Dog Lover Struggles

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

Family values

Live dumping

Tidy your room

By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

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169

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 14:08 - United States

Wrong question

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Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

By freakingow - 14/2/2010 18:05 - United States

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Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

By Good_old_Grim - 15/10/2009 13:51 - Latvia

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 17:00

Baller

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Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 15:36 - United States

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Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

By usadisvet - 2/4/2015 06:43 - United States - Loudon

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Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

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Today, I was fired for asking HR to move me to another department, due to my manager's unethical behaviour against me. The alternative was shut up and look for another job. Which I have to do now. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 17:02 - Poland - Polska

At will

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107

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

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Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

By DaisyMay - 4/4/2011 19:47 - United States

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Today, my Christmas present from my boyfriend was chlamydia. FML

By imgoingtofreakout - 26/12/2017 19:00

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Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

By yarhyun1 - 19/8/2012 16:00 - United States

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Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

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Today, my swim coach had me swim a 400 meter freestyle. Feeling a little sick near the end, I lifted my head to breathe, then burped, and threw up violently all in the pool. All my team mates screamed horrified running out of the pool, and now they have to drain it. I was told not to come back. FML

By grlzze444 - 16/11/2010 00:19 - United States

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Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

By jobless - 7/2/2010 06:12 - United States

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Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

By matte - 30/3/2009 12:16 - Australia

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Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

By Fairy31 - 1/3/2012 00:01 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2010 08:29 - United States

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Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

By upset room mate - 18/8/2011 06:59 - United States

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Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

By Garfield - 21/1/2016 04:41 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:24 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick up a few things from the store for him while he was at work. After picking up everything he asked for, I wasn't left with much money so I used $50 from my account. When he got home he then grumbled about me spending all of "his" money. FML

By dessy - 9/5/2016 21:37 - United States - San Diego

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Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

By froyo - 26/2/2009 17:01 - United States

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Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

By :( - 27/4/2011 06:54

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Today, my maths teacher was giving my whole class a lecture on 'if you don't pay attention at school, you will fail.' She then pointed out out a man working on the roof and said: 'if you don't listen, you will end up like that guy.' That was my dad. FML

By paperbox - 16/1/2011 05:07 - Australia

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Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2011 21:29 - Denmark

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Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

By thatsureshowedme - 8/11/2014 20:33 - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2011 13:43 - United States

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Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

By Zak - 3/4/2009 02:12 - United States

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Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

By fuckingdieyouoldhag - 20/5/2014 20:08 - United States

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Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

By dunnough - 14/1/2009 11:06 - United States

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Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

By Hugh_Jankles - 8/1/2010 18:48 - United States

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Today, my friend asked to borrow my new laptop to email his college professor. When he returned it, it had a virus on it, and I had to fish out two pubic hairs that were sticking out between the keys. FML

By grossed out - 25/3/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

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Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

By Anonymous - 22/11/2011 15:09 - United States

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

By thatonegirl.SBS. - 29/9/2012 05:38 - United States - El Cajon

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Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

By Brit - 16/12/2011 08:50 - Reserved

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Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

By Cheerieful - 7/5/2011 16:26 - United States

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Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

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Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

By chelseaface - 21/1/2011 15:13 - United States

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