Today, my wife has quit smoking weed. Now she can stay up all night, whereas before she fell asleep around 9 almost every night, so now I get absolutely no time to myself. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML
Today, my wife has quit nicotine. As expected, she's put on some weight, but it's all gone to her butt, boobs, and hips. She looks better than ever, easily 5 years younger, but she's so upset about the weight gain that she refuses to let me touch her, and she wears baggy clothes 24/7 now. FML
Today, my wife decided to quit nicotine. I came home to find my Xbox, Playstation, Switch, and PC burning in our fire pit. FML
Today, my wife finally let our kids stay the night at my mom's house, meaning we had our first night totally alone together in 6 years. She spent all night texting my mom for updates on the kids or on the phone to her sister, so I watched a film by myself then went to bed bored at 8:15 p.m. FML
Today, and since I found out that I'm pregnant, I've been sober. I used to smoke weed to help with me depression and anxiety, but now I can't even take prescription medicine for it. I'm about to throw hands at this point. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I quit smoking weed. It's not horrible, the digestive issues from the withdrawal have stopped and I have started dreaming again. Sadly all my dreams are horrific nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. FML
Today, my wife whined that she couldn't sleep, while she had her eyes glued to her phone, her Switch in her lap, the TV on, and her bedside light shining in her face. I've long since learned not to comment on this. FML
Today, after secretly smoking for more than two years, I decided to quit. I came home from work to see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML
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Top comments
poopface82 25
I was married to a woman like that for a long time; I couldn’t get time to myself because she monopolized all my free time. If she can’t work with you on that, maybe it’s time to, I don’t know, figure something out.
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Comments (2)
poopface82 25
I was married to a woman like that for a long time; I couldn’t get time to myself because she monopolized all my free time. If she can’t work with you on that, maybe it’s time to, I don’t know, figure something out.
Underscore_foo 5
God forbid, you have to spend time with your significant other. As though you didn’t know marriage and sharing a home would involve that. If you need time alone, arrange plans with your buddies. I don’t know - makes a lot of bloody sense.