Instant Regret

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Business savvy

Trust

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:28 - United States - Colorado Springs

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Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

By loko0909 - 4/1/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

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Today, I went to the doctor's for the third time in a week for a huge growth under my jaw. I have seen an urgent care doctor, an emergency room doctor and an ear, nose and throat specialist who all gave me different diagnoses. I've so far spent $300. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 04:41 - United States

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Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

By broke - 5/5/2009 04:07 - United States

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Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 05:15 - United States

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Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

By VelocityMary - 30/7/2009 15:52 - United States

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Today, I started my new job at a restaurant I really like. As I waited on my first customer, I suggested that he try the apple pie, because it's my favourite. He looked up at me and said, "Yeah? Figures! Lay off 'em, porky!" FML

By -_- - 22/9/2013 18:00 - Canada - Waterloo

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Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

By BrokeAF - 12/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Great Barrington

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Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

By Anonymouse - 2/7/2011 07:42 - United States

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Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

By FistFighter - 9/4/2011 04:01 - United States

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Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

By stupidtoothpick2 - 16/8/2009 05:19 - United States

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Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

By Pauline - 9/2/2016 21:35 - United States

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Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 09:01 - Singapore

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Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

By Krit - 10/2/2010 15:10 - United States

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Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

By unknown - 2/11/2013 21:10 - Canada - Courtenay

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Today, after finishing a song during karaoke, a man came up to me and held out his hand. Quite flattered, I shook it, said thanks and that I was glad he enjoyed it. Turns out he was next and just wanted the microphone. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 08:52 - United States - Madison

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Today, I got out our electric fan because it was very hot. A cockroach crawled up behind the frame on the fan and fell into the gap of the frame. It got itself killed by the rotating fan, and had its blended flesh sent flying all over my white polo shirt. FML

By roachblend - 12/9/2010 08:00 - Taiwan

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Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 14:36 - United States

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Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

By "Audrey Harmon" - 20/4/2017 16:00

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Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 01:04

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Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

By raiyne - 11/1/2011 13:34

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Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

By LoveGlove - 21/6/2014 21:42 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

By Rednbumpy - 18/1/2017 08:00

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Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

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Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2012 19:17 - Canada

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Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML

By fml - 2/2/2011 09:48

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Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML

By roze198765 - 4/8/2011 01:19 - United States

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Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

By poopiter - 27/7/2013 18:31 - United States - Grand Junction

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Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

By Problem - 7/11/2010 20:34 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

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Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

By knevs - 22/6/2011 20:05 - United States

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Today, as I was pulling wire for an addition to my bosses house, I was on a ladder drilling a hole when my coworker kicked the ladder out from under me and left me hanging from a rafter twenty feet in the air. To make matters worse, I had to pee. I'm now in my car with dead arms and wet pants. FML

By just hangin - 17/1/2017 12:00

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Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

By bloody hell - 4/6/2015 05:59 - Philippines - Para?aque

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Today, I found out that I have been declared dead by my credit card company in England because I haven't used it since I moved to Thailand last year. I will need three witnesses to convince them that I am actually alive. FML

By Arsinoe - 6/1/2010 00:02 - United Kingdom

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Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

By M. Night Shytefuck - 20/1/2015 22:52 - United States - Plattsmouth

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Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 11:24 - Australia

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Today, my girlfriend told me that she's a lesbian. And that she could only stay with me because I had a "girly face and voice". She also admitted to having a crush on my sister. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 23:01 - United States - Bristol

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Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2017 04:00

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Today, I found the same spider which I had let live yesterday hidden in my bath towel. I didn't find it until it was smeared on my face. FML

By dre_bro11 - 6/11/2011 12:17 - Australia

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Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/4/2020 23:00

Boozehound alert

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