Instant Regret

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

Stubborn

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

By Anonymous - United States - Pittsfield

50246

4736

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

39094

3668

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

By justgreat - United States - Opa Locka

31441

6170

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

By HungryStudent - Puerto Rico - Carolina

45922

3218

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

By Dirtyrice - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

1651

375

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

21854

6916

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

By weliveanddie14 - United States

52765

15612

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

By CorpDrone - United States

39523

7054

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

15317

1455

Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 18/3/2021 08:01

Spooked

1499

Today, my husband ran our car into a fence at work. He had to file an insurance claim, with a company we only just got with, and it's going to deplete the rest of our taxes. FML

By Ashley Nichole Hinton

I'm an excellent driver

1321

128

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

By uetlqdja - United States

106527

7146

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

By Gbeat411 - United States

9986

71048

Today, while at a red light, a guy in a tux and sunglasses doing the Gangnam Style passed over the crossing, followed by a man with a video camera. This isn't the first time I've stopped for people doing a Gangnam Style parody. FML

By Gangnam - Sweden - Bromma

27520

3948

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

By NinjaPanda88 - United States

73738

16838

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

By workerbee

1430

119

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

By Daughter of the year - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

31722

3716

Today, I bought some shoes, but pissed off the lady working at the store by returning them 5 minutes later. She yelled at me and ripped my receipt in half, everyone in the store watched as she threw a handful of pennies at my face. FML

By Anonymous

Pennies From Heaven

1532

461

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

By Anonymous - United States

15906

44761

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

By Peekaboo - United States

30917

3863

Today, after having recently moved 300 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2 years, I have to celebrate Christmas alone. He never thought our relationship important enough to tell his family about me, and doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

By FML - Sweden

34692

5040

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

By WTFsalad - United States

29835

2428

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

By Alan - Germany

24628

2471

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

By LittleRed79 - Canada

11806

1015

Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML

By singledumbfuck

Eternally romantic

2326

155

Today, I was told I can’t wear a nose ring at my new job because several customers "don’t like it." It’s a very small nose ring and the job is a shack that serves food through a window. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2021 00:01

Overreaching

700

319

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

By stoprubbingitinmyface - United States - Tacoma

34404

4716

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Craig

17755

5307

Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year old sister passed out on the couch. FML

By badsister - United States

14122

59344

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

By Giggity - United States

34286

6500

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

By Anonymous - United States - Youngsville

8451

24843

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

By booo - United States - Minden

25124

3264

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

By boredtothemax - United States - Hammond

18105

3306

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

47245

4200

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

By Paige - United States

14180

52119

Today, I was in the newspaper for my soccer accomplishments. It was supposed to be my day in the spotlight. I went home to find out that my little sister had sprained her ankle in P.E. Not only did nobody in my family read the article in the paper, I'm now doing all of my sister's chores. FML

By whale14

1814

211

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

By Anonymous - United States

25215

4337

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

By phoenix101

Dad jokes

23944

66930

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

By Cary - United States

33244

7847

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

By Help. - United Kingdom

31410

3149