being flirting versus sexual harassment. That's not something people can control. As a woman I can't control how a man thinks any more than he can control how I think. Therefore there are certain things, such as what this server said, that you shouldn't say unless you know how someone will react.