By stupid!!! - 2/9/2020 19:58

Light bulb moment

Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML

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Messed up

Triage

Leaving makes sense

By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By Xero_316 - Canada

Paperboy on Commodore 64

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

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By FML1994 - United States

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

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By ambermcnulty - France

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He is 22. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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By PhilDavisDied? - France

He bangs the drums

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

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By JoJo - United States

Today, I realized that acne is a major side effect of a medication I'm taking. The medication is to help me with my anxiety. The acne is creating more anxiety. And the more anxious I get, the more meds I need. And the more my face breaks out. FML

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By CarSick - United States

Today, I threw up in the car. While driving. The good news though, I had a bag to catch it all. Bad news? The bag had a giant hole in the bottom. FML

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By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

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By Japaroni - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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By sari14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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By edhalen - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

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By Whybother - United States - Hilo

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

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By LoveLost

Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a stranger yelled, "Non-believers shouldn't wear these!" He then took my rosary and ran off. It belonged to my dead brother. FML

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By screwed.over - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML

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By forewhatnow - Australia

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. Later, I lost my virginity. The chicken was better than he was. FML

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By RejectRaven

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

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By uhoh - Canada - Sechelt

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

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By TNDriver - United States - Jackson

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

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By hahanosirr - United States

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

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By Paris101 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

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By beautifulme - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

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By HR - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

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By mrmatt008 - France

Today, I got back to work from a 3 week vacation. My boss had asked me to get him something so when I returned I presented him with a shotglass with the British flag on it. I later found out that he is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Disappointed - United States - Angleton

Today, the girl I've secretly loved for years finally noticed me. That is, after I ran over her foot with my truck. FML

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By district12 - United Kingdom

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

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By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

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By hurt - United States

Today, finally accepting the fact that the love of my life has moved on, I took myself to a movie, alone, on a Saturday night. After buying the last ticket to a sold out movie and trying to find the only open seat in the dark, I sit down... right next to my ex-best friend AND my ex-fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

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By ihatemylife - United States - Naperville

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

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By busybee - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

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By yonanon - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7935509 - Wednesday 2 September 2020 21:30

The dim bulb wasn't the one in the socket.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7935559 - Thursday 3 September 2020 1:05

Ironic that getting such an idea is called a "lightbulb moment".

COMMENTS

By Mathalamus | 24

#7935491 - Wednesday 2 September 2020 20:53

DoeS it normally unplug itself?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7935509 - Wednesday 2 September 2020 21:30

The dim bulb wasn't the one in the socket.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7935525 - Wednesday 2 September 2020 22:39

You broke Rule #1. Make sure it’s plugged in. Applies to all things with a plug.

By aye_its_gray | 3

#7935530 - Wednesday 2 September 2020 23:04

Isn’t it common sense to check if it’s plugged in?!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7935559 - Thursday 3 September 2020 1:05

Ironic that getting such an idea is called a "lightbulb moment".