So Many Feelings

Today, at work, I was trying to repeat an order back to this guy, when his drunk girlfriend started to interrupt me. Whenever I would open my mouth, she would say "Blah blah blah." Literally. Eventually, I gave up. I got his order wrong, and got yelled at by my manager for not repeating his order. FML

Oh, hai!

Hello everyone!

Social distancing gone wrong

By ziatenaj - 15/10/2010 10:52 - United States

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Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

By bottombarrel - 28/10/2014 14:07 - United States - Greenville

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Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said "I was thinking McDonald's". FML

By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 16:39 - United States - Dallas

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Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

By not even - 21/7/2016 11:20 - United States - Troy

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Today, I got a haircut. I wanted three inches cut off. When the lady finished, she had cut off everything but three inches of my hair. FML

By ruhrohraggy - 28/7/2019 16:00

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Today, my boss decided our 4 year relationship was unethical, so she broke up with me, then terminated my employment. FML

By flyakite - 22/8/2014 03:53 - United States

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Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

By missmolliss - 25/6/2015 20:59 - United States - Norfolk

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Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2015 12:43 - Malta - Santa Venera

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Today, my grandmother updated her will. Previously, it denied inheritance to family members with non-white spouses, and any mixed-raced children. Now it does the same with politically correct terminology. She then bragged about how accepting she is in front of my Korean husband and our daughter. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2011 00:59 - United States

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Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

By areyoukiddingme - 1/10/2015 05:56 - United States - Phoenixville

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Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

By do your own ironing - 15/4/2013 04:32

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Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML

By amanda - 23/7/2013 05:17 - United States - Lafayette

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Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

By moe - 27/5/2011 05:26 - United States

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Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 05:39 - United States

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Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

By fmmlll - 18/10/2010 08:56 - United States

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Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Happy Feet

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Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

By [email protected] - 3/1/2009 08:38 - France

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Today, due to my lagging browser, I accidentally "liked" a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship. Then, the computer froze, making it impossible to "unlike" it immediately. My friend won't accept that it was a mistake. FML

By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 18:20 - United States

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Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

By Shodan2112 - 18/2/2011 15:25 - United States

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Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

By a fatty - 15/2/2011 06:25

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Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

By BrandNewKadillak - 30/4/2009 00:14 - United States

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Today, my fiancée suggested a 'Back To The Future' - themed wedding. FML

By minnie - 23/10/2019 04:00 - Australia

How would that work?

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Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 05:00

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Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

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Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2010 08:19 - United States

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Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML

By TrashlifeKaylala - 10/7/2019 00:01

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

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Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

By PukinFireman - 17/10/2009 08:20 - United States

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Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

By Baikal - 12/5/2013 04:09 - Singapore

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Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired my hilarious "zombie dancing". Those were my regular dance moves. FML

By tinydancer - 10/5/2012 18:10 - United States - Richmond

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Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

By WhatALoserAmI - 27/6/2016 16:08 - India - Bhopal

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Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 20:00

Cabin fever

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Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

By ihatekids - 14/7/2016 20:43

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Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

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Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

By Emily S - 9/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

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Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

By Wtf - 10/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Miamisburg

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Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

By Failed_Dad - 25/9/2015 05:42 - United States - Davis

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Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

By Dumbass - 20/6/2009 06:01 - United States

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Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2018 15:33

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Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

By yoked - 18/12/2009 03:48 - United States

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Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

By YoshiSqu4d - 3/7/2019 14:01

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