By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

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Serious times

Coherence dude, do you have it?

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By jake - United States - Bend

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

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By AudraRose - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

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By Blindsided

Today, my boyfriend’s dog decided that his stomach needed a month’s supply of contacts more than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By bad son - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By Shannon - United States - Dearborn

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

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By sarabellekitty

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

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By stephiew - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me explaining that he is getting married this weekend to a woman he met on Craigslist. Why? Because I won't marry him, and he'll make an extra thousand dollars per month having a wife since he is in the army. FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

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By gj09 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hialeah

Today, my team suffered a humiliating loss against our biggest rivals. My family was pretty supportive, though, but only because they'd taken bets against me from the start. FML

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By Hopper - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

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By suckstosuck - United States - Dana Point

Sexy talk

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

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By faaail - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

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By why god - United States - Huntington Park

Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML

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By Nathaniel Bastien - 6/2/2021 23:01 - Canada

If only it was a leap year

Today, I inquired about getting a raise from a company that I've been with for 5 years. My manager said I'll get one starting February 29th. FML

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By ryan - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By frog - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

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By shunned - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

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By RingAroundThe..SPLAT - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By anonymus - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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By failure - Canada

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML

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By boyfriend123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

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By scfead - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

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By Bacon0426 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By Having a pretty sister sucks. - United States - College Station

Relatable

Today, my sister had an emotional breakdown because two guys love her and she can't pick just one. Meanwhile I'm single and spend my time laying treats on my floor in a pattern and watching my rabbit run in circles. FML

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By Anonymous

Yappy neighborhood

Today, I don't think my neighbours realize that, by getting that dog they have been wanting, they ruined the peace and quiet of the entire neighbourhood, consisting of ten houses. I'm the person underneath whose window that dog barks every day - mostly when I'm either trying to fall asleep or wanting to sleep in. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2021 17:00

How d'you think I look so good?

Today, I got home and my wife asked me to help yell at the kids for ruining over £1000 of her makeup supplies. I did an almost double take at the fact I had no idea she had spent over £1000 just on makeup. No wonder we’re always broke the end of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By 123alleyesonme - United States - Austin

Today, after losing twenty pounds to please my husband, the only comment I received was, "At least now only your personality sucks." FML

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By haramara - 25/5/2021 17:01

Stress test

Today, while driving on the streets for the first time, my mom decided that it would be an appropriate time to yell at me for every single mistake I’ve ever made in my life. This stressed me out so much I began driving against traffic. FML

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7969346 - Friday 5 February 2021 6:25

Good news - you just lost a hoe. Now look for someone of better quality.

By kfchicken | 31

#7969324 - Friday 5 February 2021 2:19

ouch. it does sound like she's been over the relationship for a while now, and considering her complete disregard towards your feelings you're better off. side note seems like she wanted a hoe faze and to experience other people, so more sex between the two of you probably wouldn't have cut it, so don't put this on you.

COMMENTS

By voodoo66 | 5

#7969318 - Friday 5 February 2021 1:04

you should have hit that more often

Reply

Gamer_299 | 4

#7969588 - Saturday 6 February 2021 2:44

sounds like she was the one turning him down

By kfchicken | 31

#7969324 - Friday 5 February 2021 2:19

ouch. it does sound like she's been over the relationship for a while now, and considering her complete disregard towards your feelings you're better off. side note seems like she wanted a hoe faze and to experience other people, so more sex between the two of you probably wouldn't have cut it, so don't put this on you.

By tounces7 | 27

#7969346 - Friday 5 February 2021 6:25

Good news - you just lost a hoe. Now look for someone of better quality.

By rainbowdonnareed | 18

#7969558 - Friday 5 February 2021 23:00

I hope you don't live together quarantine with an ex....
PLEASE make tic tocs, Instagram etcetera if so