By wtf fml - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5320

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Love

Intimacy

Late term

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mondegreens

By WIIslave - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

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11893

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28932

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By rutho - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20870

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208480

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By BugDTV - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2818

You deserved it

121

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By x_udontknowme_x - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27232

You deserved it

4338

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By LostSoul

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1645

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Ieper

No kinkshaming on FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59546

You deserved it

9295

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39136

You deserved it

3184

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By PunchingKennyLoggins - United States

Today, the satellite radio at work went on the fritz, playing one song over and over. Management wouldn't turn it off, though, because then customers would miss out on all those upcoming-sale announcements that run intermittently. Meanwhile, I got to listen to "Footloose" for eight hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29289

You deserved it

2474

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By opposites don’t attract - 16/9/2020 11:03 - United States

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1053

You deserved it

315

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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46412

You deserved it

6710

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By Cassie

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17274

You deserved it

50287

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By detour165 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, while staying at my brother's place for the Christmas holidays, I had to leave because he threatened to "take me outside". Apparently he doesn't like being corrected on whether a certain car has a long wheel base version, so I guess the family Christmas is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32729

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3709

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By godhatesme - United States

Today, at work I got a message from some dude trying to flirt with me. While I was cracking up and making fun of him with my friends, I get a message from him saying look directly behind you, and there he was staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7589

You deserved it

36697

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By AmyLeigh - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22182

You deserved it

2486

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By Dimples - United States - Sanford

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38355

You deserved it

3421

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By Thesuz - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36577

You deserved it

3307

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22419

You deserved it

31650

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By strugglingartist - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I came home to find two letters from a publishing house that I'd submitted my manuscript to. The first was congratulatory, stating that my book had been accepted for publishing. The second was apologetic, stating that the first letter had been intended for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36989

You deserved it

2344

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By sleep deprived

Three years

Today, it's been three years since my sister gave me a kitten. Coincidentally, it’s also been three years since I've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1484

You deserved it

335

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By Anonymous

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2024

You deserved it

515

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By Gail - 5/4/2021 00:30

Missed opportunities

Today, I told my wife I walked away from a £5000 bet I had a good chance at winning, because I refused to embarrass myself in public. She responded with a Star Trek reference, "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack, rule of acquisition 109." My god, I married a heartless nerd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

323

You deserved it

1067

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By lacieQ - Canada

Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44990

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4204

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By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12158

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Pass Christian

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try some "prolonging gel" to help him last longer between the sheets. Surprisingly, it worked, and he lasted 3 times longer than usual. I can now enjoy 4 whole minutes of sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51348

You deserved it

6644

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By rcarn - United States - Leesburg

Today, my friends decided to throw a going away party because I'm moving. It would have been great if I had actually been invited. FML

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28952

You deserved it

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By fml9124

New urinal

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1717

You deserved it

292

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By Anoymous - United States - Burlingame

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML

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54549

You deserved it

3662

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By cero_kewl - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33432

You deserved it

2940

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By go snope yourself - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28163

You deserved it

8752

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 02:12

Falling Down

Today, I woke up in hospital. Apparently, I fell down the stairs, broke 3 ribs, one toe, and hit my head so much that 12 stitches were needed. I also blacked out for an hour before my husband found me covered in blood. Recovery should take about a month and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1752

You deserved it

119

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By I'm stupid - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10572

You deserved it

37807

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By Bee - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10356

You deserved it

91677

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2532

You deserved it

183

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 13:59

So young, so jaded

Today, like every day, I scrolled through my social media feeds, seeing happy couples, people buying houses and landing their dream jobs. I, on the other hand, am a single 23 year-old man in a dead end job that still lives with his parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

552

You deserved it

520

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26293

You deserved it

3324

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By Jeff make - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20352

You deserved it

34390

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36123

You deserved it

4419

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By Heartbroken - United States

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2334

You deserved it

207

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By buccaneer - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23796

You deserved it

3529

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By deadman - United Kingdom - Market Harborough

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

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30292

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Top comments

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7613715 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 1:40

I can see why he's your ex.

By Hellblazer_Sith | 25

#7613719 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 1:56

I am so glad he is your ex. Sorry for your loss OP.

COMMENTS

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7613715 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 1:40

I can see why he's your ex.

By Hellblazer_Sith | 25

#7613719 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 1:56

I am so glad he is your ex. Sorry for your loss OP.

By Zachary8261 | 28

#7613720 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 1:59

No wonder why he’s your ex.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7613725 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 2:56

Hopefully your anger was able to distract you for a bit? Sorry about your loss.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7613726 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 3:08

That sucks.

EnvyMe33 | 26

#7613755 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 7:52

Lol

By RichardPencil | 30

#7613738 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 4:34

If he offered to give you bomb-ass head, you might think of taking him back.

By Zekfen | 17

#7613739 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 4:37

So he wants you to sit on his face and fart? What a weird fetish. I hear you can get pink eye from that.

DanielleinDC | 32

#7613986 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 19:53

No, the dumbass wants his former ex to give HIM some head.

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7613740 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 4:47

What you did not mention was if you accepted. If you did, then ...idk. Sorry for your loss though.

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7613746 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 6:04

He deserved a high five.

In the face.

With an iron.

QueenAfrodite | 8

#7666886 - Friday 27 July 2018 20:07

😂😂😂😂😂😂

By EnvyMe33 | 26

#7613756 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 7:55

Guys always know how to make things worse. Why would you even answer a call from your ex in the first place?

ThatGuy9679 | 13

#7613917 - Wednesday 21 March 2018 16:55

I imagine they were on decent terms at the and even if they weren't I'm sure she was expecting his condolences and not a request for a blowjob