By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

863

You deserved it

160

Tweet

Share

Ambien conversations are the worst

Never flip flop and drive

Last dates

By Anonymous - 21/7/2014 22:49 - United States - Dublin

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43481

You deserved it

5862

Tweet

Share

By FML - 8/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40472

You deserved it

3376

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/11/2018 05:00

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3510

You deserved it

202

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 20:00

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5995

You deserved it

374

Tweet

Share

By WorthLessThanACareer - 21/6/2016 12:57

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13381

You deserved it

1176

Tweet

Share

By scaredscreenless - 16/8/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12647

You deserved it

27253

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/5/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46286

You deserved it

13579

Tweet

Share

By sickbaby - 11/6/2011 13:06 - Singapore

Today, my parents grounded me and took away my phone, iPod and door. That's right, my door. They think that because I was stumbling and couldn't walk straight last night, I must have been out drinking. They know I suffer from chronic vertigo, but don't believe I was having an attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45294

You deserved it

3220

Tweet

Share

By Samyett - 9/2/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58116

You deserved it

14922

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/9/2018 22:30

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2327

You deserved it

162

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 14:35 - France - Melesse

Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28548

You deserved it

3763

Tweet

Share

By vishuzzbabe77 - 22/8/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10411

You deserved it

41556

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37646

You deserved it

11968

Tweet

Share

By ivyleaguebabe - 3/6/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15722

You deserved it

59809

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 12:00

Fetish

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2332

You deserved it

247

Tweet

Share

By Hallllo - 11/5/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

100032

You deserved it

9060

Tweet

Share

By grossedout - 6/9/2011 05:33 - United States

Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30016

You deserved it

2519

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 02:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year old boss's new breast implants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23785

You deserved it

2317

Tweet

Share

By letmediealready - 22/12/2017 19:00

Today I saved my wife's puppy from drowning in an icy pond and I ended up in the ER struggling to breath from the water in my lungs. When my wife showed up to see me, I caught her flirting with my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5613

You deserved it

319

Tweet

Share

By annonymous - 6/4/2009 08:35 - China

Today, I had a softball team dinner, and I was sitting with a bunch of girls who were talking about how far they've gone with guys. One girl goes "I must be the least experienced one here, I've never even kissed a guy!" Surprised, I said "me too!" and high-fived her. She was joking. I wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70387

You deserved it

9814

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 16:17 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26272

You deserved it

3318

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/1/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38803

You deserved it

6045

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58979

You deserved it

4048

Tweet

Share

By erdot - 8/5/2019 21:00 - Romania - Bucuresti

Today, after 7 years of writing my PhD thesis, I found a book containing all the exact findings I've spent arduous hours, nay, years discovering. My tutoring professor somehow forgot to mention I was discovering sealing wax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1832

You deserved it

587

Tweet

Share

By Cogibbt - 3/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1442

You deserved it

112

Tweet

Share

By anonymoose - 30/5/2013 00:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63145

You deserved it

3354

Tweet

Share

By feckingnasty - 26/1/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4530

You deserved it

455

Tweet

Share

By Brian B - 13/9/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12927

You deserved it

25336

Tweet

Share

By lonesomegal - 30/1/2015 18:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33278

You deserved it

2432

Tweet

Share

By offbeans - 17/2/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

266691

You deserved it

90520

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54343

You deserved it

3956

Tweet

Share

By Callum536 - 22/8/2016 09:51 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's my birthday and I'd invited quite a lot of my friends to come round and have some fun. When I got home, I saw a few cars outside. It turned out to be for the neighbours. I waited and waited; none of my friends showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12862

You deserved it

853

Tweet

Share

By Username - 13/11/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25839

You deserved it

7535

Tweet

Share

By Dj sMoZ! - 15/2/2011 15:30

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14438

You deserved it

43417

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 07:28

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8680

You deserved it

518

Tweet

Share

By rhcp007 - 13/6/2017 17:00 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, I went to drop my little brother off at the nursery. As I walked in, a boy punched me in the dick and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3289

You deserved it

278

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:04 - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41624

You deserved it

4170

Tweet

Share

By Hayleey_079 - 18/2/2010 14:22 - United Kingdom

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25940

You deserved it

3739

Tweet

Share

By Hot Pants - 1/12/2011 17:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25328

You deserved it

5752

Tweet

Share

By kjdhfakjs - 20/5/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41283

You deserved it

6650

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By thatsme293 | 28

#7939014 - Friday 18 September 2020 2:02

Why would you go hiking near wildfires in the first place?

By Mathalamus | 24

#7938964 - Thursday 17 September 2020 20:49

I don’t see the issue?

COMMENTS

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7938956 - Thursday 17 September 2020 20:07

If your parents are married, he got to you through her. If not, what a crappy dad.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7938964 - Thursday 17 September 2020 20:49

I don’t see the issue?

By thatsme293 | 28

#7939014 - Friday 18 September 2020 2:02

Why would you go hiking near wildfires in the first place?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7939020 - Friday 18 September 2020 3:17

Just because you char to a crisp in the woods doesn't mean your team has to suck!

The sorrow of your mourners would be slightly softened to know that your team is still kicking ass. Go Dad!

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7939180 - Friday 18 September 2020 19:50

Op, you're in a new stage in your life. You may be experiencing some anxiety of your new course in life (congratulations, btw!). Your dad is communicating to both you and your mom that he's not worried about you because he knows you can handle it. Have a great honeymoon. You'll be laughing about it years from now