Dog Lover Struggles

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

Final words

Don't be a dingdong

GERD Gang!

By Ben - United States - Louisville

45162

2841

Today, my boss came to my cubicle to give me my annual performance bonus. I was asleep at my desk. FML

By ChrisC - United States

11405

62070

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

By Robert - United States - Anchorage

7518

2597

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

By Username - United States

31731

5922

Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

43057

3769

Today, I went to a family dinner. While waiting to be seated, a guy walked by and I looked to see if he was hot. Then my grandma yelled, "Get your eyeballs back in your head and quit staring at boys!" The whole restaurant heard her. Including the guy. And yes, he was hot. FML

By embarrassment - Canada

53231

8327

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

By BatWife - United States - New London

4820

587

Today, while eating a sandwich, I saw a worm. Knowing that my friend always tries to scare me with fake worms and insects, I bit it to show her I knew it was fake. It was real. FML

By iHateWorms - Australia

11489

33591

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

By PeanutlyDisabled - France

39153

3255

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

By KelseNM

3236

120

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

27070

2405

Today, I was driving in a busy area looking for a place to park. I happened to lock eyes with a really handsome man who was walking alongside the road. He approached my car with a huge, gorgeous smile, and as I rolled my window down he asked, "Are you my Uber?" FML

By Lonelyhopeful

8532

947

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

By Matt - Australia - Tyabb

Wrong end of the stick

42739

3843

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

By imok - United States

8411

53451

Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML

By CJ 84

2442

248

Today, I was walking down the street when I had a coughing fit. The next thing I know I'm being pushed about by a group of guys who were smoking, because they thought I was coughing deliberately to send them a message about smoking being bad. FML

By Tyler - Australia - Killara

26087

1953

Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 20:01

Stuck

687

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

By hopeless - United States

55214

4260

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

By single lady - United States

43268

3710

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

By Not true - United States

Strange terminology

15276

1730

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

By keenan - United States

32952

5177

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Chilly

30341

2615

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

By Anonymous - United States

38996

4029

Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with super glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML

By Lance - United States

9954

52962

Today, I thought it would be a smart idea to walk out on the pier while the waves were 6 feet tall. I was having fun getting "splashed" by the waves crashing over until one wave knocked me over and dragged me 20 feet across the hard concrete pier. FML

By onebadwave - United States

11603

46370

Today, I told my boss to choose between A and B, with A achieving his longterm goal, and B producing a quick win, but not leading to anywhere near A. He told me to come with a "hybrid" approach." FML

By Lt. Dan - 10/12/2020 05:01 - Germany - Castrop-rauxel

Management

683

145

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

By Anonymous

Fixed

1595

112

Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML

By sma93 - United States - Baldwin

7647

573

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

By Sovekipisse - France - Arthon-en-retz

52293

4152

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

By Manu - United States - Columbia

5697

1566

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

By karebear - United States

33586

4625

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

By sick - United States

28520

2570

Today, my elderly dad once again asked me to make a reservation at a restaurant for him and a younger woman he's been seeing. Meanwhile, I haven't had anything even approaching a real date in over a decade. FML

By Anonymous

26550

3388

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United States

Mr. Burns

879

455

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

By drunkluv - Australia

34967

4161

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Living in another world

880

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

By dearbailee - United States

25836

4079

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

By Anonymous - United States

69043

17508

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday". He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

By xmeatballx21 - United States

42310

3373

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

By Uncomfortable

62634

5305