Me at lunchtime

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

Videos

Creepy

Capitalism kills

Healthy relationship

By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

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Today, I was using a public bathroom when a woman backs in, pulls down her pants, and sits on my lap. Needless to say she didn't even notice I was there until I hyperventilated. FML

By yourmom - 16/6/2009 04:06 - United States

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Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 06:44

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Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

By R281780 - 14/2/2016 15:53 - United States - San Jose

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Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

By maxthndr - 10/2/2009 05:36 - United States

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Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

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Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

By Better not - 24/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Kenai

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Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

By whorica139 - 2/9/2009 00:59 - United States

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Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

By placard3 - 2/10/2019 20:02

Cruel Summer

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132

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

By Ex-girlfried - 6/9/2009 23:15 - United States

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Today, I placed $20 in a slot machine at a casino and in a matter of 5 minutes lost it all. My sister then sat at the same machine, put her $20 in and quadrupled her money. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Lakeville

#winning

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Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

By bl3ur0z3 - 30/9/2019 00:01

The luck of the draw

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330

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

By Iamthatgirl - 27/8/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

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Today, my dad set the smoke alarm off at 6 a.m. as a "practice drill." I was woken up so suddenly, I fell out of bed into the bucket of sick I had been throwing up into the night before due to flu. Dad yelled at me for not getting out of the house in time. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 17:03

You're in the army now, oh ohoh

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122

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 22:51 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

By not sexy anymore - 28/7/2020 05:01

Get on with it!

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Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML

By IcantDance! - 1/10/2012 16:05 - United States - Daphne

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Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

By conley19 - 15/9/2009 04:17 - United States

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Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

By blinded - 5/7/2009 16:10 - United States

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Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

By novapine - 1/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

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Today, working from home due to the quarantine, things were going slow so I typed "Lola Fox BBC DP porn" into my team chat, thinking I was typing it into my browser. My supervisor took it down as soon as it happened, but people definitely saw. FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 23:00

British Broadcasting Corporation

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Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2015 20:52 - United States - Carlsbad

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Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Qu?bec

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Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

By Mary - 13/1/2013 15:49 - Czech Republic

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Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

By frog - 6/11/2008 13:01 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found out that my roommate has been switching my protein powder with chocolate milk mix and brown sugar. Since I work out frequently, I've been consuming large amounts of this and have gained at least 10 pounds of fat. His reason? I turned his bookbag inside out. Once. FML

By fatty milkshakes - 29/1/2013 22:56 - United States

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Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Noblesville

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Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

By ... - 6/6/2011 07:44 - Australia

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Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML

By why lie - 4/6/2020 20:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

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Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML

By rejected - 13/4/2012 05:09 - United States - Charlotte

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Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

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Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

By Seriously - 15/6/2011 16:46 - United States

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Today, I saw my picture in an architecture magazine. I'm not an architect. I was walking up a flight of "magnificently built" stairs as my skirt lifted to show an absence of underwear. FML

By crotchshothottie - 26/7/2011 16:22 - United States

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Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

By infortunatename - 1/8/2014 23:10 - United States

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Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

By notnerb - 19/5/2009 10:13 - New Zealand

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Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML

By sadphonegirl - 16/6/2012 13:44 - Canada - Brampton

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Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

By fml - 20/5/2010 21:32 - Canada

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Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

By Drunkactor - 3/8/2019 06:00 - United States

1989

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

By mike4444 - 12/2/2010 18:11 - France

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