By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 14:00

Scarred

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

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1192

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Time for the ER

All for nothing

Breaking Badly

By razordot - 28/2/2019 09:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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1035

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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1238

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160

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By ihateloopholes - 21/6/2015 20:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

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21905

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

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74848

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 10:50 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

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By Fag_Hag - 6/2/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

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37259

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By Electronotfriend - 1/8/2009 16:49 - Poland

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

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4659

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By ai_lauren - 19/12/2014 04:04 - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

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By loserface23 - 28/5/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him so that we can consolidate our student loans. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2014 09:34 - Australia

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

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By Burning Love - 15/3/2014 07:35 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 12:31

Proud

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

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13567

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978

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By britney - 15/2/2010 02:54 - Canada

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, thats she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

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23044

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By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2012 18:07 - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

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20427

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By Ilovelife07 - 19/9/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 20:00

Broken vibrator

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

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1982

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243

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By highschoolsucks - 21/1/2015 02:41 - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By Amanda - 11/8/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 23:55

Hot hot hot

Today, my AC stopped working and I have no money. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. FML

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1422

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By ohhotdamn - 19/4/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, for my mom's 50th birthday all she wanted was this gold bracelet. It was too much money for me to buy so I bought the same one in silver. Right before I gave it to her, my older sister gave her the gold bracelet which made her cry. When I gave her my present she just said "oh." FML

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By xoVioLoveox - 10/3/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

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By Fauna - 9/5/2019 04:00

Today, I started to make a protein shake to have a healthy breakfast. It exploded. Turns out, my mom lost the rubber gasket and put the blender back, so it looked ready to use. By the time I cleaned it all up, it was time for me to leave for work. I'm now eating chips from the vending machine. FML

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By bucollegegirl - 8/10/2012 14:07 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By upset room mate - 18/8/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2010 01:12 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I would be embarrassed if she got a tramp stamp. FML

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31902

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By soso - 13/5/2012 21:26 - Sweden - Bor

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

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32377

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By soonaked - 30/1/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

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By MoreActionThanMe - 11/12/2012 00:04 - United States

Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 13:48 - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

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26639

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By thesockmancometh - 30/7/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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52949

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By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2016 02:21 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

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By MentalHealthWorker - 17/9/2020 02:05

True hero

Today, I once again had to clean up a shower and bathroom covered in feces, because of client with incontinence. It smelt so bad that I couldn’t hide my reaction; the client saw my face and I could see the embarrassment on theirs. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an asshole. FML

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By gummy bear - 21/1/2011 11:41

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

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By problems - 19/10/2014 03:03 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

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39382

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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143106

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By Canonlizardjet - 13/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

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6473

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By and she blames me -_- - 13/10/2013 21:50 - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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By Aw522 - 30/5/2012 23:07 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7909360 - Wednesday 27 May 2020 16:54

She's wondering if you're a junkie. You'd better explain yourself before she rats you out to the DARE program.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7909451 - Thursday 28 May 2020 0:45

Sooooooooooooooo tell her what they are?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7909360 - Wednesday 27 May 2020 16:54

She's wondering if you're a junkie. You'd better explain yourself before she rats you out to the DARE program.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7909451 - Thursday 28 May 2020 0:45

Sooooooooooooooo tell her what they are?

By s_ve | 7

#7909706 - Friday 29 May 2020 3:00

Kids can be so tough some times! Try vitamin E oil and massage then it might help lighten and soften the stretch marks!

By ojoRojo | 23

#7909836 - Friday 29 May 2020 16:37

Tiger stripes!