Me at lunchtime

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

Videos

Understandable

Waiting for that special someone

Fragile

By Twomanybananas

4568

3799

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to an increasingly angry lady that no, she couldn't get an ultrasound by using a referral letter from her psychic. FML

By 360whoroscoped - United States - Saint Paul

28637

3098

Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

1207

432

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

By Unclean

Missing the point

1755

204

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

By Amber - United States - Oroville

25620

52311

Today, my boss keeps pointing out similarities between his wife and me. I genuinely dislike her, and have feelings for him. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 05:02

Sticky situation

337

916

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I was there with the lights out when something ran across my foot. I freaked out, tried to kick it off, and ended up smashing my foot into the side of the tub. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

20334

3161

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

By badessaymyass - United States - Phoenix

53002

4572

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

By Anonymous

Stuck in a rut

1906

283

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

By in pain and tardy - United States - Easthampton

19807

1314

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

By SayItToMyFace - United Kingdom

25921

1513

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

By FlatTire - United States

13967

19444

Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML

By sophiae123 - United States - Cadillac

34348

5277

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

By ouchers - United States

38243

338363

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

By Anonymous - United States

15944

140045

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 10:01

Bonjour!

1331

219

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

By catstew - United States

34046

4412

Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 19:30 - United States

Parenting in 2021

1010

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

32880

5886

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

By Soverytired - Australia

30952

3667

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

By gbabyy - United States

31667

6857

Today, my boyfriend are I are staying at his parents' while they are away. While having sex in their bed, the whole bed went crashing to the floor. We have no idea what to do, and we leave tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 23:02

Wrong place, wrong time

611

2122

Today, discovered that all the viruses I have gotten on my computer at work haven't been from anything I've done, but because my boss has secretly been using it after hours to download or watch porn so he wouldn't risk getting a virus on his own computer. I've lost 3 major projects due to this. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Albany

15939

896

Today, I took my wife and newborn baby girl home from the hospital. While waiting for the elevator, an elderly couple leaned over, saw our baby, and said, "Look, it's the fat kid that was in the nursery." My baby is six and a half pounds, and my wife hasn't stopped crying. FML

By mickey1928

40834

2875

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

By umm - United States

27643

3314

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

By CutestBoysEver - United States - Fruita

31633

2902

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Bolton

26661

5777

Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I'm staying single for the next 3 years. FML

By Dxxk Biter

7024

671

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

1086

423

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

By D - United Kingdom

39143

4808

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

By Wally - Canada

58230

5719

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

By jgdgjyfg - United Kingdom

38092

8874

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

By iStoleTheBrownie

Paparazzi

1535

3862

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Milton

35469

2632

Today, at the Japanese restaurant I work for, we have 95 reservations and three servers. FML

By send help

Help!

6321

389

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

24533

2271

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

By JuicyJohn - United States

15347

53585

Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 23:03

Preventive measures

836

Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Oregon

29723

2113