By omfg - 8/10/2019 00:01

Addictive

Today, I was introduced to Minecraft. I haven't blinked in 5 hours. FML

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Family values

Long story short

Abuse

By Username - 16/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

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By DyingOfShame - 24/8/2010 23:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

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By Landlocked - 6/5/2019 02:00

Today, my dad thought it would be a good idea to show my 5-year-old son a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. My son is now terrified of hurricanes. We live in Utah. FML

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By ihatelongflights - 21/8/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

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37647

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By clu - 10/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

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By fartypants - 18/6/2015 22:53 - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

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32954

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By muffincakess - 21/1/2010 00:55 - France

Today, I went to buy some spray paint for a project. I've never used a spray can before, so I decided to try it on paper provided. Unfortunately I didn't hold the can the right way and ended up with black, permanent, paint all over my face in the middle of a store. FML

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9894

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By kengu - 23/10/2011 21:02 - Norway

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

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28512

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By Quasimodo - 18/10/2013 12:40 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I was pushed off of a glacier by a very angry tourist. Why? I work as a glacier guide, and apparently some people find it overly frustrating to be informed that there isn't a café on the glacier. FML

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51171

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 20:28 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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43709

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By jobless - 30/4/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

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9669

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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24229

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 19:57 - Australia

Today, scarcely having time to look at myself, I quickly got dressed and went to work. Only when I got there and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror did I notice that the colour and detail of my black lacy bra could easily be seen. I work for a construction company. Full of men. FML

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14982

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2018 20:30

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

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3611

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By sayno2mermaids - 4/8/2016 02:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

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By Anon - 28/4/2016 20:27 - United States - Henderson

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Turns out we only have one thing in common: we would both bang Hillary Clinton. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. The only person who remembered was the creepy guy in my English class who keeps trying to smell my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

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By MetalAtlas - 3/3/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By Public Indecency - 28/6/2019 20:23

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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By Wenny - 18/1/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

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By ohyaknow - 30/9/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

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By emergencyroom - 15/3/2014 12:21 - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

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By cody4prez - 15/7/2016 18:23

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, after I went to collect my pay for babysitting, the girl's dad pulled the old "Can I pay you in Trident Layers?" bull on me. Hoping to show that I wasn't going to play ball, I told him that watching his gran inhale a cock would be funnier. If scowls could kill... FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2012 05:50 - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

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25029

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

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By ilovebigmacs - 6/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

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22683

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:57 - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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16148

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By tmac - 4/4/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I automatically dove my hand in and ran out of the stall with it. As I dried it, some girls were laughing. I assumed that they were laughing because my phone fell in the toilet. Then I noticed my pants were still down. FML

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21987

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By Text - 25/4/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

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By Keyser Soze - 17/1/2017 09:56

Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML

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6538

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By yayaimannoying - 9/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By Ashton - 15/11/2018 13:30

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

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2709

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

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39818

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By tooefficient - 19/8/2019 22:00

Monday, Monday, so good to me…

Today, I was scolded by my boss, all because I can finish most tasks in a quarter of the time it takes him, and he doesn't want to be shown up. FML

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By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

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28090

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 10:28 - United Kingdom

Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for 'anti-social behavior'. FML

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By smells like ass - 2/8/2020 23:03

Gross, dude

Today, my boyfriend has only showered about three times since we’ve been on lockdown. Our whole place smells like a sewer main burst in a pro-sports locker room filled with sweaty nut sacks and dead feet. His excuse? "It’s not like we have anywhere to go babe." I can’t even eat around him. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7849385 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 3:49

If you were that addicted, you wouldn't have posted your little anecdote on here. Also, five hours is nothing.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7849359 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 0:52

You're probably going to have to mine for tears.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7849359 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 0:52

You're probably going to have to mine for tears.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7849369 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 1:21

LOL its so much fun!

By acmariner99 | 23

#7849384 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 3:48

This is why I don’t play video games

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7849385 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 3:49

If you were that addicted, you wouldn't have posted your little anecdote on here. Also, five hours is nothing.

By icalledhisname | 10

#7849506 - Tuesday 8 October 2019 14:59

Video game streaming sites will rock your world. Full time streamers play games for 8+ hours a day, every single day.