By Louis - France - Paris

FML's guide to a stress-free St Patrick's Day

Savour the flavor of the day, but be careful out there!

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Proactive

Commando

Freak Scene

By Rotarius - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19858

You deserved it

36765

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By TheGestalt97

Late warning

Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2087

You deserved it

163

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By Cassidy Bowen - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29516

You deserved it

6530

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By little nokken - United States

Today, I was out driving with my dad when the car broke down. He made me get out and push. I am a 5 ft tall 90 lb girl, and the car was an SUV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3729

You deserved it

460

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By mcase - United States - Compton

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31130

You deserved it

4944

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By Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday

Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5057

You deserved it

325

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By itsgotime - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks

98173

You deserved it

7881

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46898

You deserved it

3360

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13914

You deserved it

2441

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By mary - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30776

You deserved it

9107

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37447

You deserved it

5263

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By FistFighter - United States

Night fight

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26834

You deserved it

12914

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By heatherfeather22 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38151

You deserved it

11162

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By firstdate - United States

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36137

You deserved it

5286

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By JohhnyKeroscene - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24137

You deserved it

2806

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By Zit-Blues - United States

Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26999

You deserved it

8024

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By Milk Dispenser - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1903

You deserved it

334

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68534

You deserved it

6214

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23639

You deserved it

2253

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By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13343

You deserved it

1379

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By Samuel - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29244

You deserved it

3981

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36776

You deserved it

2693

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By blew it

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3437

You deserved it

301

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55393

You deserved it

4565

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By sailorpete

Today, I got fired from the job I've only had for a week. Between paying for a physical, my own background check and uniforms, I paid more money to start working there than I'll get from my one and only paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1829

You deserved it

269

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46780

You deserved it

6787

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By ilikeirishducks - Italy

Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51714

You deserved it

21045

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By didntknowyoucouldbreakit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8978

You deserved it

42787

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By wronged - Singapore

Today, my extremely paranoid boyfriend called me a whore and threatened to break up with me, all because he had a dream in which I had sex with my ex. I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49362

You deserved it

7850

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By justine

Today, I finally confronted my daughter about never using air freshener after she poops. She said, "But I thought flushing made the smell go away!" She's 15 and she actually believed this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1259

You deserved it

552

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By T.C - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22042

You deserved it

2498

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32734

You deserved it

4710

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28929

You deserved it

3470

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By drunkinriot - United States

Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34165

You deserved it

3040

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By cats before idiots

Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2242

You deserved it

251

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1404

You deserved it

461

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By Hayleey_079 - United Kingdom

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25953

You deserved it

3741

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By fthislyfe - Netherlands

Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34379

You deserved it

3816

Favorite

By DeaazGurl - 22/1/2021 17:01

Thievery

Today, the medicine I keep at my desk for headaches is now gone thanks to my coworker who took the last 6 Advil at once. Her reasoning? "You're thin, so you wouldn't need them anyway. I'm twice your size, so I needed twice the dose." FML

I agree, your life sucks

441

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML