Instant Regret

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

Triage

There's no helping some people

Dodged a bullet

By Thebestman123 - United States

60957

3205

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

By Septy - Spain - M?laga

20710

1883

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

By DMStarsky - United States

30498

4669

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

By Anonymous - United States

45994

17514

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

By Bethany - United Kingdom

37332

15785

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

By cockalicious

28625

5002

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29794

2458

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

By Misky

10566

28354

Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML

By Salliemae - United States - Manchester

2815

366

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

By anonymous - United States

38871

3551

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML

By Godwhy

3535

209

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

By Rachel - United States

34099

4812

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

By hopeless romantic - United States - Dayton

42078

5502

Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

46521

4703

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

By phantomdriver - Canada

44758

3611

Today, my grandma gave me a gift (something she has never done before). I was so excited until I found out it was one of her overdue library books on dolphins. I feel so loved. FML

By hawtpinkpanties - United States

48719

3113

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

By NewTenant - United States

17186

39888

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

21283

2952

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

By Permafucked - United States

14730

84968

Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML

By SwimminginSweat - United States

26089

4481

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

By dBLIZZARD - United States

23658

2847

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

By awkward drunk - Canada

9191

45611

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

By Me - United States

26433

2583

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

By CodyS - United States - Rocky River

Sticky situation

40139

11227

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

By me - Canada

11999

30217

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

27960

2909

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

By bootyislife - United States - Lynnwood

Hidden

31530

7340

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML

By sevenshotmovie - United States - Sheffield

3026

497

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

By obviously not the favorite

5526

319

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

By latino14 - United States - Annapolis

12082

39267

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

By Jinthebar - United States

Get away from me

68929

7898

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

By Username - United States

36965

4275

Today, I was yelled at by my mom for not communicating to the rest of my family about the zoom call SHE planned and asked for. The call was to celebrate my birthday. Apparently, it was my responsibility to coordinate it. FML

By low_expectations - 19/8/2020 02:04

Zoom call from hell

1404

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

By Awie - Austria

32253

19775

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

By ihatethisjob - United States - Romulus

41731

4409

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

By brokeandsad - United States

26498

9562

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

By damnitsam

5253

408

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

By IHateBagels - United States

31746

81790

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

By Miss Spasticator - United States - Vancouver

22649

4164

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

By Anonymous - United States

10031

58748