Me at lunchtime

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

Videos

The geyser

He has issues

What a headache

By miiiiilk - United States

Superfuzz Big Muff

31526

9487

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

By Noname - United States

39229

8669

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

By okay then - United States - Avon Lake

45712

3503

Today, I went to dinner with my friend and his family. I went to the men's room at the same time as his father, and as we peed next to each other in adjacent urinals the father looked over at me and said "Don't worry, I've seen smaller." FML

By samrodpuertorico - United States

39208

3010

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

By girlie - United States

26365

47395

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26605

3573

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

By it's shitty, yeah, stfu - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

37235

2623

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2020 18:00

This Charming Man

1812

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

By not-religious - United States

40217

5143

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

By dazzla08

54457

3317

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

By hjufidskndf - United States

36128

4077

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

By user210 - United States

34916

4056

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

By agnosticstudy - United States

12256

28748

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

By flurina - Canada

33308

3638

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I'd seen Mammoths "for real" when I was a kid. FML

By Granmacathy - United States

33989

4480

Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

30721

38473

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

By kingwalrus - United Kingdom

37965

8022

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

By Chey - United States - Bakersfield

26143

3332

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

By notdaddy - United States - Houston

40930

4415

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

By Anonymous

6134

255

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

By Anonymous - United States

12158

96934

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

By frankkathy - United States

34312

19350

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

By meggiemouse - United States

33700

14363

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

By smellybelly - United States

25123

4486

Today, my boss recognized my shoes under the stall wall and had a conversation with me while we were both taking a dump. I had severe diarrhea. FML

By Username - United States - Brooklyn

31297

2335

Today, I got a perm in an attempt to prove to my family that I'd been doing well with my life since I last saw them almost a year ago. I ended up going over for dinner looking like Bozo the Clown thanks to my idiot stylist, and my brothers wouldn't stop mocking me about it. FML

By Bozo - United States - Saukville

9607

23767

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

By laundryduty

1870

166

Today, my car's parking gear and parking brake failed. I watched as it rolled down a big hill into someone's 2017, $30,000 camper. FML

By "jjuuuuuuulless"

2188

Phew, glad it wasn't me

287

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

By dpap - United States - Waukee

36137

3721

Today, while I was working my shift at the store, my girlfriend appeared and asked to talk to me. Once we were alone, she burst into tears and started sobbing. Turns out someone's dad died in her favorite TV show and she wanted some comfort. FML

By Mitch - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

29258

3425

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

By ringhider - France

48525

6907

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

By ihatejasonderulo - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Careless Whisper

40545

9923

Today, I was walking home from my acting gig at a haunted hayride. Even after spending lots of time washing the fake blood off my hands and face, I looked like I'd murdered someone. Perhaps that's why an officer stopped me and questioned me about a stabbing that happened earlier tonight. FML

By worldsbestjobgonebad - Canada

38924

4121

Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML

By libraries are a girl's best friend - United States - Elizabethtown

40865

35572

Today, I was asked by my live-in landlord not to put too much water in the kettle because it made the utility bills too high. This is the same woman who takes daily baths. FML

By logic - United Kingdom

22202

2175

Today, while working at McDonald's, I was pulled into the manager's office and informed that I'd been caught stealing money from the safe. When I told them to show me the security footage, they refused and fired me on the spot. FML

By FuckMcDonalds

5058

263

Today, I didn't mind paying a little bit extra for my manicure because I forgot how nice it was to have someone hold your hand. Even if it was an old Asian lady. FML

By lonelygirl - Australia - Chatswood

37227

5641

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

By Anonymous - United States

42568

4315

Today, a weird guy approached me and started asking me many questions. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I suddenly ran away shouting, "Stranger danger! " I'm 21. FML

By foreveryoung - France

13834

3259