Instant Regret

Today, my friend asked to borrow my new laptop to email his college professor. When he returned it, it had a virus on it, and I had to fish out two pubic hairs that were sticking out between the keys. FML

Social distancing gone wrong

Trip Advisor says no

Gas giant

By grossed out - 25/3/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

42521

7464

Today, I finally got the courage to approach a girl. I've never done anything like this before. She stared me down, not saying a word, until I felt so little that I just walked away. FML

By Mark - 13/8/2009 22:30 - United States

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8744

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

38965

4509

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

By failing - 16/10/2015 16:40 - United States - Greenbelt

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Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML

By Thepunchline - 11/8/2010 09:19 - United Kingdom

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Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

By DogDays - 31/3/2017 14:00

4708

403

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2016 21:59 - United States - Richmond

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1553

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

By Sadface - 6/12/2009 17:34 - United States

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13936

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

By anonymous - 16/10/2010 15:18 - Canada

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4280

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

By kingpin7 - 30/3/2011 04:43 - United States

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Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

By ipopnlok - 29/6/2009 06:31 - Australia

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Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

By why - 23/7/2013 13:21

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Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML

By kisyfrot - 18/12/2008 03:38 - France

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Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

By Bloody Nose - 16/4/2016 05:14 - United States - Saint Louis

21578

1962

Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 02:48 - United States - Gainesville

30280

4479

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

By What did I do wrong? - 4/9/2018 18:30 - United States - Manhattan

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157

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

By thatCanadianGuy7 - 29/6/2009 19:55 - Canada

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5021

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2009 15:05 - United States

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Today, another man proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes. FML

By timor - 18/12/2010 16:13 - United States

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Today, I found my daughter sobbing and trying to stick a wad of gauze to her vagina. She was having her first period. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2015 02:16 - United States - Dayton

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Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

By andi0804 - 5/8/2009 01:33 - United States

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Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

By kaitylait - 19/8/2011 00:59 - Canada

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Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

By Paul - 8/8/2011 01:49 - United States

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Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML

By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 18:49 - United States - Rice Lake

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Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

By Tabeling101 - 12/12/2016 01:51

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Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML

By CODgirl102 - 16/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Palm Bay

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Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

By fired tomoz - 29/10/2014 15:46 - South Africa - Pretoria

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Today, I took a group of teens with me to hang up posters for our church's yard sale. Because it's summer, we went out at dusk to beat the heat. Someone called the cops on us, and we were arrested for "gang activity". FML

By Jailbird - 9/6/2017 17:00 - United States - Redmond

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534

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

On call

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Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

By alyssac11 - 25/5/2010 04:55 - United States

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Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

By anonymous - 21/5/2011 07:20 - United States

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Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML

By Stalkerella - 8/5/2018 05:51

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251

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

By financially_wreckd - 21/12/2014 00:53

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Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

By treehouse - 23/8/2017 13:00

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Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

By embarassed - 25/5/2009 04:43 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

By ouch - 9/12/2009 17:09 - United States

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Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

By Vee - 24/9/2017 07:00 - United States

Beast Mode

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Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Looks like we made it… Oh.

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133

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

By misopower - 25/7/2009 18:50 - China

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Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

By Ariel - 5/10/2020 10:02

Zeitgeist

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198