Life Struggles

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

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Today, I baby sat a four-year old kid, because his parents went partying. Once in bed, he yells "I want to go party!!". After 3 or 4 times, I told him to go to sleep. 2 hours later, wet bed. "Told you I want to go potty!!" FML

By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

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Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2010 20:36 - United States

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Today, I received three big boxes from my mother in law, containing expensive cookware. I was puzzled, because I know that she hates me. Turns out she mailed them to us by mistake. Not only did she not get us anything, but I now have to pay to ship the boxes to her neighbor. FML

By bahhumbug - 21/12/2015 18:25 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

By Anonymous - 4/9/2009 23:43 - United Kingdom

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Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

By aphre - 18/3/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

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Today, I had the last wedding meeting with my fiancé at our church. Running extremely late from my friends house I failed to notice a small penis drawn on my forehead by my friends when I fell asleep after a party. The priest wasn't too happy and said numerous prayers for me. FML

By Good 2 have friends. - 28/12/2011 18:04 - United States

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Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

By Anonymous - 9/3/2011 09:52 - India

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Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

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Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, "I know we don't know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim "I'D LOVE TO!" He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

By asdfasdf - 3/3/2009 15:38 - United States

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Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 11:11 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

By anonymous - 20/3/2012 22:33 - Canada - Saint John's

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Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

By Cass - 29/3/2012 02:03 - Australia

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Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 04:29 - United States - Bentonville

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Today, I filled up my company car with my own debit card, instead of my fuel card. It was the last £40 I had for the month. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2015 02:02 - United Kingdom - Coventry

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Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

By stop thief - 26/6/2014 15:11 - United States - Aurora

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Today, I was directing traffic at work during one of the hottest days of the year. Not only do I have to stand in the heat and exhaust fumes for minimum wage, I also had to endure people asking me "Aren't you hot?" as they drove past me in their air conditioned cars. FML

By Sarah - 24/7/2011 00:01 - Canada

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Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how gays are destroying the "sanctity of marriage". I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 09:15 - Canada - Kamloops

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Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 23:03 - United States - Chester

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Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

By KaySchrages92 - 25/10/2011 01:46 - United States

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Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

By kay - 1/6/2012 21:08 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

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Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

By wreckdit - 12/10/2016 23:55 - United States

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Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 09:30

I don't like to move it, move it

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Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

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Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

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Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

By Insanity - 9/4/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

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Today, my new iPhone was stolen from my school locker. After canceling my service, sobbing, having my mom yell at the secretary for their lack of security and finally agreeing to change to a private school, I found it in the corner of my locker. FML

By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 23:02 - United States

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Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

By booksandshadows - 4/3/2014 09:06 - United States - San Diego

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Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

By Katrina641 - 26/2/2010 04:20 - France

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Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

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Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

By bailey1389 - 26/8/2020 02:02 - United States

Slippery slope

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Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2012 13:55 - Sweden - Falk?ping

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Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 00:45 - Germany

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Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

By Pixie - 15/2/2017 03:00 - United States - Mckenna

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Today, I found out that the cute guy who sits in front of me in class and who keeps looking at me over his right shoulder is not interested in me as I had been led to believe. He has mild Tourrette's and his tick happens to be scratching his chin over his right shoulder. FML

By abjoro - 25/5/2017 16:00

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Today, my mom threw out years worth of trophies that I'd put tons of effort into earning. Her reason? They all looked the same to her. FML

By Facepalm - 15/8/2011 23:09 - United States

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Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML

By lanu - 13/3/2012 16:13 - United States

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Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - 12/11/2014 03:16 - United States - Spotswood

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Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

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